ON THE CLIFF EDGE OF A CLOUD...
11:06PM, Thurs., April 21, 2005
I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cloud just about to leap off… The cloud spans the horizon… It’s beautiful up here... Doing this will be a leap of faith… I continue inching towards it as I continue with my 4th step, step studying, going to meetings, being available to be of service, doing my commitments, making my phone calls, and just living life and using the other tools of getting in conscious contact with that loving TRUE self of who I am… I have been practicing not complaining for the past few days... I have started over multiple times throughout the day; the lesson I am learning from this is to check myself when I am in a negative state of mind and what my motives are for sharing what I am sharing… Am I speaking ill of other people? Am I just imposing my thoughts and feelings on what needs to happen according to what I think is right or am I being responsible for myself and my own serenity and accepting those around me as just the way they are… To be tolerant, patient, merciful, compassionate and loving and available when they need. Who may I be of service to? Definitely myself, but doing esteemable acts has been boosting my own self esteem.
I didn’t get to share tonight at the meeting. I wasn’t too happy about that because I really wanted to share and I was really uncomfortable but forcing my hand up hoping to get called on, but simultaneously hoping not to get called on. This is what I wanted to share: The best way of making me run away from you is to praise me, compliment me, say kind things to me, and to tell me that I have hope and the ability to be a successful person! I have been minimizing, discounting, or just outright deflecting kind things people say to me.
For example, today, an e-mail was sent by the Director asking my fellow colleagues to congratulate me on my promotion to the position of Prevention Department Coordinator. She commented that I worked really hard in the past year and will not take more of a lead in responsibilities! Cool beans!!! My peers did come up and congratulate me. I didn’t quite know how to react. I did not want to come off grandiose and conceited, but what really came out instead I believe is a reaction that made people think that I am not grateful for the promotion that I was given. I am very honored, privileged and happy for the promotion. I guess I can give myself permission to be a little or a lot ecstatic and excited for the promotion.
I am also discounting the fact that I actually ascertained the certification to do HIV Counseling. Am I perfect? Not by a long shot, but I got to master the surgical art of Mohs histotechnique by bustin’ my butt working and practicing and making mistakes and learning how to process a “difficult” piece of tissue to be perfectly read on a microscope slide. This took me over 1-2 years. I was confident at year 3. So, in just having gained my certificate and gaining these responsibilities that are not even a month old yet, here I have the expectation of perfection.
Ok, I acknowledge that is where I go; this is what I have been doing most of my life. Now, give myself a break and relearn to just be patient and realize as I progress, apply myself, make mistakes, I will get better and better and feel more and more confident with time. It’s like watching a new movie; in order for me not to miss the really good parts not having watched this movie before, I have to sit through the whole thing and pay attention through the boring and not so great parts. My life is like this movie... I don’t get to find out the amazing experience of the whole thing until I take the chance by going through the experience!
Anyway, I am clean and sober one more day! I was willing to go to my meeting; I was willing to go and exercise; I did my commitment; I made my 4 phone calls; my room is 90% maintained! That is terrific! I was promoted today to Department Coordinator. I ate healthy. I took my meds; I am going to brush, shower, and do some studying of 5th step in Jay’s binder, a little more reading of page 30 and 77 in big book to see what those pages are about and turn in for the evening. I give thanks for another day to really live life! I really lived it up!!! I get to do it again tomorrow… How am I going to enjoy it? Am I going to live it up as if it were the last day I have to live? Am I going to honor God’s gift of having fun in life or am I going to slap it away by being a sour puss? I have that choice!!!
Thankfully,
Quoc
BEST WAY TO AVOID PROBLEMS IS TO SAY I HAVE PROBLEMS...
Wed., 4/20/05 6:52AM
Wasted evening? Or rested evening?
So I went to sleep at 8:30PM. I kinda knew that I wouldn’t wake up again til way later in the evening! I woke at 10:30PM and decided that I wouldn’t wake up... So as a result, I did not brush my teeth, shower, pray before going to bed, get my 2 gallons of water, exercise, do my 4th step, call my sponsor or the other 4 phone calls. I did get to rest up, have a day completely without the program to just enjoy the life that sobriety gave me, made an attempt to not complain (or be very conscientious about not doing so), had a terrific day, did really self-nurturing activities, hung out with a friend, smiled and laughed, woke up early Wed. morning to take care of the stuff that needed to like daily diary, budget and daily expenditures. So, all in all, the day is ok!!!
What I get to focus on: That because of choosing not to take care of last night’s chores, I chose to take care of my other needs that are very self-rejuvenating. I have today to take care of my business. I get to have an attitude of having a great day at work, doing my best and enjoying the life and people around me!!! I am not under the influence of a mind altering substance. I am well rested today. I am healthy and a good looking guy today! I get to choose life and living and giving thanks for an opportunity to enjoy today… As in the book Illusions by Richard Bach, I get to choose which movie I want to live today! I can get up and leave at anytime I want and go into a new movie. This is my choice!!!! Yes, I will have my cunning, baffling and powerful disease of addiction lurking just waiting to sabotage my day or those really self-loving moments, but I need only turn it over to the care of my Higher Power and trust that God will take care of that so long as I do my part and use the tools to stay clean and sober!!!
I really shouldn’t be counting, but I am getting myself very excited!!! I have 1 year, 11 months and 1 day clean and sober!!! Yayee!!!
I pray for a great day; to live in the spirit of not complaining and looking at life around me with a more positive perspective, seek progress NOT perfection, be self loving, self forgiving, patient, merciful, and compassionate to myself FIRST and foremost, then to others. I ask my Higher Power to place those people (including myself) that I get to be of service to today. I pray for willingness to not be lazy and take care of my priorities in maintaining my life. I pray for God to quiet my very chatty mind enough so that I may hear the voice of my TRUTH that emanates from within me and act on that. I reiterate in asking God to be self loving and self forgiving and patient with myself in my living clean, sober and a little more sane, just for today… To really see mistakes as progress and not condemn self as being a mistake and not being perfect.
Thank you God and those people that God places in front of me to help me and for me to help!
With deep gratitude,
Quoc
"SOLE" SEARCHING...
4/19/05 Tuesday 8:08PM
The night is still young and I’ve had a terrific day! I finally got caught up with really pressing and overdue invoices and receipts today… I was really afraid that my boss was gonna rip me a new *sshole!!! That didn’t happen. She was patient and jovial and totally willing to teach, guide and explain. I am growing to appreciate, admire and respect my boss more and more by the day! She’s an amazing human being and kindred spirit! The day was long; I started working at 8AM and ended it close to 6PM. I only took a ½ hour break. I am THAT busy!!! I am given key responsibilities that are very pertinent to the continued operation of the department as well as it’s growth! Who ever would have thunk that a tweekaholic like myself would be in a position like this. I am deeply humbled, privileged and honored to be where I am. I truly owe it to my willingness and choice to turn it over to a loving, compassionate, merciful, patient, tolerant God!
I got a ride with one kewl chickeemonkey! I wanted to hang out with people and by her suggestion and my being available, we had dinner at a Japanese restaurant. It was fun and enjoyable!!! The company was great and comforting; I was completely myself and felt at ease. It’s a great transition to my goal at being completely at ease with being myself with anyone who appreciates me or not. I really appreciate and adore my friend. After, we walked by a body shop; my prayers got answered with finding a place to buy some really good stuff for my foot bath actually have the means of treating myself a little to some nice and relaxing and “sole” cleansing foot soaking salts! Yayee!!! I bought about 4 oz of each. They are sooo very aromatically inviting!
I got home about 10 minutes ago… I had some things planned, but nothing that is completely pressing and because I flew by the seat of my pants, I ended up treating myself midweek to something that I’ve really needed and need to continue doing: really fun, and self-loving, self-nurturing activities! I really spent my money well today because I feel amazing right now!!!
Just thought I would check in and share this… So, I am going to use what is left of the evening to go and fill up some water, do some 4th step work and read a little before turning in… I am really going to take it easy today… It’s been an amazing day… I am really glad and thankful for this given moment to enjoy life and be able to reflect upon the things that really matter in living life.
Very thankfully,
Quoc
Sober 1 year and 11 months exactly today!!!
DISEASE WILL SERIOUSLY TAKE ME IF I DON'T TAKE THE DISEASE SERIOUSLY!
April 18, 2005 Monday 9:36PM
I just called my sponsor and spoke to him. I shared a little bit with him… About someone I just met calling and asking me to be his sponsor (work with him). What I did. I shared about my fear of not listening to him like I did with my sponsor this past Sunday. I have a justification behind that; it’s because my sponsor was sharing something really nice about me and coincidentally, the therapist and I just got done establishing that I am very comfortable with DEFLECTING and DISCOUNTING really nice things that are said about me. My sponsor questioned whether I like insanity and chaos in my life. Instead of sounding really grateful for a really peaceful day, I sounded glum yet again. It is as if I am having an interaction with Mr. Fouquette, my old Algebra/Geometry teacher. He was pleased when I shared that I was doing lousy! I got attention and recognition out of it. I felt unique from all the other kids.
Anyway, what else happened today? I got up after not sleeping a lot the night before. I had slept a lot of Saturday and Sunday… I woke up well rested, but kind of not motivated about life and the fact that I GET TO wake up and live and experience another glorious day! I put myself together and walked to meet my fellow carpooling matee! Got to work and had breakfast with the temp. She’s sweet. Then on to work… There is a lot of work. I allowed myself to be distracted by one thing after another! There are a lot of priorities that need to be attended to. I was not assertive enough as my boss requested of me to set boundaries! I worked and took my lunch… I listened to my boss share about her aspirations… it was interesting to hear how even a normie and successful boss may be distracted by the need to be “intellectually” stimulated. I can appreciate and respect that; I can totally relate!
Worked for the rest of the day. I was not very confident in sharing at the Manager’s meeting about creating programmatic sharefolders. So, next time I prepare a little more and deliver a message that sounds convincing. I can be convincing if I believe that I know what I REALLY DO KNOW! I got a ride from another co-worker. I am thankful for the ride because that gave me an extra half hour to treat self to a nice thai dinner. I enjoyed my meal in peace and went to the CA Mon. night meeting.
What a terrific meeting! I didn’t need to share. I wanted to share about my sponsor catching me not listening. How he shared something really nice about me and I totally ignored it consciously (couldn’t accept the fact that I am successful or capable of taking care of self and managing life) or just was wanting to share what I wanted to share and didn’t want to listen to what my sponsor had to share. He stopped me and checked me on that. I am thankful for the individual who called me at 4:25PM to ask me to sponsor him! Wow! What an honor. I gave him an assignment and left it at that. I feel it would be such an honor to be someone’s sponsor! I am just another link in the chain! Me reaching out for my sponsor and now, reaching out in the other direction to the sponsee hoping he’ll reach back and hang on and stay willing!
What did I hear from the speaker tonight? He shared two really great lines… One was for me to take the disease seriously or the disease will seriously take me! Also, to share that a sponsor’s job is not to be my friend; his primary purpose is to share with me the truth of who I am through his observations of me and his personal experiences. If I am acting like an asshole; then it’s my sponsor’s job to tell me that I am being an asshole! The solution to my sponsor not calling me an asshole is to stop being an asshole! It’s simple! Hmmm…
Anyway, I found that amusing! I got a lot out of the speaker’s share. He has 22 years clean and sober. I didn’t agree with everything he said, but my job is to find the similarities, not the differences. I gain if I find tools that have worked for the speaker that I may apply to my own life. Not pick at the things that don’t work for me that still worked for the other individual.
I am sooo grateful for this home group of mine… I love them and they really show their love and affection for me; thus my willingness to travel on bus from Dodger stadium over to La Cienega Park in Beverly Hills! That’s a lot of miles! I got to see my old sponsor for the first time in at least 2 months! Boy do I miss seeing him! He looks terrific!
It’s been a great day… I continue praying to God to give me strength and willingness in honoring my truth and what I love and self pleasing vs. people pleasing and be self-loving by self-forgiving when I make mistakes! I get to gr”OW” each time I make a mistake! Thank you God for affording me this opportunity!
Thankfully,
Quoc
PS - Things I am proud of myself about: the willingness to even share at the Manager's meeting; the willingness to welcome newcomers and listen to my fellow sober buds at the meeting; for being very sweet and sharing my day and being honest; for working hard at my job; for being a friend and colleague with my boss; for asking for help and accepting it when offered; for staying clean and sober one day at a time for 1 year and 11 months today; for treating myself to a nice dinner; for giving generously to the meeting and the members that are saving my life; for really loving me for who I am and doing what I really want and like irregardless of what another person thinks! To seek inner approval rather than outer!
SOBRIETY IN LIFE... NOT LIVING IN SOBRIETY
Journal entry: Sun., 4/10/05 9:52PM
How am I feeling? And why? Short term solution… Long term solution…
The only way I can really interpret it is like having a balloon placed where my chest is and it’s filled up with "fear air!" My chest feels tight; my stomach is churning… I am very scared, anxious, sad, lonely, apart from, dull...
Feelings and Causes of feelings? Why I feel the way I do…
- Lonely, apart from, dull - Eric and his friend talking about good ol’ times and him having a friend to do that with. In these two years, I do not believe I have anyone besides the most recent object of my affection with whom I spent time with just bumming around.
- ST/LT solution – to continue building friendships and appreciate the ones I have right now. Want what I have right now vs. wanting what other people have or feeling crappy about what I don’t have. I get to do first things first right now and that is to work the 12 steps; that is to continue building the foundation of my life. That is to a little at a time to build on the friendship that I have! That is to reach out to people and ask if they want to go out to coffee or dinner or just hang out and leave the results to God!!! Pray for the right thing to do…
- Horny – As much as I am thankful for not having relapsed a couple days ago. I do want to have some form of intimacy with someone. I thought about how attracted I am to another sober fellow. I thought about how attracted I am to the speaker at tonight’s meeting. I am in need of another fix… Just jacking off is not cutting it… I have been doing it 2-3 times daily in the past week or two. Also, I just want someone I can just hang with…
- ST/LT solution – read page 69 and really reach out and be of service. Throw this sexual energy into step work and my recovery. As my sponsor said, I am in the discovery part of my recovery! I am barely finding out who I am. How am I to present a self I don’t even know to people out there. I am fearful, insecure and doubtful of my truths because I haven’t identified them yet or I know them but my perception of my traits are negative and not positive. Also, try posting ads on-line to date… See what may come of that... Try different dating venues that are around. If I want this badly enough, then I will be willing to go to lengths to find the places for quality guys to date besides just on-line and in chatrooms. Pray on this as well… Pray and trust that God is taking care of me right now!!! I will look back on this a year later probably in a relationship and thinking what ever on earth was I afraid of? Pray, trust and do the next thing in front of me. Share, share share…
- Anxious, scared – this is stemming from not doing the fourth step or the reactions that I have from picking up the pen and doing the fourth step. First, how I seem to just drag my feet and not want to do the fourth step. I am afraid that nothing will change after doing the fourth step. I am afraid that I will get better and have not other excuses as my sponsor said with taking responsibility for my actions. I am held accountable. That is scary. I am afraid from the shares of the ladies today at my sponsor’s home step/traditions study… They were sharing sooo many defects of character and challenges in life and just not dealing with it. I am doing great thusfar and making great time. It takes what it takes and I have been very involved with my sobriety. So, I get to start my day over again right now if I want to and move forward from this point forth! What do I want to do? Wallow in victimization and self pity or take action and move towards solution?
- To do and act as if… To move through the fear and trust those that have come before me and also look at all the good that has come of me as a testament of what is to come in the future as I continue doing the work. Again, as I share about doing all 12 steps before judging it; that I what I will commit to! I am growing and doing great… Life doesn’t stop showing up, but it certainly becomes manageable. Yes, if I realize that my inners are mindf*cking with me, then shift the focus to the outside as I am by doing the gratitude list and writing a list of accomplishments that I am proud of in the past day(s). Feel the feelings, but don’t wallow in them and catch myself by taking action in moving towards solution! Pray for strength to swiftly complete step 4… Do my part and make that a priority!
- Dull – I notice that I did not have fun with the sobriety I was given! I didn’t go to the movies… I didn’t call people and invite them to go out with me to the grove for breakfast… I haven’t gone to one of those sober retreats. I didn’t have fun! It’s been rest and staying at home and doing great things with my room; but I didn’t go out and just have fun and dance and go to movies or do what I find to be just fun!!!
- Well, this one is simple. Make it a priority as if it were a priority to go to meetings and to attend my job interviews or to help someone else… Schedule in fun for me as HIGH OF A PRIORITY AS GOING TO MEETINGS!! I came into sobriety so I can live life and not a dull one where I am trapped in my room miserable. I came here to have fun and to enjoy friendship, experiences and just life!!! There is soo much to do! DANCE… MOVIE… PICNIC AT THE PARK… BASKETBALL SHOOTING (DO IT FOR ME)… RETREATS.. LA SHANTI EVENTS… OTHER GAY RELATED EVENTS. So, is this important enough to where I will make and exert effort in finding fun for me???
- Frustrated – I don’t have a car and can’t go places that I want to go or drag people to places… This actually is not really a good enough excuse.
- The reality is I am doing fine and I am getting around to places and I am getting rides and my schedule wouldn’t be that much more different than if I had a car. This would give me a great excuse to continue to touch bases with people. Trust that others will do what they need to take care of themselves and be proud of the fact that I already do have a plan in place to address this matter and I am working towards getting a car. It’s not in my time; but God’s time.
Final notes…
I see there are 3 main sides to sobriety, then there is the 4th side that makes this 2 dimensional sobriety into a 3D pyramid of life… It’s called what am I doing outside of recovery? Am I living the life that recovery has granted me?
JOB INTERVIEW TODAY
I spent a goodly amount of time composing yet another eloquent journal last night only to lose it into cyberspace upon posting the blog! Argh!!! Cool thing is, I was frustrated and upset for about 1-2 minutes. I wrote what I needed to get off my mind and off my chest and sent the message off somewhere into cyberspace. It may have gone on to some other time space reality and some alien species is reading, analyzing and interpretting the REAL meaning behind why this homosapien who calls himself Quoc would write about gratitude for being clean and sober and for sharing the experiences of his life in a day...
I really would love to revisit those subject matters again, but alas, this may be an opportunity for me to just write what I need to communicate without all that colorful verbal diarrhea. In a nutshell, I shared about the following:
As of Wed., I am proud to announce I passed my role play with flying colors and am now deemed a genuine and certified HIV Testing Counselor/Prevention Specialist capable of converse with you on the finer points of behaviors that will support reduction of risk of exposure to STDs and HIV!!! Yayee!!!
As of Monday, I received a phone call from the object of my affection telling me he is going into a rehab. facility. It was very challenging for me to bare witness to the progression of the disease... Last Tuesday, his phone call sharing about what's the point in doing recovery if so many people fail at these attempts; then remarking that he may not be an addict after all... Then hearing that he relapsed on Thursday. Then hearing again that he was in the hospital because he overdosed on Saturday. I did cry and was sad and kept in touch with my sponsor. He has been guiding me through this process. I give thanks for the experience. I pray for my friend and hope you do too. He is sooo young.
As of yesterday, Thursday, April 7, 2005, I was called by HR for an interview today, Friday, April 8, 2005 to discuss my qualifications for the Contracts Assistant position at the Main Office. Pray for me folks! Actually, I trust God in taking care of my needs and placing me where I am needed most and where I need to be in this given moment! God can see a way bigger scope of my life; I trust and turn it over to that Power that shines light on the GENUINE TRUTH OF WHO I AM.
Last night I was once again convinced about taking contrary action. I got home from work really tired and feeling motion sickness from the bus ride home. I wanted to stay home and rest; instead I took contrary ACTION and carried my butt to a meeting and honored my cleaning commitment and as a result got to hear a fantastic share from a friend I adore and admire. The cool thing is I don't know the person he was telling stories about prior to his coming into recovery! Wow!!! He is indeed testament of the growth and progress and 180 degree turn around from the truth of who and what we believed we were to the TRUTH OF WHO AND WHAT I REALLY HAVE BEEN, AM, AND ALWAYS WILL BE. The person I know is the person that is loving, caring, willing to help another sober alcoholic on a drop of a dime. This man stepped up to the plate and taught me how to ask for help (literally said the words, "I need help" and had me repeat after him). He is good looking, sharp dresser, a whole lot of fun and just is enjoying the life that recovery has granted him. These TRUTHS about him I identify suggests that I have these same qualities!
Today, I give thanks for such an all around support system... I had a using thought last night walking home from the meeting and paused for no more than 30 seconds before picking up the phone and sharing about it. I took the power out of the alcoholic thought and showed my disease how serious I am about the program and what I am willing to do to stay clean and sober. Progress not perfection! Things get easier with practice!
Thank you God for your patience, tolerance, compassion, mercy and LOVE. Thank you readers and supporters of my on-going life. Thank you for allowing me to be a part of your life and being a part of my support group. I give thanks today!!! If I wake up feeling like it's a bad day, I can start it over at ANYTIME!!! What's my attitude today? Am I hiding in the shadows of the disease or continuing to walk in the light of my HP? I have that choice today.
Thankfully,
Quoc
