Quoc's Web Journal

AT WAR!!!

Oh God help!!! Have you ever placed yourself in a position where you feel like you've put your foot into some really really really thick mud; you can't turn around and just pull your foot out. The only way out of it is to walk forward through the mud to the other side.

Right now, it feels like I am walking through fire & brimstone with sharp shards of glass. Ouch!!! It's incredibly uncomfortable, but certainly not unmanageable and I feel a sense of peace about it because for the most part, my side of the street is clean.

So, who am I at war with? My Boss at work. Unfortunately, she happens to be the Director of the Department. How did an incredible week full of hope, gratitude and smooth sailing, laughter, fun, friendship, family, camaraderie, thanksgiving, rest, serenity, solution, and being on cloud nine turn sooo very sour? I will write a blog updating you of all the wonderful things that have happened in a blog on another day.

Right now, allow me to tell the story of how all the stuff went sour! In the past months, and general history of where I currently work, I have been at odds with the Director who is brilliant in so many ways except for the mere fact that she does not manage people well... She comes off condescending, dismissive, mocking, intimidating, threatening and at times justifiably called a tyrant! She really does the character Miranda Priestly from "The Devil Wear's Prada" perfectly and to a T!

Anyway, enough character assassination. God knows I can write a whole novel about from start to where I am today with my current work situation! Oh the stories!!! So, last month as a result of a pep talk that she made regarding telling us that we "create our own reputation" and that we are the makers of our misery or success. Also the comment about "the Company comes first, the Department comes second and we the lowly employees come last." There was no follow up statement regarding her role as Director in supporting us and doing her job to place us first so that we can place the mission of our department first. One of them is indeed Healthcare! Some of us, it applies that healthcare for those living with HIV! Like me... I was very disheartened. There were a series of decisions that were made very very very very contrary to the majority of the department staff, to undermine certain manager decisions and all without justifying or explaining why. Again, she didn't need to, but it probably could've been handled better so that her staff (me) feel valued and included in the decision making process.

With these laying heavy on me and those few run-ins I had with her and growing into a man who no longer gives into people pleasing and fearing chaos and avoiding conflict, but in doing so condoning for actions that are very very contrary to a foundation that promotes healthcare!

I opened myself to outside opportunities. An opportunity did present itself and I applied and walked through the process and was quickly accepted. I shared honestly with the acting Associate Director who I have established a real friendship with. I am able to share honestly with him about what is going on with me. This is a relationship that I rarely encounter with my supervisors. I have been very fortunate to have wonderful role models for immediate supervisors who really bring balance to the challenge of the negative energy the Director cultivates. So, I shared honestly with him and he has been nothing but supportive, loving, and very encouraging.

Reasons why I wanted to leave the current company I work for. I am being burned out at work. I am working all kinds of crazy hours. The compensation isn't all that great for the contributions I am making. Also the Director is just creating a hostile work environment for myself and my colleagues. I love what I do, I love my co-workers, I have stayed because I love the mission and the clients that I get to help serve. I love the field of work I am doing and have grown to be quite good at doing it!

Reasons that motivated me to stay; an opportunity opening up for me to be a training manager of a new program for training new counselors. Also, the fact that the Director is leaving in the 2nd week of 1/2007. I prayed about it, did pro & pro lists, and talked to my sponsor, my colleagues, friends, and people in my recovery meetings. I wanted to make a decision that is in line with being of service to others and not just completely self serving. I was convinced to stay. I wrote the letter with my sponsors help declining the position offered to me by the other agency and mailed it off this past Monday morning. I made a phone call thanking them for the opportunity, but I am gambling on the chance that I may have an opportunity to make my dreams come true and start a lifelong career in becoming a trainer... or in my words the next "Ed Wolf."

Upon arriving to work Monday afternoon, the Director nonchalantly walked by and asked to meet with me. I thought it was to address her departure. She was kind enough to ask about my time off and shared about how excited she is about her new adventure in life. I am very happy for her. She then launched into the point of why she called me in... Why I was leaving... Why I was manipulating the Associate Director... Why I am creating and cultivating and environment of judgement, hate, and anything that is of service to my colleagues. That was sooo darn presumptuous and hypocritical of her! She started in on cross examining and picking apart little things and picking at my nerve endings... She wanted to know a clear reason why I wanted to leave in the first place and then what made me decide to stay. After her constant poking and bullying me and upsetting me, my emotional self uttered the absolute TRUTH without sugarcoating or anything... I said, "I made the decision to stay because you are leaving."

Okay, is the above the absolute TRUTH? Yes. Was it handled and delivered in the most tactful manner? No. Was it the best I was able to give her given her bullying and intimidating, demeaning, mocking, and just consistent berating of me? Yes. I am proud of the fact that I spoke the TRUTH to someone that I felt fearful of and needed to people please to keep her in my good graces. I was fed up and no longer saw any incentive for people pleasing her. This is when she "called me on my stuff" because I did the same...

All of a sudden, this became personal and an attack. Wait... What was the point of this meeting? I got a sense she knew what was up and was just wanting to pick a fight. I think I am one of the first "subordinates" to stand up for himself and just tell the TRUTH... The truth stings and hurts. I get that, but her retaliation is NOT! She really mucked up my day with her response. I was distracted for the rest of the evening... I felt like she was going to sabotage me and put my current job in jeopardy. She insinuated that if she had anything to do about it that I would not have the Training Manager's position. That I was "unwelcome." Strong and hurtful and very very personal attacks that were very very immature and uncalled for.

In sharing with my sponsor I learned the following lessons: there is no such thing as a friendly conversation with your co-workers and especially with your supervisor. Also to be very very careful about who I share what with and that my naive trust in people is indeed innocent but is getting me in trouble. I must be very cautious with who I share what with. Sigh...

Tuesday, November 28, 2006... I had composed documentation of all that had happened the day before and also composed a letter with the help of my sponsor to speak to the bigger issue at hand about what transpired yesterday. I was debating whether to actually report it. On the way to work, I saw the HR Director walking on the sidewalk back to the building. That was my sign to face fear with courage and not cowardice and set boundaries and report this. I did so and went to work. It was uncomfortable, but I felt confident that I laid everything out very factually and not feeling oriented.

Upon arriving to work, I was again confronted by the Director who rarely greets people with good morning. She said good morning. I softly said hello. She didn't hear and took it to the next level. She snapped at me sternly and said it's innappropriate and not mature not to respond when she said good morning. She said good morning again and gestured for me to say good morning. I complied. I documented this.

Later in the day around 2P, right as I was walking to a meeting in preparation for World AIDS Day, the Director called me into the conference room with my immediate supervisor as witness. She made this a space for her to vent her anger and frustrations. She was very very inappropriate, threatening again, and waved her "Director" muscles claiming that she is the final deciding factor in all matters regarding the department. She told me that she is enforcing disciplinary action for the comment I made... Something to the effect of insubordination. My sponsor disagrees. I was just telling the truth. She has the support of people in the agency and she can rescind her resignation at any time... She again reiterated and alluded to who she wants to place in the Training Managers position again discouraging me from applying... At this moment, I had a blistering headache, I was feverish, my hands were cold, and I was very very upset. I tried to interject and told her that was enough and that I was upset. She said NO and continued with her abuse! My supervisor tried to intervene. She cut him off too. She had to say her piece. This was a one way conversation and there was no room for response. On this foundation, she wanted to start on a clean slate with me with what time she had left. All she wanted to hear from me was some quick response of compliance. I said "done." The meeting was over. My supervisor tried to chime in again. She said the meeting was over. Wow!!! Where was a recorder to bring to the attention of HR?!?!

I went downstairs, probably, pale, hands freezing cold, I couldn't concentrate... Tell me this is not intolerable working environment and hostile working environment and abuse of an employee that is severe and starting to become persistent. I am hoping for the support of my supervisor to report this. I didn't ask him to do this. I may... I spoke to my sponsor...

So, at this juncture, I don't know what to do.... Ask the other agency for that opportunity they extended back to me and leave my current company immediately? Should I stay and ride this out and take the legal routes as much as possible and document everything that is going on? Clearly this is affecting my focus on my job and my emotional stability. Can I trust HR with whom the Director knows all the ins and outs and manipulating it so that I do turn out being the bad guy?

Thankfully, my side of the street is pristine clean. I am not as clever with manipulating and being vindictive and being vengeful. If I am to stay sober, I am called upon to be of service to the Director, to the agency, to myself and my sobriety. To do what is right and what I feel makes me feel and look better.

What is the cleanest and best decision and action to take? Do I walk through this with courage and possibly experience intolerable bureaucracy and disappointment from an agency which may condone the actions of a clearly abusive and borderline insane boss? Will I be able to walk through this because I did FINALLY tell the TRUTH about something I should have been consistently doing from the beginning? Is it worth walking through all this grief and put my health and well-being in harms way of someone who literally has lost all sense of consideration for me as a staff, HIV positive person and just another human being? I don't know...

I am sooo disconcerted. My hands are cold just from typing all this down... What happened? Are these the consequences of accumulated actions of dishonesty via people pleasing and not setting boundaries from the beginning and telling the truth of when I am not ok with something? I would have never imagined myself in this position even 48 hours ago and yet here I am debating whether to stay or go... What are the prospects of my future? Can I hang in there for another 6 weeks? Should I just bow out and leave for my own health sake and not take a risk of having to deal with her... I really don't know!

God help me... Help me continue to stay sober... Continue to suit up and show up... Continue to practice the traditions in all my affairs... To continue to be of service... To continue to trust the process and walk through the doors that are open... For me to have clarity in walking through the doors that will not place my serenity, physical, mental and spiritual health in jeopardy.

God help me...

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 12:06 AM              E-mail me!