KEY WORD: 10TH STEP!!!
Hey all... I just got in about 20 minutes ago from this years sobriety convention. There is yet another evening and Memorial day holiday before it's over. How feel I? Tired. I must do a 10th step today from the past day's activities.
What did/am I do(ing) for myself? Not judge myself as a mistake from the mistakes made in the past day. I treated myself to some fruit (pineapple and orange). Came home promptly to get my HIV meds before I head out to Chinatown and have some good ol' chinese food to go with my meds! It seems to sit better than that American food! I did make attempts to share about wanting to sleep with the guy I spent the night with. I shared with my sponsor. I went to a 7:30 AM morning meeting at the convention. I went to a workshop discussing steps 8 & 9 in the program.
Again, I wonder if my choice of words is not discrete enough to where I am breeching traditions for the fellowship. I will call and ask the suggestion of my confidante "J."
So, what all happened? Yesterday being Saturday was spent heading over to chinatown for a haircut and then a rendezvous with Mom for a brunch with her friends Hoi Yee, Geen Yee, and Auntie Phat. I started breaking out in a sweat and started getting nauseas again. I went back to my sober living rather than spend time at Mom's. I then rested til it was time to ready self for the evening meeting at the convention as well as the dance. I left by 6 PM only to not know my way the rest of the way up to the location of the convention. I ended up going to a meeting in Hollywood and catching a ride with members of the fellowship to the dance. The great thing is that I did not trip! I just trusted that whatever was to happen and happened or where ever I was to be or had been was meant to be! I trusted!!! I moved in faith! Yayee!!
I didn't really dance first because I wasn't really down with the music. I visited with some people; ogled at some hotties!!! Then guess what I did? I ended up cutting my evening at the dance short by going upstairs with someone I wasn't attracted to so I could stay the night in a Hotel room. Again, I know better than to assume that anything comes for free! The reason why there was the offer for me to stay the evening at the hotel was because the guy wanted to jump my bones... For some reason, I gave the guy the benefit of the doubt and trusted that I would be assertive enough to set boundaries. I should've done that prior to going up to the hotel with him! Lesson learned.
So, I get up there hoping to get some rest? NOT!!! We end up doing stuff. I had fun and all, but my mind was not on him... I really felt like I was settling. I was uncomfortable at the fact that this guy just really wanted me cuz I was "cute." I want someone to appreciate me more than just cute and I guess if I am gonna have a fling, then I could've picked someone that I was really attracted to! So that was not very self caring and not very honest to the other person; eventhough I think he got what he wanted. I was honest from the get go about my HIV status. I was not comfortable with going all the way and we didn't. We just did stuff between 2nd and 3rd base. That was enough! I was gurgly in the tummy anyway. I just felt obligated to doing stuff with the fun. I enjoyed some of it mark that. This is but the 2nd time I've been sexual with another person since I've come into sobriety. So yeah, my body craves and aches for the physical affection and attention paid by another party. But the compatibility index was not a perfect 10... It was more like a 5 or 4. Sigh... Suffice it to say that my right nipple is raw and sensitive cuz I didn't tell him that I liked it gentle and he was a bit more aggressive than I cared for! YOW!!!
Sorry, I know I am getting a bit more graphic than people could care to know, but hell, I am trying something new by being totally honest until something happens and I get burned then walk with more caution... So, heck man.... do gay sober men know how to give good head??? Holy Mother of God!!! Or is it me having a very sensitive body that can't handle nipping, biting, gnawing or chewing of my body parts? For me; FOR ME; my body parts just do not react well with friction and abrasion to hard surfaces like the enamel of teeth! Can someone just bathe me in the soft, velvety and warm insides of whatever the orifice is? LOL Okay kids... I will stop!!!
So, here comes the 10th step which is a mini 4th step... What is my part in it for this specific incident? Not being assertive enough first and foremost about saying that in accepting his offer that I was there to just sleep in the OTHER bed of the room. That I am not here for business other than sobriety (well at least with him.. just being honest). Then number two my part in the lack of satisfaction on the experience was my not sharing with him what I liked or didn't like prior to the act. I didn't get an opportunity to explore what he liked either... For a born again virgin here, spontaneity can lead to disaster and self conscious feelings of being inadequate. Number three not being assertive enough to tell him that I didn't like skin to skin contact with another person initially when I am falling asleep... I just can't sleep with another persons sweaty body sticking to mine!
Again, the above is only for this one occasion. Assertive and self care and loving myself enough to be honest with the other person what is good for me is KEY! I ended up not getting much of any sleep all night long... It was either his heavy breathing or one or more of his limbs stuck to me that just kept me smothered and unable to sleep! I would think that my constant squirming and readjusting positions would give him a clue... Oh yeah, did I mention that I got up to pee about 3 times throughout the evening hoping for an opportunity that he would not reingage in cuddling (smothering) with me?
Anyway, I know everything I shared in the above is not the most polite, diplomatic and fair, but man I am running on about a total of 2 hours worth of quality sleep! Argh... I am grumpy...
Ok, I am gonna shower, brush, go to chinatown for food, then my meds and back home to take a nap before my evening swaure back at the convention center....
Peace out,
Quoc
FEELING LIKE A SLOB!!
It's 11:37 PM. I just got home from the sober convention. I am thankful to be able to come back this 2nd time around and be present for the surrounding activities! What fun! I cannot divulge much else in respecting the sober traditions.
How am I today? Well, right now, I feel really sh*tty! I left my room earlier this evening in shambles! My bed was not made, my laundry was piled high on my chair, paper is strewn on the floor; suffice it to say, I am like the antipathy of my clean and military trained roomie! I just walk into the room with my bed all made up, my dirty dirty laundry all washed and folded in neat little piles on my quaffed bed. Papers have been stacked neatly. Boy am I embarrassed! He either did it cuz he couldn't stand the fact of looking at my side of the room or just cuz he's a nice guy and wanted to clean up his roomies messy side of the room! Either way, I feel very very embarrassed. What am I gonna do about it now? Be thankful, maintain the gift that was granted me, and continue to change for the better and not allow my side of the room get back to where it was just few hours ago!
What about the rest of my day? I woke up throughout the night feeling miserable from just having those loose bowels! I took the day off from work again. I got a stern reminder from my co-workers and supervisors to call them and let them know about my whereabouts before they call me. What really offended me is the source by which my supervisor is going to in contacting me. He is not on the list of people to contact me in case of an emergency; neither is he one of the people privileged in divulging information about how I am, where I am and what is going on with my life! That is not appreciated! I must set a boundary there as my sponsor so eloquently and SIMPLY put it! Just don't commmunicate such things with him anymore! Keep it professional! If he steps across such boundaries to let him know that it's NOT ACCEPTABLE!
I really wasted away my day by sleeping and reading my book all day long! I had some food and took my meds. I am feeling a little better but I am having a lot of problems with both gas pains and nausea and the fear of having an accident at any given moment! I am glad I had the commitment to meet with my sponsor to go to the convention! That got me up to shower, brush and dress up and leave for the outdoors! Again, there is much to do, but there is that part of me that wants to self sabatoge and not allow for productivity and success! It's that part of me that doesn't love me or allow for self care and self love! Answer is to continue doing stepwork and therapy and stay in ACTION and CHANGE!!! The other part is not to beat up on myself for the day's lack of productivity! The lesson is the fruit that is yielded from that. Take that and run with it!
What else? Oh, the newcomer I've been chatting with and trying to be supportive of and not scare away apparently is communicating with other people that my interpretation of sobriety is skewed! Thankfully I understand the concept of how another person doesn't necessarily hear what is being said! Or they hear what they want to hear and then interpret it their own way and then react to that! What was suggested to me by someone who has more time than me is to BE HONEST! Speak from MY OWN POINT OF VIEW! Don't be afraid to just share my opinion and how I feel about it so long as I qualify that it is my opinion! When I try to sugarcoat or not directly respond to a question or matter of discussion, such messages get misconstrued. I understand that maybe even if I were direct, that the message may have been misconstrued... The trick is to do like my friend "J" does. Am I gonna rent emotional space to that individual and let another person affect me by their opinions! I know what I mean. I know what I stand for. All I need is self validation! I am not there yet, but I am certainly working on it!
I am thankful for today's lessons. I am a bit frustrated and discombobulated by the day's ongoings but as my sponsor says, "I am frustrated and whatever I feel because I choose to be that way." It is a matter of choosing!!!
Things are very simple.... I am a very complicated addict! Ok, surrender that and give thanks for progress and not being self-defeating for mistakes made!
Thankful to be clean and sober one more day...
Quoc
PS - My wish is for my mother to let me know that she is proud of me... My wish is to live a healthy HIV positive livelihood. My wish for myself is to love myself and know that there is someone(s) out there who will love me in due time... I must be able to see myself as loveable first and foremost; and by myself!
JUST A BLURB...
I have been really sick for the past few days... It hasn't gotten better since... I broke down into tears this morning to a co-worker... Frustration of having an on-going medical condition, namely HIV. Constant diarrhea, stomach pains, and losing massive amounts of liquids, electrolytes among other vital body fluids. I have no idea where my body is managing to find sooo much fluid to lose! It's like my stomach and intestine has gone on shut-down for the past few days! Nothing will stay put for any length of time. I struggle to keep up... I feel like a garden hose; whatever you put in me, goes right out the other end, but only as a liquid... I am on constant alert of having an accident before I make it to the bathroom! I am getting sudeen and constant peristaltic rushesI am sooo frustrated! I hate the fact that I am HIV today.
I just tried to have the rest of the 1/2 sandwich I bought for lunch earlier today... I had a banana and now will take my evening HIV meds. Yeah, that'll really help my stomach! Argh!!!
I pray for patience and strength to move past this phase. I ask for my body to move back to homeostasis. For now, I suffer...
Sigh... Quoc
TO RELAPSE OR NOT TO RELAPSE?!?!
There is the question, a rhetorical question!!! There is no question about it!!! Synonymous question = Not change (and relapse) or change (and recover).
This is the message I have been hearing on a consistent basis! It's beating out of my spirit over and over and over!!! Now am I willing to surrender to the message and move from thinking/contemplating to ACTION!!! "Faith without works is dead," I am told. "Act my way into right thinking." Know that whatever it is (more often challenging rather than jovial); "this too shall pass." Just don't pick up and drink or use!!! Just don't move into self-destructive thinking!
I have a choice at that pivotal moment of being presented with something that stirs up feelings, be it positive or negative that I will feel and all of a sudden I won't know what to do with the feeling! My first notion is to go out and celebrate and pick up the pipe or go and medicate the negative feeling by going out and picking up the pipe! Yes, I am a true addict! Extremely opposite emotions and circumstances, but the same reaction! Cuz a normie wouldn't do that; or at least wouldn't do that and end up on a week long run!
Anyway, I am hearing it loud and clear from all different directions from out to in and from deep within myself radiating outward! I AM IN THE 12 STEP RECOVERY PROGRAM; I NEED TO DO THE 12 STEPS!!! Simple as that! Not I need to "think" the 12 steps of recovery, but I need to "DO" the 12 steps of recovery! ACTION ACTION ACTION!
Here I am b*tching and moaning about feeling like I am on a rollercoaster ride; well, if I were carrying a trashcan full of sh*t around all day long and I stumble on one thing or another or get distracted and lose my balance/footing, what would happen? I spill some of that stuff and most of the time it gets on me and that is when I feel funky and feel like I am a mistake...
Suffice it to say, I had a point to make today and that is GET INTO ACTION, CHANGE AND RECOVER or MUDDLE IN MY THINKING, WALLOW, AND POSSIBLY RELAPSE IN THE FUTURE whether it be near or far...
That is the message I am getting for today and for the past few days and weeks! I HEAR IT; NOW I PRAY AND ASK FOR YOU ALL TO PRAY, CALL AND HELP REMIND ME TO MOVE INTO ACTION...
Kay, enough yapping... I need to act act act!!!
Peace out!!!
Quoc
NOTHING LIKE COMING A BIRTHDAY AT MY HOME GROUP
Evening all... Time is about 15 til 11 PM. I am tired, but feeling really good! I am running off the love and energy that others have offered me; FREE OF CHARGE!!! It started with me really not feeling like going to work. I dragged my butt up and got dressed and left for work. I am thankful to be working in an environment that is just really really laid back from my point of view! All the other jobs that I have had have been extremely intense! This is just like cake! The nice thing is, I still have an avalanche amount to learn and grow from!
So work passed, I was able to do my job to the best of my ability and be ok with that! I met my friend "J" who picked me up from work and took me to dinner with him at a restaurant close to the meeting. Boy, was it a productive dinner! I was able to listen, share and listen a whole lot more to what my friend of 15 years sobriety had to say about where I am... I picked up the notion that I NEED TO WORK THE 12 STEPS WHILE I AM IN THE 12 STEPS OF RECOVERY!!! I also understand why I am feeling the roller-coaster self that I am on a daily basis as a result of being where I am with my step work... Discovering myself.. The next few steps 5-9 is change... I forgot what the first 3 were about. Surrendering perhaps? Admitting? Accepting? Makes sense to me! Anyway, I ended up crying sooo much but at the same token really gormandizing myself on the green curry dish that I ordered! YUM YUM!!
I got to the meeting and rushed myself to make the coffee and set everything up! There were sooo many people there to hug me, congratulate me and just support me! Who all gave me a cake? My friend "A" who baked the cake for me! My friend "J", "J", "M" who helped in giving me my cake for 1 year!!! Wow wee!!! I kept crying and crying... I dunno what I said.. I wasn't very funny. I just shared from the heart... Hopefully I made some sense and gave someone some hope that it can be done, one day at a time!!! It's about the steps, it's about applying the steps, it's about CHANGE!!! That is what the triangle represents too.. Delta = CHANGE = entropy?
Thereafter, fellowshiped with a bunch of the people back at the restaurant near the meeting, then got a ride home back by a fellow addict!
How feel I? VERY HUMBLE; VERY BLESSED; VERY GREATFUL; VERY VERY LOVED...THANKFUL.. Just sober!!! I am being loved especially at a time when I am not capable of loving myself. Apologizing for myself... My friend "J" pointed that out to me again... that I tend to say sorry a lot and for things that I shouldn't be sorry for!
Thank you all for loving me just the way I am and reminding me that I am loved by you all; that convinces me more and more each day that maybe one day, I might be able to love myself just as much as you all do!
Thankfully,
Quoc 370 days clean and sober... Just for today!
FEELING GUILTY IN THE MORNING
So, here my head is feeling guilty! Time is 11:20 AM. I woke up about an hour ago for the 2nd or 3rd time... This last time felt horrible because I had a dream about the day after today's pride festival march in Long Beach. I had intentionally slept in and not set my alarm so I would miss the train down to the parade. Sigh... Here is where the 10th step comes into play... I should've been honest from the very beginning and just said that I did not want to go and march in the parade; instead I couldn't say no because everyone else was going too! I really wanted to just bum around the house and get a haircut or go and get a cake from my sponsor at another sober meeting... Instead, here I am having none of the 3 accomplished because I am mulling over feeling bad about first not going to the pride festival, because I would probably meet a whole bunch of cool people, network, let alone just have a great time... Again, what I want in this case certainly is not what I need! So, thus the funky feeling; the other part of feeling funky is just not saying how I feel and taking contrary action with how I am feeling and wanting to do!
So, what am I going to do about it. I am gonna finish my breakfast and move ahead with the plan of the rest of the day and take care of personal business as I had intended from the beginning.. I have laundry to do, bills to pay, haircut to get as well as a cake to pick up from a meeting tonight! I still have make up unpacking to do! The room needs to be mopped... There is plenty to do... This is how I can make up for just bumming around for the rest of the day...
What my head wants to tell me to do is to crawl into bed and just sleep the whole day away so I'd feel super guilty about wasting a whole day and leaving unfinished business, get even more guilty feelings and continue this cycle of self guilt. I overdrew on my bank account a couple days ago, I found out cuz I made the deposit of the remainder of my graduation check and the total balance turned out to be less than the amount of the check! DARN! The other thing I feel bad about doing is commiting to meeting with someone I am considering renting a room to and not following through with it, or saying yes when I was really cutting the schedule a little close and had a feeling I wouldn't come through with it...
So, part of being responsible and maintaining my spiritual and conscious health is to first and foremost keep my commitments and be honest about the response when I cannot commit to something. The other factor is not to wallow in the problem when the problem has been commited.. Now is the time to move into solution by making amends to the situation by whatever means necessary and the 2nd part is to stay in the moment and let go of labeling myself as a f*ck-up and a mistake, when I just made a mistake... OH YEAH, I AM HUMAN AFTER ALL! Progress, not perfection... and indeed, "I AM NOT A SAINT" nor can I ever expect to be! I am human! To human is to err! To err is ok!
So, I commit to making right the wrongs I have made for the day and just enjoy the rest of the day by pulling my room back together again and again commit to maintain a healthy environment outside and around me as well as within my embodiment!
I will take the punches as they come! I will be honest! I will accept the consequences for my actions. I will not judge or label myself negatively! I will love myself. I will forgive myself. I will give thanks for an opportunity to move forth and redeem whatever wrong has been commited. One mistake does not condemn me forever. Others may have that perception or make that decision, but I do not have to so on behalf of them! I know the potential I have within me. I will continue to strive and draw from that internal spirit!
Here is to the rest of the day!
Quoc
BIRTHDAY CAKE GIVEN BY MY SISTER CHIN!!
Good evening all... How do I feel? Wonderful!!! My day started off with coming home to clean myself up for my visit at my old recovery house. I went over to pick up the remainder of my graduation check. I also went to the support group held at the house. I heard some really great messages! I also stayed to watch the DVDs that I purchased for myself a couple days ago... I got a chance to watch Monsters Inc. I also got to enjoy some of Queens of Comedy with the boys while they were having dinner. I stayed until after 6 PM before I finally, but reluctantly left! I really miss the house! It's no longer the same house anymore though.
I walked back home to the house and basically waited for my sis. I took a nap until 7 PM before she called to let me know that she was at the front gate and ready to take me to the Hollywood Squares meeting. We got there by 7:30 PM. The meeting was due to start at 8:30 PM. I got to visit with a lot of people... I am glad that I got to reach out and say hello to some. I asked "J" a newcomer, my sis' Chin (family member), "D" someone with time, and "T" the last guy who gave me a couch commitment before I went into the 2nd recovery house! That meant a great deal to me! I was sooo nervous standing in front of so many people, but I basically shared from my heart. I opened my heart so that my higher power could speak through me... It did... :-) I forgot to thank my cake givers, but they were wonderful in doing so!
Stayed the remainder of the meeting and then took a ride home from my sister. So, it's still early... This means I can work on stuff... My roomie is not home; he went away for the weekend. I hope he's having fun and staying safe and out of harms way.
I give thanks for today's sobriety and the gift of sharing my birthday with sooo many people who love and support me one day at a time!
So, I gotta do my bills, laundry, and unpack yet another box tonight... It will be a good evening... It is a choice I make; thank you for all your support everyone!!!
Here's to one more day! I "GET TO" enjoy life!!!
Quoc
HAPPY SATURDAY ALL!!!
Good morning all! I spent the night at a friends place... Ugh, it was a bit exhausting! He smokes, he isn't the most cheery guy, and our personalities conflict, but alas, I make efforts to place principle before personality and do what I would want someone to do for me if I were in a funky space. I feel great to have been of service! I got such a great nights rest too! Cool beans! I just walked in the door of my sober living home; smelling of smoke, haven't showered, cowlicked up hair, and bad breath from not having brushed! I just had 2 cookies and milk for breakfast. I wanna crawl into bed. I am one of those guys who won't feel right until I spend a minimum amount of quality time rested in my own bed each day; just one of my quirky traits I suppose.
So, what has been going on? Well, I've stopped counting the number of days clean and sober I have again. I will be going back to just counting them when I need to which is for the Monday night meetings which has a tradition of going around the room and each person stating their name, disease, and amount of sobriety. So, I have 368 days clean and sober! Wahoo! I am out of my funk... I still want sex, but I don't have the burning urge to go and act out! It's just another thought now... Yayee! I was offered last evening and I turned it down! Cool beans! Thank you page 69 in Miss Big Book!
I went to a new meeting at the West Hollywood Recovery Center last night. It was cool to see people with time!!! The speaker for the meeting so happen to be one of the first speakers I heard in the first week of my sobriety when I went to the convention with my first recovery house! Wow!!! It's been a year! How time flies! Are circumstances different!
I took time to walk around the West Hollywood area; so many beautifully fit people. Gym bunnies all over the place! LOL... Boy were they fun to look at; I kept my mission to finding a meeting and getting referrals to other good meetings. I met a guy on the bus who gave me a good recommendation to a very very very very VERY ORTHODOXED hardcore meeting. I can't wait to visit that one in the future!
Work was great! I am really starting to feel what my predecessor means by getting bombarded with work from all sides of the cubicle around me. I kept up and with a smile! I know that all I can do is my best and the maximum human capacity is all I can ever expect to put out... So, where ever I am with my work projects is exactly where I am and that is ok with me eventhough other's may get impatient, which they haven't yet! My co-workers and supervisors have been nothing but graciously thankful for my presence within the organization! I am sooo very greatful to have the opportunity to do something amazing like this! One of my co-workers "Je" shared with me that he sees a lot of potential within me... He just senses that there are great things to come of me in the future to come. That is if I am able to stay in the moment, place my recovery first, take care of me, love me, give thanks to and for me, and then just do whatever is in front of me.
I am not sure if I mentioned, I finally took the time to treat myself a couple days ago and treat myself to what I've been wanting to buy for a darn long time! I've been treating other people for their birthday as well as other newcomers by helping them out financially and when they are hungry to buy food for them. I forgot about one very important addict! Me!!!! I need some TLC for myself as well and GUESS WHO IS THE BEST PERSON THAT IS MOST ABLE TO DO THAT JOB? ME!!! haha... I went and bought the Monsters Inc. movie DVD! I also bought the DVD for What Lies Beneath, Queens of Comedy, and Requiem for a Dream.... These I got from Amoeba records for great prices!!! Yayee!!!
I have pretty much exhausted my funds. I also purchased 2 coupons for a full spa treatment! I am certainly going to use one of them. I've never done anything like this before. I don't know who I am going to bring with me for this lovely treat.. Mom perhaps? I dunno, maybe my sister Chin? Perhaps my new and wonderful friend "A." I dunno yet! The value of each coupon is $500 worth of services! I spent $200 on both coupons! LOL! Talk about treating myself...
So, I think I better do a better job with prioritizing where my money needs to go first and foremost before where I would like to treat myself to!
Ok, I have been journalizing but just on pen and paper because I've been getting home so late each evening from a dreadful Thursday evening from my meds and also a meeting that went til 10 PM, or last night when I spent the evening at my friends. I am glad to be back on the BLOG! I missed writing and sharing my sentiments...
I am still frustrated about my 15 minutes or less auto-fellatio sessions! Nothing like drugs to make it last for days! Sigh, but then what are the consequences aye? I won't mind if my Higher Power were to bless me with someone that I am really attracted to have a fun intimate evening with! But I trust and place that in G.O.D.'s hands and in it's time frame!
I give thanks that I GET the chance to do a lot of things today; NOT "HAVE TO" but "GET TO" do... Because not all of us get another day just to enjoy or destroy! Today, I give thanks for those people who support me and give me the wisdom to live and appreciate one day at a time, everyday.
Peace out,
Quoc
I HAVE 365 DAYS OF CONTINUOUS SOBRIETY
Wahoo!!!! I did it!!! Yayee... Thank you G.O.D. Thank you all my sober and normie friends and loved ones. I wouldn't have been able to do it without you! It was only a year ago that I came into these rooms about 100 lbs, paranoid, hallucinating, no self esteem, dehydrated, suffering from malnutrition and just SPIRITUALLY DEAD!!! Here I stand before you 365 days later a different man!
I weigh 140 lbs, look healthy, feel healthy, have a regular sleep, work and eating cycle. I am trying my best with the aid of prayer to do the work in staying clean and sober. Doing it one day at a time!!! I went to my first recovery house that I was admitted to a year ago... It's funny how the speaker was the guy that gave me my first couch commitment when I was asked to leave the house just a couple weeks after being in that recovery house. It's also funny, how the seat that I sat in for the meeting was just about the same spot I sat in when I first came into recovery.
Anyway, how was my day? Wonderful! I got a steady flow of phone calls from people just wishing me happy birthday... How cool is that? I pray and ask for it and so I received just that; a whole lot of support and love. Yayee... Work was long but very productive. I am still picking up and reorganizing my work area and setting stuff up. I think people will be very happy when all is taken care of.
I came home from work and again went to sleep... Man, these side effects with the meds or maybe the stress of being at work is really killing me in the "going number 2" department. I have been having constant loose bowel movements... It's embarrassing and very very frustrating to have just sudden urges from a peristaltic rush! ACK! Sigh, I dunno, maybe I have some intestinal infection of some sort...
I found out I was vaccinated for the Hepatitis B (3 shots) about 10 years ago when I went home to visit Vietnam, so I should be ok... I just have to get answers about what happens to me if I get exposure to that when I have been vaccinated...
So, thankfully, I made it to the meeting on time, breathless and resplaced by another speaker, but that was meant to be. I really need to do some more step work before I feel I have some really raw stuff to transmit to the other people who needs to hear about the solution and how it works and what tools are necessary to stay clean and sober one day at a time... It will happen in due time. I am truly blessed for having a year!
Anyway, that is pretty much it! Thank you all for calling me and wishing me a happy birthday. I look forward to taking more cakes as the days progress; I must add to that by working the steps; mainly my 4th step!!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc
2 DAYS AWAY FROM 1 YEAR!!!
Hello folks!!! What a day!!! I feel like such a newcomer! I am tired of my apathetic self, but my friend in sobriety "K" and other people at the meeting told me that they didn't mind; that they love me and wherever I am in my sobriety and life! Now here I am asking for venom to be spit at me because I am messing up and making mistakes and all I am getting while I am in the program are suggestions, love, support and encouragement and patience... oh did I forget to mention I was getting a whole lot of love???
Anyway, how was my day? I had a hard time waking up, but I did, brushed, showered, prayed and cheerfully made my way to work. I got there early enough to buy a few donuts and milk for myself to enjoy for breakfast. I got to work on reorganizing the whole cubicle area that I work around! What a mess! I actually got a little frustrated because there was sooo much work to be done and I didn't have all the answers to make decisions on where to place what and if I needed that specific file or not. My co-worker was in a grumpy mood; There were few people at the office working today, so the office was fairly quiet.
I left work with a messy cubicle cuz I didn't get all the work done! I had honestly put in a good day's work into the time that I spent there; so there ought to be no shame there. I took the bus to the meeting and set my coffee commitment up. Then the meeting started; so many people were there. My friend "A" was there too! Yayee! I am sooo very proud of her. She is such a people pleaser though! Just like me! I really love her! She's great... I hope she stays. My friend "J" told me if for no other reason at all, that if I don't stay sober for one more day, then my friend "A" may not stay sober as a result! Wow! That is one way to knock some sense into me. I was also told the answer was within me that I knew the answer to staying sober already, the answer being doing the step-work!!! Doing my 4th step! Doing my 4th step... To move beyond praying, other peoples prayers, and all the prep work to move into willingness to do the step work...
NOW IT'S A MATTER OF JUST GETTING INTO ACTION! TO GOSH DARN WILL MY WAY THROUGH THE 4TH STEP! How much does all of what I have mean to me? If it really means enough to keep then I would be willing to do the 4th step no matter what!!!!
Anyway, I felt really bad having shared that burning desire... I felt that people were getting tired of hearing my tired apathetic self not willing to just get into ACTION!!! If I do not do the steps, I will relapse.... PLAIN AND SIMPLE!!
I will get ready for bed tonight and plan my next day accordingly!
Pray for me folks... I need to get my butt moving towards doing the fourth step by tomorrow evening... Even if for 15 minutes a day! I will commit to doing some work everyday!!! Now, who can I call to check that in with and someone who will help sternly remind me to do the work daily?
Thankfully,
Quoc
Changes
Hope you like the new look of the blog :)
Hello all! What a day it's been... What have I been up to? Welp, the time is now 7:44 PM. I just spent the day with my friend "M" who just celebrated a natal birthay! How special was it that I was able to be a part of that! I didn't realize that another old House mate "A" has just turned 47! Ah well, I will celebrate with him another day... I slept in til about 9 or 10 AM... I really did not want to get up out of bed. I really just wanted to spend all day in bed! Yup, withdrawal; it's not like I am not getting enough sleep and all! Anyway, I am glad that I did not cancel on "M" because his sponsor canceled on him. I left more messages on the darn adult line but to no response again... Thankfully... Man, it's scary when I am in self-destructive action! Eek! Not very smart at all! I prayed and showered and cooked breakfast for myself... Then I walked over to my old recovery house and took my friend out at 12 noon... We took the train to Universal Studios... Went and bought cds (my birthday present to him); then to buy the black bracelets; then to lunch at Hard Rock Cafe where we got rock hard over our Server Nic! Whoa, was he a hot number or what! Anyway, It was fun having lunch there... They surprised "M" with a hot fudge birthday sundae... Thereafter we checked out a flick 13 going on 30; it was very Anne of Green Gable ish... 8-) Very wholesome and warm fuzzy! :-) Then homeward bound we went... Back to crack central... Where we knew we were home just by the stench of old urine and other decomposing material simmering on the hot concrete ground... I hung out at the house for a little bit and then came home... It's good to be home... I want to get my check balanced again! I spent a grip of money in the past 3 days! Ouch!!! But again, it was for good cause.... I just have to be much much MUCH more conscienscious about spending in the future to come.
Highlight of the day? What would you do in the following scenario? You are walking down the street to a friends house and come upon a Panhandling man pushing a stroller with a dirty and hungry child. He asks the first passerbyer for change and the guy gives him 50 cents... Then it's your turn...
What did I do? I pull out the first bill that comes out of my wallet and hand him a five dollar bill. Feelings? Well, first of anger that the man is pushing his child around on the dirty streets of a dangerous neighborhood in the sun and elements and not looking for a job or otherwise... Then of sympathy because the child is really right in front of me clearly in need of some assistance...
Sigh... I feel ok because I gave the money hoping that it will be passed down to the child for the food that the Father promised to use the money for.
Anyway, I have much to do before the end of the evening... I will get on my knees and pray for willingness before I start anything!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc
Hey all... It's been yet another full day. I hope my friend Brad (
bradheld.com) got auctioned off for a handsome price! Haha... Too bad I wasn't out there in Chicago to make a bid on him! I wish him the best.
Anyway, how was my day? Well, I totally slept in then got ready, brushed and showered and got my 2 water bottles and headed out the door to visit the kids for the pizza party I was gonna throw them. I had intended to spend no more than $50, but I've never been really smart with spending my money. Alas, I ended up spending $100!! Ouch! So, next on my priority list and an on-going priority is to set budgets that I can and will stick to regardless of the activity! Again, I give thanks for the fact that I spent it on a great bunch of kids who really appreciated it; but I also have to be mindful that there are other bills that need to be addressed as well!
I then went to a HIV Dual diagnosis support group... Boy did I need a meeting with people like me! I got to get some numbers and network with people... I still do not know how to build a support group with people I can just hang out with... I will pray for this to happen; surely I do not know how to do it without my Higher Power's help!
I then came home and took a nap cuz my stomach was acting up again! Sigh... I woke up by 7:30 PM not really knowing what to do, so I chatted with my housemate "R" and saw what he was up to and was totally wanting to get out of the house and do something. It sucks not to have a car! Well, ask and I shall receive; a sober bud "D" called me and asked if I wanted to go to a sober meeting out in Hollywood, I gladly accepted! We went and got chinese food and shared it between the two of us and ate some... Wow the meeting was huge... I saw some of my bud's pick up birthday cakes! Yayee!!! I was willing to just wander and say hello... There were 2 speakers, both who were wonderful and delivered a wonderful message!
Home I went afterwards... I called my sponsor and now sit here wide awake with my roomie asleep in the room. Darn it... I would love to have my own space to just muck around in, but it's nice to have another body there to keep me from being alone with my head and my diseased thinking... I am less than 5 days away from taking a cake! I just asked the first few people to give me cakes for upcoming meetings.... I will have to ask my sister and see if she has time to come up and give me a birthday cake. It would mean sooo very much to me.
My head keeps telling me that I am not going to make it to the one year mark and that I am gonna relapse!!! I keep praying.. I will do my 4th step! People, please help me out and pray for me and call me and remind me how important it is for me to keep moving along in my stepwork and move forward! FAITH WITHOUT WORKS IS WILL LEAD TO RELAPSE!!! I hear it, but I gotta get it through my thick head to my hands and get to taking action!!!
Have a good nite fellas... I am thankful for today... I want to wish my baby sister "J" a very very happy 17th birthday!!! Wow, they grow up sooo very quickly! I remember going to her birthday all high just a year ago... All messed up... It was not cute... Sigh... I am thankful to be present for that... I will spend time and celebrate with her when we go to see Mamma Mia at the Pantages Theater...
Peace out,
Quoc
Evening fello earthlings,
It's late right now! 11 PM. The weather has been absitively, posilutely fantastic! Not too cold, not too warm... Just perfect! I've been able to sleep comfortably at night without feeling smothered by the mugginess of any warm, humid, and dingy blanket of Southern California smog! Ack!
So, speaking of sleeping; I slept from 6:15 PM (when I got home from work) to just about 1/2 hour ago! Boy, so much for the nap; I am glad that I had the time to listen to my body and rest! I missed another sober meeting, but now I have an opportunity to work on my other areas to keep balanced such as to call another fellow druggie/drunk or work the steps, or read Ms. Big Book! :-)
I hope I am not breaking any kind of sober rule. It just states that I am not to mention the *ahem* name, but I may refer to it in more indirect ways! What can I say, right now, it's a very important part of my life and indeed consumes a lot of my daily thoughts and actions.
So, I wake up to 8 missed calls on my phone. One of 'em from my sponsor who invited me to Knott's Berry Farm's Gay night! I really would have liked to go, but I am glad that I got rest. I have a full weekend ahead of me with throwing a pizza party for the kids in the next door of my former recovery house and going out with a fellow housemate and his sponsor for his sober natal birthday outing to Universal Studios.
So, yeah, I got the ONE message from my sponsor and I am thinking what the heck, I feel sooo loved, I got 7 other messages (from the 7 missed calls). I was laughing as I heard each one... They were from the adorable kids all excited about tomorrow's party! They have come together and coordinated a party with assignments delegated as to who brings utensils, food, all the way to the table and chairs! Haha! These kids I would hire to put on an event!!! See, give someone enough incentive and watch them spring into action! I am really proud of these kids and was left tickled pink listening to the succession and development of each voice message from one kid to the other! I was getting a play by play update on who was doing what when! LOL (laughing out loud). More than anything, I love how excited and charged up the kids are about this party! I just meant for it to be a simple party, but it means the world to them! This kind of positive energy, I understand now is the phrase "truly infectious!" This is the kind of stuff that I want to be pervasive around the neighborhood, community and the WORLD! I graciously accept this radiant energy!!!
I hear my colleagues at work share that my energy and attitude is infectious in the office. I didn't quite know what that meant until just about 1/2 an hour ago! Yayee!!! It feels good to be on the receiving end of good energy; but moreso, it feels even more wonderful to know that I planted the seed that blossomed into this burst of synergy! Karma, be it bad or good... it truly comes back!
How did my day go?
I went to orientation at work today! I am proud to say that I work for the AIDS Healthcare Foundation(Anyone interested in finding out more about it: aidshealth.org)
!!! It's everything I have dreamed of working or getting started on the path of doing something that will give back to the community (locally or globally). Being a client of AHF as well, I am able to serve on the team that does REALLY wonderful things to move the world into a healthier place in the future to come! During ice-breakers in orientation, I was candid enough share the fact that I am in recovery from drug abuse and also am HIV positive... The reason why I am working with this organization is because of the fact that I have been on the receiving end of such TLC! I wanted them to see the result of all the hard work they put in; it DOES PAY OFF! Because each of us are willing to do our part in moving one rock, stone or pebble... in unison, we've been able to move a whole mountain!!! Yes, every little bit counts and at the end of the tunnel, we see and feel monumental change effected!
My body didn't take to my meds too well today, but it's just an on-going process. I submit to the fact that taking HIV meds that is saving/preventing me from long term and much more serious medical conditions does have certain side effects. Uncomfortable, but tolerable I suppose. I move into gratitude!!!
Lastly, I ordered tickets to go see Mamma Mia. I hope that my sis "J" and Mom will be able to go and see the show on June 12, 8 PM. It's the last showing out here at the Pantages! If not, I will go with my sis' to see it on closing night. I am thankful to be able to spend a little of my hard earned cash to give my sister a nice gift that she really enjoys. Goodness, knows it a small price to pay considering I was willing to fork over and throw up insane tens of thousands of dollars for drugs back in the day!
Ok, I am wide awake and very happy! If I had a car, I'd be driving out to the beach or somewhere like Downtown disney and walk around... That would be nice. I am in the middle of crack central though where there is gang rivaling violence; so I guess it is best I stay indoors for the evening until day break!
I give thanks for one more day alive and one more day clean and sober! That is what I am guaranteed by staying in recovery... Everything else is whipped cream and blessings that I am gettng over and beyond the ration I would ever imagined possible. Also everything else is all perception and choice; and the cool thing my sponsor reminds me time and time again is that I have a choice to refocus my perception at any given point! Perception is reality, but I can make a choice to change that reality, most of the time from negativity to a bit more happy, joyous and free.
I pray that you all had some happy, joyous and freedom in the passing day. If not, tomorrow brings a new day, fresh and clean with no mistakes! Ah for heaven sakes, I can make that decision to change... RIGHT NOW! or NOW!.... or.... NOW! Get the picture?
Thankfully and humbly yours,
Quoc (360 days clean of all mind-altering substances!!!)
Evening folks!
Sorry I haven't blogged in awhile... I have been in quite a funk lately! Thankfully, I have been able to maintain my sobriety, get to work, get to a meeting and coming home to a safe bed with a full belly and just a healthy mind and body! I am turning 1 next wednesday! That makes it about a week that I turn 1 in sobriety! I am trying really hard to stay in the moment, but hel it is not easy not projecting and just doing what is in front of me. I have this really bad feeling that I am not gonna make it to the year mark. I know it is a disease of perception and that my addiction wants me to think that things are not working and that I am not gonna make it one day at a time; one minute at a time, and even one breath at a time. I went to an alumni meeting with my first recovery house. The first counselor "K" was there. I first was afraid of her, but I had an epiphany... I was thinking about her harsh words! They weren't directed at me; they were directed at the addiction, the unwilling mind, the part that was just stubborn and not wanting to do what it takes to stay sober and live life on life's term. All of a sudden, I felt a whole new respect for "K." Right on! I wish I could've shared that with "K" while she was there. I didn't get a chance because so many people wanted to share at the meeting and I may be speaking at next Wednesday's meeting anyway. I know now that my perception is that the program is hard and harsh and the counselor's the same way, but who is it directed at? It's because they care and love me that they would go and attack that part of me that resides within me and want to destroy me. That is what they are attacking! Wow! What a great thought to go to sleep to.
I was able to be of service and comfort someone who was having a hard time! Boy do I remember those days. I acted very cautiously because I did not want to people please. I also did not want to come off indifferent and insensitive. I acted the way I would've been wanted to be treated if I were in the person's shoes... Just comforted, but not treated like I was a pity party!
I told my co-worker that I was HIV yesterday! Boy did that scare me; my head played all kinds of games telling me that I was gonna lose him not only as a friend, but any sort of a candidate to go out. I really like him... I do. I am not sure if the feelings are reciprocated. I just really like the rapport I have with him at work! I really like his personality and his little quirky side. I think he is totally sexy being tall, thin and dorky looking... Anyway, I am not going to put any kind of expectations, just do my part and be as honest as possible and just leave it in God's hands... Whatever will happen will happen.
I am able to say no when I am not comfortable with it. I am not perfect at doing it, but boy am I getting better with every day! Yayee!!! I am very proud of myself!
Ok, folks... I am turning in.. I know I am babbling... I am just in a much better mood now that I was at the meeting and I had a great day at work, I made my supervisor laugh and smile and just not have too many hitches happen to me, except whatever occurs in my head!!! Dangerous place my head it...
But like my Couselor "J" says, the longest road traveled for the alcoholic or addict is the 18 inches from the head to the heart! I miss my Counselor dearly! I am thankful for those who have rallied and supported me while I am in this very precarious party of my sobriety and life.
All I need do is make a choice to feed and rent space to my disease and let it tell me I am f*cked up or say it's just my head telling me lies and work through the funk, the fear and the crap and all of a sudden; that too will have passed...
G'nite folks! If no one has said it to you, I LOVE YOU! I AM PROUD OF YOU! I FORGIVE YOU! THANK YOU!
Quoc
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Hello Folks!!! It is late... I am tired... And how very exciting! They just updated the blogger.com software... It's set-up seemingly much more user-friendly!!! Cool beans!!! Yayee!!! Too bad I am too tired to really play with it.
How am I feeling? I miss my counselor from my recovery house. I feel horny, restless, tired, and listless... I have plenty to do, but what I want to do is just someone incredibly hot and just have a wild time doing it! Sigh, unfortunately, right at this given moment, that may step me into a puddle of sex and drugs. The latter (drugs) is just not permitted at this stage in my life. Yes, I realize I have just today... But man oh man, this whole being a guy thing and having this darn sex drive! Ack! It's annoying the crap out of me! I just half-assed updated my profile that blogger set-up. I will be more thorough sometime this week with answering the question. I must say that I do like the set-up they currently have! I will take time to navigate it.
So, what happened today? Got up and rendezvoused with Mom in Chinatown... Had lunch with her and went home to basically eat and sleep for a few hours. There isn't much of a space for Mom and me to spend time together with no nurse around and Dad needing taking care of. I also am not making much of an effort in being creative with connecting with my Mother. I really don't know how to do this! I am having a hard enough time connecting with people in general let alone develop a relationship between me and my mom. I am a little embarrassed considering it being Mother's Day and all. Sigh... Any suggestions folks?
I came home to go shopping at a nearby grocery store up the hill from where I live. I just heard from a house-mate that I missed a gun battle right in our back alley earlier in the evening! Great! Scary stuff! It was a bit scary walking up the hill and shopping then lugging all the stuff back home on foot! Boy do I miss a car!! This is all good exercise for me though.
I have to be honest by saying that I called that "hook-up" phone line more than a handful of times today! This is not good behavior cuz it will and is setting me up for relapse! I have no business hooking up or evening communicating with people on the phone who want to party and play... or even just play! Sigh...
I don't know what to do! I know whatever it is I do I can't pick up the pipe and use!!! I must pray, turn it over to my higher power and continue to recommit doing the steps which I failed to do as I promised from yesterday! Where are my priorities?
Tomorrow is yet another full day! May it go well at work and I do a lot of productive work in setting up an environment that will allow me to assist the director and other people in taking care of business that is in front of me.
Pray for me folks... Call me... e-mail me... I really need your support... I do not want to go out... I know I am powerless over my addiction and that if I go out, my life will be rendered completely and absolutely unmanageable all over again... I will pray and move into action. I will check in again tomorrow...
Quoc
Hello all!
It's been a full day for me... The time is almost 8 PM. I slept in and just meandered around the house until past 12:30 PM; boy did I feel like sh*t! Why? Cuz I was muddling in thoughts that could've moved me directly into relapse mode. I was able to finally move my languid butt out of the room and be of service by helping another housemate move rooms; then I was able to visit with some of my other housemates up on the third floor; I did my laundry; I wrote in my journal; and finally I went over to Our House to visit with my fellow former housemates and share! I was able to take the power out of my disease by sharing how I acted out by calling a phone line to "hook up," but thankfully nobody returned my calls to party and play! Phew!!! But for the grace of God I am clean and sober this very moment! I MUST MOVE INTO ACTION WITH MY STEP WORK; or the consequences will catch up with me sooner or later!!! I must continue staying rigorously honest whether it be on this blog or with another person I get to communicate with in person! Share or pay the consequences of relapse and the hell that comes right along with the package!
Scary how one does what one is supposed to do to stay clean and sober and still the disease creeps up takes us out when we least expect it to! Most of the time it is when things are going perfectly fine and dandy!!!
Anyway, I give thanks for my sobriety one more day! I re-commit to moving into action towards recovery again. Someone e-mail me at QUOC@QUOCLAM.COM to just check in with me and see if I actually did keep to my promise!!! I will try to remember and check in tomorrow and see how I did today!
Thanks you all for being of support. I ask that you continue to pray for me!
Struggling blessed addict,
Quoc
Hello! How are you all today? For some reason, when I came home just minutes ago, my body just went onto "wind-down" mode. Sigh... How was my day? Good! I got to work with enough time to buy my co-workers donuts! :-) Things just moved along... There is a lot that I have to learn... I also have a lot of work that I have to start getting creative and putting it into action! Frankly, I am a little nervous because the work that I see before me I have never done before! I am basically doing what my supervisor at the Parks and Recreation Office was doing! Man oh man!!! I am basically this supervisor's right hand man! Wowsers!
So, what is my rub? Well, I am embarrassed to admit that I have a crush on one of my co-workers. Darn it! He's is sooo quirky, he is tall slim and just adorable! I think he has an idea... Sigh... I have not and do not want to breach the personal vs. business relationship that I share between my co-worker. It just ain't pretty should things not work out on the personal level. Anyway, I went to Office Depot with him to purchase some supplies for work... I am being such a penny pincher; money flies by so quickly when one is on a limited budget... One thing I have to remember is that I used that much and then a lot more on sex, drugs and all kinds of self-degrading and self-destructive activities. These are good investments and the motives are good. I am just helping the non-profit organization along with their very very slim budget!
Anyway, I am gonna go home and pick up my cell phone that I ordered a week or so ago! I am pretty excited. This is quite an investment for me; it is my treat for all the hard work that I put into my recovery... The phone is a very important thing that I have to invest on.
Ok, it's been a good day... I feel a little bad about the fact that I am bailing on my meeting commitment for this evening. It's a good meeting; it's just the fact that I kinda like having a choice on Friday as to what to do... I will do a meeting sometime on the weekend to make up for the 4/week.
G'nite all!
Quoc
Good evening all! It's late at night right now, but I feel oh sooo good! I got to work early enough and took care of business and learned what I needed to learn! The work environment I am in is severely limited in resources, but I am more than willing to contribute to a non-profit organization and help it along in a time when the budget is very very tight! I am gonna even buy my own calculator! Phew! Anyway, What else... I just had an amazing day at work. It was just there, but somehow through it all, I was able to just stay in serenity and not freak out over it all.
After work, I immediately went home and got home by 6:15 PM. I got a phone call from my friend "D" who asked if I wanted a ride to a meeting tonight. This gave me time to shower and wind down and chat with my roomie a bit before getting all ready for the meeting. I was in a comfy red ribbed tank top, sheer capri shorts and just flip flops that I got as a treat for myself from Gap from this past weekend! :-) I went to the meeting and just prayed for the opportunity to share. I got to share 2nd from last. Boy am I thankful! I am less than 14 days away from my 1 year birthday. I need to start lining up people for my taking birthday cakes at meetings. Anyway, the speaker totally rocked... I was able to relate to a lot of what he was talking about regarding just using dope to fix and accentuate my sex life etc... It wasn't just major problems, but the problem of using drugs did become a problem in itself! He did it!!! Then after the meeting, I went with my friend to a very cool diner and ate fried calimari and vanilla ice cream waffle dessert... It was sooo yummy... I got to order what I wanted to eat and just have a good time with good company and just laugh and have fun! I saw some of the people I came into recovery with take birthday cakes. That was oh sooo exciting to see. One even had a mother who was there to support her son and was in the program herself! Cool beans!!!
Anyway, I look forward to a good casual friday at work. I give thanks to my higher power more than just the gift of sobriety and clean time just for today, but the ability to enjoy a life of fun, smiles, good food, and good times spent outdoors! Yayee!!
Thank you!!!! I am gonna go to sleep and appreciate this evening! Just because I have been willing to stay in the moment and do the footwork and not trip on the results of how and when I am gonna get something... somehow and someway, it works itself out!
Peace out!
Quoc
Happy cinco de mayo all! I hope y'all had a great day... Mine went ok... I was a bit overwhelmed at work. There is a lot to learn. I have a lot of great people who are willing to help me out. The bad thing is the mere fact that I don't know what kinds of questions to ask with regards to the work that I am doing. I don't know to ask a question until I am am assigned something! I am noticing that a lot of it is going to be up to me to basically find a solution that works best for me so that I can efficiently take care of the business at hand. There is only one hitch, the fact that the organization is on a very very stringent budget!!! Barely anything is being ordered and the smallest of orders is being scrutinized to the extreme. It's kind of petty frankly, but again, I am not the one who has to juggle the budget book! Perhaps it is that serious and I am sure that if the item is important enough that it we have more to lose without it than invest in it and gain in productivity, the item would be approved for purchase.
I am going to turn in fairly early today. I just paid rent for this month. It is kinda my day off... I still went to a meeting that is at my sober living... The speaker was wonderful! I got a lot out of what the person had to share. I got a lot of what the newer members of sobriety had to share... About impatience... about feeling unworthy... about putting on a fascade so that others don't see the true inner person; one that each of us in early sobriety perceive as not worthy of being loved, cared for, and deserving of support, life, blessings and grace!!!
I heard that loud and clear in tonights meeting! I give thanks for that... I wrote my minister asking for a prayer... I ask you guys to send a prayer e-mail to me letting me know that I am in your prayers/thoughts. I need your help to bring me into action and willingness to complete my 4th step by the end of this month... To stay in apathy will cause for the undoing of all that I have been blessed!!!
Peace out...
Quoc
Evenin' all... It's getting to that time of the night where I am gonna turn in. I am feeling pretty upbeat but tired. I am ready for bed. This friggin warm weather is driving me nutz!!! I can't stop feeling physically sticky from the sweat that I keep exuding! Ack! Anyway, how did my day go? Well, I wasn't able to access the internet all day! I had problems with loggin' in at work. It's alright; I had plenty to do at work. I took care of some more business and took my dry cleaned trousers home after work. It sucks at these times not to have a car. The honeymoon with the co-workers is kinda over because tomorrow the head honcho of the organization returns from her retreat/conference and will be back in the office with us. She will be delegating plenty of assignments to me. Unfortunately, I got started training with my predecessor and barely know the inner workings of the organization! I am picking a little more at a time. I am thankful for that. So, all I am gonna do is give myself credit for the progress I am making and know that I am putting in all my effort at each blessed moment I am granted. THAT IS ENOUGH! I AM ENOUGH! I went over to therapy today without a hitch. I did almost crap all over myself... I actually kinda did a little... It really frustrates me to have this side effect with life happening around me. What? Am I gonna have to don a diaper to get around things and be ok? Argh! It's indirectly being affected by my current living situation... My eating habits, what I am eating, where and when I am sleeping and what proximity I am to and from work. All and all, things are getting progressively better, but nothing is perfect by any far degree. I can get all b*itchy and complain and all, but that isn't the way to go for me...
I spent some time with my therapist. It was fairly uneventful chat with him. I did get an opportunity to really appreciate all the things that have gone on since I saw him 2 weeks ago! Apparently, I was still at my first temp position, hadn't moved out of the house or anything! Since I have moved out, have another permanent position, getting more acquainted with my new live in environment, saw Mamma Mia, got to experience a bunch of people relapse around me and me managing by the grace of G.O.D. to stay clean and sober through it all!!!
I swung by the Pantages theater to pick up the Mamma Mia CD. The people were at intermission when I went over to buy the CD. I am dying to hear the track again. All I need now are AA batteries for my CD player. Anyway, I am gonna write personal stuff in my journal and turn in for the night. I will shower and brush tomorrow bright and early!
Big lesson I learned today and supported by my therapist is that I have to move into action with doing my 4th step and just step work in general. Without that, chances that I will relapse gradually increase with every day that passes by.
G'nite,
Quoc
Hello all! It's 4 PM. I am 1 1/2 away from the end of my first work day at my new job. How do I feel? At home... At ease... Among "family" members... It's nice! It feels really really right!!! It's been a fairly easy day considering I am just being introduced and broken into the department.
How do I feel overall? Man oh man! Well, suffice it to say, from yesterday on, I heard gun shots fired around the corner from the house I am staying at... I find out that I am living in crossfire zone between two rivaling gangs! Apparently, the violence has stepped up and they have gotten more aggressive in attempts to eradicate each other from existence. The weather is blistering hot by the way! It was about 105 yesterday. This morning I wake up to my friend and counselor from my former recovery house. I got his contact information; he is leaving town back home to reunite with his family. I then hear that a staff member in the house that I am very close to has relapsed! Ouch!!! That really hurt! I don't know what to do! To call or what? I want to be in the most supportive position for that individual! Sigh... I am sooo darn baffled. Guess I should be!!! If I understood, I would be out there among the madness. I will pray and take the lesson they have taught me and recommit to double up my efforts to work my recovery!
Today, the temperature has topped 105 degrees! Phew!!! Hot stuff!!! Here is the beauty of it all... I am barely breaking a sweat and my other colleagues are complaining about being hot. Cool beans... I remember one point earlier in the year when I was sweating in warm or cold weather because my body had not readjusted to normalcy. Yayee!!! Yet another sign that I am recovering physically one day at a time.
Gotta get back to work fellas... Give thanks for the blessings we have today!
Quoc
Happy Sunday all!
I am thankful and happy to be clean and sober. I have more knowledge today than I had yesterday; yes knowledge and wisdom comes at a price; sometimes more severe and detrimental to one's own well being than others. May the consequences of my lessons from the past day not be permanent. I am definitely not healed and need to work on my 4th step. I will do so! I will!!! So, I will keep my blog today brief. I just wanted to check in... I am one more day clean and sober. I am starting my new job tomorrow! I have some money in my pocket and loving people around me that are very supportive of me and appreciate my support when I offer it. I also have the love and care of my Higher Power; things that tend to be more challenging don't stay around too long so long as I am willing to surrender and turn my life and my will over to the unconditional love and care of my Higher Power. Now it's time for me to move from making the decision and acting on those decisions.
I visited with my Mother today after a challenging evening with another sober friend! I had lunch with Mom and headed over to my friend's to pick up my fridge. Then I came home and visited with the nurse that cares for my father. She can talk the hind legs off a mule! It's all good and wonderful information, but to listen to her share for 1-2 hours consecutively is sensory overload! Anyway, home I am now and I will try to stay in the cool environment of home... :-) I have to catch up on some sleep anyway. Hope y'all have a great rest of the day. I am gonna write the details of last evening into my personal journal now...
Peace out...
Quoc
Morning all! So lesson bright and early in the day! To prioritize my plans before verbally committing myself to them. Also, keep my promises to meet with people when I have committed to them for a prearranged engagement. Argh!! I do not want to be an inconsistent flake! That disrespects other people and considered old behavior. But I must remember to work on progress and not perfection. One day at a time and a bit of growth each day! :-) Cuz I am doing things that I do not want to do today. I can always choose to say no! Remember to think before responding in the first place so that I don't have to backtrack and modify my responses!
OK all... Have a great day! Just wanted to check in... It's another beautiful day... I am sober and I have choices that I can make with regards to living things to do in the day and not ones like whether I should use the last of my change to buy gas, food, or more drugs... A year ago, I would've starved myself and driven on close to empty, but with a baggy of drugs in hand. Just for this moment, just for today, I don't have to and I haven't done that, yet! JUST FOR TODAY!!!
Thanks to my Higher Power. I know the truth of who I am unclouded by the disease of addiction.
Quoc
What a Friday!!! What a Friday! WHAT A FRIDAY! Boy was it full! It actually all started from last evening on! I was called and offered the position with the prevention department about 6:45 PM! Wahoo!!! I went and typed up some of the format for the meeting I secretary at... I brought it over to the meeting place and visited with folks before returning back home ot my sober living at 9 PM for the "House Meeting." Topics discussed? Mainly problems with people not picking up after themselves or being respectful of each other especially in the restroom department. Oh! I worst thing I heard was someone taking the hand towel to wipe their asses with cuz there was no toilet paper around!!! EWEEE!!! Anyway... That was the evening pretty much. I wrote in my journal and pretty much turned in. I was really tired last night... I wrote in my journal last night... Oh yeah, I got to talk to my sister Chin and catch up with her a little bit... (details in my personal journal).
So, today?! Woke up to get ready for work; thankfully my last day with the marketing company... I am still a little fuzzy as to what the company's function is. Well, the supervisor had some work for me to do! Phew! I was working all day today! Entering data galore! I had very little time to do anything personal. I took my lunch break upgrading the cell phone plan and also getting a 3rd cell phone so that Chin has hers, Mom and Judy have one and I get one. I really treated myself on the cell phone. I got a V400 Motorola camera phone! I have a number that is fairly easy to remember too... which is cool. The sales rep really sold me on a lot of stuff and I never even flinched to ask for discounts and better rates. I really deserve this. The phone and food are things that I haven't been too strict about keeping... I feel the phone especially is important for me to keep in touch with people... And me being the guy, I like tinkering with toys.... The phone was my toy! A $200 toy after mail in rebate... Sheesh!
So, I finished work by 4:50 PM and left early to my supervisor's satisfaction... I said my final thank you's and farewells and parted way to find a place to dry clean my 3 pairs of slacks... It's been since my dance night at last years sober convention that I got the pants cleaned! That's almost a year ago and more than a dozen wears I guess! Yuck!!! I then strolled over for some chinese food... I wanted to go to Target and shop a little, then at Gap and shop a little... I ended up going to Target and telling my friend that I wasn't able to go to a meeting tonight. It all worked out because I had some free time to go to Target which I did and bought some essentials: mouthwash, toothpaste, a new electric razor head replacement, and deodarent.
I was too tired to go to Gap and anywhere else, so I took my friends suggestion to visit his place and us going to the meeting together. I did just that... Thankfully, I was able to go to the meeting and keep my commitment and hear a great speaker speak about being different and how we self medicate those feeling of feeling different and just the hardships of life. Afterward, about 9 PM or so, I returned with my friend and his guest to watch a movie. I really wanted to get home and journalize and just get into the safe confines of home, so by 11 PM I did part ways and made it to the Sunset/Vermont subway station.
Upon getting on the train, I caught sight of a very cute guy with a huge climbing back pack on the subway... Upon striking up an introductory conversation and querying him as to where he was headed, he shared that he was headed to Santa Monica... But, Santa Monica Beach or Boulevard? That is when people sprung into being of service. I managed to be a good sumaritan and be of service... I stayed with him until his friends came by and picked him up which was about 11:45 PM or sooo... I did not have the purest of motives, but all and all I had a good enough intention to be helpful and just wanna do what he does in a few years that I had someone to keep in touch with who is going through this experience and possibly serve as a host or a guide when I head out to Europe.
The ride back home alone was scary... The very things that I described to him about LA were the very things that I saw on my ride and walk back home... Me in conservative dress, a big ol' back pack out past midnight certainly made me stick out like a sore thumb among the homeless and derilect people... Suffice it to say, I was sooo very glad to make it past the gate of home... Just got some TV dinner grub and took my meds... I am ready to hit the sack.. I is past 1 AM already and I have yet another full yet fruitful day ahead of me...
I am excited and thankful to be clean and sober today... I am very blessed! It's been a very blessed week! I will remember to put my recovery work first and foremost and address that area which is currently lacking: working my step 4!!!! May my higher power help in guiding me and give me strength to be willing!
Have a great weekend folks!
Quoc
