BROKEN DREAMS...
I haven’t blogged because I have needed the therapeutic value of putting pen to paper doing some written journalizing... I hope this stuff gets transferred into the net one day as those moments when I write are the real juicy stuff of my life... (sample is a journal entry I wrote about having a dream of my setting things in order before I got executed or was going to die). I have been going through the wringer to say the least lately. I have just been a ball of emotions… I have been up and down, up and down… like a yo-yo or better analogy like the Goliath ride… December 2006 through beginning of January 2007 was like riding on the first part of Goliath where there is that 200 foot drop!!! I just kept going down, down, down and circumstances just built up and stacked against me to the point of my bursting into tears about 2 weeks ago in a meeting sharing about my frustration of not being able to let go of these negative feelings, forcing gratitude, forcing myself to go to meetings, forcing myself to get up and go to work, forcing myself to just push through the day, and definitely acting alcoholically by treating my loneliness with isolation…Thankfully, since my share and opening myself to receiving love and support from others, I have gotten better. I have been saying yes to every opportunity granted me to hang out with friends and get to know them better and let them into my life, my head and my heart. I have allowed myself to be much more vulnerable…. I am saying yes to life and letting things happen…
There indeed is a learning curve as I have been going through ups and downs… Again, this is progress as I shared that prior to this, it has been all down hill and being a bottom feeder of feelings…
The main thing I can’t get over is seeing other people promote and get paid comfortable wages and I am still living cautiously and counting my pennies. I really want to go to Hawaii at the end of February for the AA convention. I want to go to New York in the spring or fall of this year. I want to be able to do all this while having enough money saved up to cover me for emergency rent for a few months. With the current way I am living right now, these very few goals I have will not come to fruition.
My sponsor help remind me that I am earning more money than ninety percent of the rest of the world annually. I am living comfortably compared to the majority of the world. He tried to bring gratitude into my attitude. I am grateful, but I am told so many things about me being great and marketable. My fear is that there is only a window of opportunity where I can capitalize on that before I get too old. Sigh…
Today, I had a very very very difficult time waking up to go to work. There is this dreaded annual report I have to complete for one of the programs. It is an incredible challenge to get it done as the data is not correct and accurate and the mechanism by which the data is being mined and collected is very inefficient and tedious. I wanted to call in sick and avoid the report for at least a day. At some point during the morning, I popped up from the thought that tomorrow will only bring worse news as the report will still be there and yet another day late. I need only work on it and continue chipping away at the report and get it done!!! It is going to be quite a task and project to get an efficient system in place for future reporting of this information. I have an idea of how it should looks; it is implementation that I don’t know how… I guess I get to learn by asking questions, offering proposals and learning what I can and cannot do. I am proud of myself for having buckled down and going to work.
I worked quite late… I was the last person in the office… The maintenance crew had even come in to clean the office while I worked. That was a sign for me to leave. I had a prior engagement to hang out with a friend out in Pasadena… I went over to her home and hung out with her family… I chatted a little, enjoyed some dinner at the table with her family. It was nice to be pampered and taken care of by a parent and enjoy some home cooking… I found the experience very eerie and emotional… I missed this feeling very much…
Of course I was the perfect guest. I have been trained well. I spent the rest of the evening watching American Idol with my friend and her sis... We got some good laughs. I then went into my friends bedroom and we chatted some more about life… It was nice to get to share and commiserate and just have a heart to heart with a friend. I feel safe with her. I have amazing friends that love me and want to hang out with me and spend time with me and want to be a part of my life and want me to be a part of theirs… It was nice to experience the feeling of belonging, wanted, welcome, and needed. I stayed for about 3-4 hours and left just before 11:30P; after all the two of us have to work the next morning.
It is half past midnight.. I need to shower, brush and get to bed… Perhaps read a little bit of a self-improvement book before sleeping… I need to get up early and get to work and focus on getting the report completed to the best of my ability so that we may move forward with the matters that matter now! I need to focus on the moment and get back to basics and put one foot in front of the other and take care of one thing at a time and not future trip too much on ALL the things I have to do such as facilitating a training next week, going to a training the week after and facilitating a training, as well as try to balance it out with my current responsibilities managing my programs. I also am thinking about how I am going to balance job searching, head hunter searching, decluttering and redesigning my home so that I may invite guests to come over and enjoy. I am thinking of how I am going to complete my 8th step quickly so that I may reap the benefits of getting to look the world squarely in the eye as I make amends to myself and to others and get to carry the message and sponsor other people. I am thinking of exercise and tackling my issues with not knowing how to establish intimacy…
Speaking of intimacy… I don’t know when and how to broach the subject with someone I want to be romantically or sexually involved with that I am attracted to… when the underlying foundation is friendship… When would it be weird to talk about dating and sex when I face the possibility of being shot down and rejected and consequently making that friendship weird… My gut is telling me to just enjoy each moment I get with this new friend and get to know him and say yes to those opportunities and moments that come up for romance and sex… Perhaps I will move beyond this initial infatuation stage and like him as a friend as time passes… I don’t know…. It’s so darn complicated. Truth be told, I would absolutely love to have no strings attached sex and maintain a friendship with him… But the truth is that there is a deeper attraction for this man… I am not really feeling confident and giving myself permission to bring this subject up as the crazy drunken monkey in my head is telling me that I am too fat, asian, short, and unsexy to be with a guy of this caliber… I am a very picky person when it comes to attraction of both the mind, body and spirit… Thusfar, my sense is that I really am attracted to all three that this man has… What to do… What to do…
My prayer is for God to help re-spark some sense of excitement and motivation for my job; whether it be the current job I am in or for the job that God has in store for me… My prayer is for God to help me wake up with eyes wide open and an attitude of great appreciation for another day I get to create beauty in the world for myself and others!!! I want to be able to express my creativity and my talents and get paid for it financially, spiritually, emotionally, mentally, and physically…
I want motivation to
1) be excited and suit up and show up for my job that I am being paid to do!!!
2) continue to take the steps to apply for other positions that I am well qualified for and are well qualified for me, financially and gives me an opportunity to spread my wings and really shine and love what I do!!!
3) exercise and do it consistently and not continue to donate money to the fitness club I am a member at without utilizing it… It’s a waste of my money.
4) be motivated, excited and find time and use the time to complete my stepwork so that I may experience the freedom that has been given to sooo many who have “thoroughly followed the path” towards conscious spiritual contact with God and being able to have fruitful relationships with his fellow human.
5) create the home that I want to live in and would be proud to invite and entertain guests vs. a recreation of the home I grew up in and lived in for over 27 years.
6) be patient with myself and see the perfection of my progress and celebrate those moments when I move forward just by my intentions and definitely any incremental action step I take in realizing the goals and dreams I have for myself.
7) walk with pride and confidence with the people that come into and through my life for the opportunity to be intimate platonically, romantically, or carnally... Be able to say yes and remember that my feeling and being ok is NOT contingent upon my relationship with you or your opinions of me… I can be ok with myself and love myself and appreciate myself and validate myself without being affected by what you say or think of me and our relationship…
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:58 AM E-mail me!
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