ACCEPTANCE IS LETTING GO…
So, what am I doing right now? Stuffing myself full of King’s Hawaiian sweet rolls and Pirouline chocolate cookies with two percent lactaid milk… Everything is set up for me to be successful!!!I woke up feeling sooo nice and rested!!! It felt really really good… The studio was quiet when I woke up… There wasn’t a worry or a woe… My bills are paid… All the people I love are in good health and not experiencing strife… I have food in the fridge and some money in my bank… I have a job that I am good at and with Staff that like me as a manager. I have friends I can call and friends who call me.
What kinds of thoughts are going through my head today… The fact that I have to concede to the fact that I need more rest because I am HIV positive. My body just requires more rest and tires easier. I am not necessarily depressed or physically out of shape… It’s just the simple fact that fatigue is a part of being HIV positive and needing more rest than the average hiv negative healthy person. Accepting this fact and taking time to honor my body’s need results in a body that is well rested, a mind that is alert and calm and eyes that are fresh to see the world for all the gifts it possesses.
I drove to work in a car that I just took in for maintenance… My car has brand new brakes, fully inspected by the mechanics and given the go ahead, oil is changed and car is washed… I have peace of mind that my car is running at optimal condition and no worries that it will break down… That adds to my peace of mind…
I have little things here and there that need my attention like money and time to pay for the car’s registration and smog check; a few piles of paper clutter that need me to sort and get rid of; computer needs to be cleaned up so that I can use it to organize the rest of my life… The realization that all the stuff that has been sitting around on the side probably doesn’t need to be here to clutter up my life and doesn’t really need to be addressed!!! I haven’t suffered any dire consequences from leaving it alone for months… That probably means it’s just something I am creating that I would like to have done but really doesn’t need to be done if I don’t want to and have other priorities… Rather, this is a pile of stuff that is filling a space that could be opened up for a couch and for rearrangement of furniture so that I may have a house warming or have guests over to watch a movie with me… There are some letters to write here and there and some pictures to put together here and there and some books to read here and there and some step work to be done here and there… I probably would benefit from exercising… Otherwise.. I am doing good!!!
If I really take a moment to look at my life the way it is… It’s simple, at peace, non-chaotic, and drama free!!! How beautiful is that?!!
I was called back for a 2nd interview with the director of the organization I applied for a week ago…. Wow… That was a quick response. I guess I will show up and go… The question now is what am I gonna do about the job if I actually get offered the job… How badly do I really want to leave my current job? There are a lot of personalities… To use an analogy, the department I work in has is like a hillside with a lot of patches of dry grass, twigs and wood to that can burn… All one needs is a little bit of heat to spark some drama!
At the same token it really offers great opportunity to grow! My job as of recently has gotten easier! I actually have more free time to actually start focusing on the mundane chores of being a manager, understanding harassment and handling complaints and conflict resolution and being resourceful in creating a productive and non-hostile work environment… This does not mean that my job could turn into a nightmare very quickly…
I am very dissatisfied with the current pay that I have right now… I literally do not have extra money to buy even some of the small things I like… I am constantly counting my pennies to make sure that I am not spending too much so that bills can actually get paid... Before it used to be a thousand dollars give or take before there was a concern that I was in the red and spending frivolously. Now it’s a matter of any more than a hundred dollars give or take and I would have to cook and not eat out for a couple weeks!!! Aargh… Quality problems I understand…
And again, I must be proud of myself for working sooo very hard for the things that I currently have!!! I have it pretty good… I trust God will place me exactly where I need to be… I need only accept and appreciate the things I have and walk through the doors that are open… If there is more than one door, walk through one and whichever one I choose, it will be the right one… The beautiful thing is there really is no wrong choice… There is a good and a better choice… I need only choose!!!
The theme these past few weeks has been acceptance… Self acceptance… and letting go of what doesn’t belong to me or isn’t me any longer… This past weekend, I donated a lot of clothes… mostly jeans and really really nice slacks that I bought with Mom… They did not fit me… They were 28” – 29” waist clothes that felt like 26” – 27” when I tried them on! It was horrible!!! I tried to make room in the closet for these clothes that did not fit me. There was some insane thought that I would grow into these clothes again… These pants were worn when I was tweekin!!! I was about 105 – 110 lbs… crystal meth thin and very very unhealthy… To hold onto these clothes would mean that I am not willing to let go of the past and that I think looking the way I did is glamorous. The Truth is I was dying and very very ill, physically, mentally and spiritually…
In donating the clothes to the Van Ness Recovery house, I made a gesture letting go of the past self and move toward acceptance of the present self. In letting go of the clothes, I made room for the current clothes that I have in the closet so they aren’t cramped and wrinkled up… In letting go of the clothes, I am making room for new clothes for me to grow into… In letting go, I am creating less clutter for myself and creating a new home for myself and not needing to recreate the home that I lived in for 27+ years.
My friend Aaron is going through hardship with his grandmother being in poor health. There are feelings behind that… I remember how sad I was when Mom was ill and how sometimes I needed to know that someone was just there to love me and be there for me… I didn’t need advice… I just needed to know there was someone there should I turn around and need a shoulder to cry on, a hand to hold, a couple arms to embrace me when I became melancholy… I didn’t have a confidante because I was afraid of getting close to anyone…
I currently don’t have close close friends because I have a fear of letting anyone too close into my life for fear that they would discover that I wouldn’t measure up to their expectations… The truth is that I am losing out on loving friendships because I wouldn’t measure up to my expectations of what I should be in their eyes when all this time they are accepting me just the way I am... Suffice it to say, I am extending the same love and support that I wanted and needed to my friend Aaron… I wish him, his family and his grandmother well…. May all this pass peacefully and be cradled in the hands of God…
On this note, I will attempt to clean up the pile of papers that sits on my table in an effort to relieve myself of more of the chaos and clutter that my old self wants to create…
Instead of being STRESSED… I will turn the word backwards and create yummy DESSERTS…
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:38 AM E-mail me!
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