Quoc's Web Journal: UNDESIRABLE, UNWANTED & UNWELCOME...

Thursday, November 09, 2006

UNDESIRABLE, UNWANTED & UNWELCOME...

I feel sooo helpless and powerless to my feelings… I am angry, disappointed, ashamed, and not in sync with serenity and satisfaction…

I will start with the worst offender of my bad mood… I was invited to join my sisters and the fiancé to go to Vietnam to visit the family perhaps one last time… I was keen on going thinking part of the trip was to spread Mom’s ashes in China…

Upon hearing more details about the trip and realizing it was just a “vacation” to visit the family, I was not very excited. Apparently, I still have a resentment against the family back home in Vietnam and my aunt and her whole family out in New York for their less than stellar support in our time of loss last June before, during and after Mom’s funeral. So, I wasn’t too excited to go…

I do want to be with my sisters. I do want to visit Grandma… The hesitation with this is that Grandma does not know the Truth about everything that has gone on with her daughters. I can’t bare to be in her presence knowing that she doesn’t know about Mom passing away over a year ago… I would love to see the countryside in Vietnam… There are incentives for going…

The other challenges are, I am in no financial status to take a vacation; I am in the middle of possibly changing jobs and moving in a different direction with my career. I am in the midst of completing the 8th step and starting my amends step which coincidentally involves mainly financial amends!!! I want to be financially self supporting and not count on other people unnecessarily.

Well, I still considered it and looked into what I needed to do to make Vietnam happen. I started talking to my co-workers about going to Vietnam… My sponsor shared his concern about my compromised immune system and how going halfway around the world and being introduced to pathogens may affect me. My co-workers pointed out that I may need to look into taking extra medication to maintain my immune system. They also pointed out that I need to do some prep work prior to going to vacation (i.e. – vaccinations and other shots to make sure I will be ok). Drinking water from the tap may place my health in danger… Anyway, along the lines of my research… I ran into the concern of restrictions… THIS IS THE BIG SHOCKER FOR ME…

DID YOU KNOW THAT SOME COUNTRIES HAVE RESTRICTIONS AGAINST PEOPLE WHO ARE HIV POSITIVE? MEANING, WHEN SOMEONE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY ENTERING INTO ANOTHER COUNTRY AND IS DISCOVERED TO BE HIV POSITIVE; THEY MAY BE “DETAINED AND HELD FOR DEPORTATION AT THE NEXT EARLIEST FLIGHT.” Wow!!! I was totally floored!!! Among the list of countries that have such laws banning HIV positive individuals from entering into their country to infect their natives was USA and China! Oh my f*cking God!!! I am abhorred and appalled. Here is a list of countries that have border restrictions…

Border restrictions for People Living with HIV (PLWH), worst offenders:
• United States of America
• Kingdom of Brunei
• China (not Hong Kong or Macau)
• Iraq
• South Korea
• Solomon Islands
• Sudan
• Moldavia
• Mongolia
• Oman
• Russian Federation
• Saudi Arabia

Here is a link to a site that cites all the different restriction laws for people living with HIV:

http://www.aidsnet.ch/modules.php?name=Content&pa=list_pages_categories&cid=5&newlang=english

The one that really hits home is China… This means if I were to take a trip to China with the family to spread Mom’s ashes, I would be taking a risk of being stopped at the border (discovered that I am HIV positive) by way of identifying my HIV meds or if I were stupid enough to be honest and tell the truth about my HIV status, turned around and sent home!!! I am sooo desperately sad about this news…

So, this saddened me…

Secondly, I am running out of steam at my workplace… People that I care for and love working with are leaving right and left. There are people I personally feel are not the best people to bring on-board to gel with the rest of the department that have been hired despite department staff opposition… There was a speech given by the boss lady in a manner of trying to motivate the department shared that: we “are responsible for the reputations we have within the department.” The expectation is that we place the Organization first, the Department second, then us third without her following up with sharing that it is her role to place the hardworking employees in this Department first and to support us every step of the way...

I was sharing my frustration with a co-worker about why I wanted to hear the boss-lady verbally communicate this… He told me that we don’t need to hear a leader verbalize that we are the most important person to them because we see the leader lead by example and take the action… We don’t need to hear it, because we get to experience it through boss-ladies actions… I had that aha moment because the reason why I wanted to hear it was because I was not feeling it or seeing it! Ever since that “pep” talk, I have been just coming to work for the mere fact of coming to work…

I still derive great satisfaction from helping the clients I serve and working with my amazing staff… They keep me going… I generated a list of tangible things I want in seeking my next job…
1) A LOT MORE MONEY > 45,000/YR

2) NOT HAVE TO SUPERVISE

3) INTERESTING WORK THAT DOESN'T INVOLVE CONSTANT CHALLENGES

4) ROOM FOR GROWTH AND PROMOTION

5) WORK ENVIRONMENT THAT IS LOVING, SUPPORTIVE, FRIENDLY & HAS CAMARADERIE AND A LEADER THAT IS JUST ANOTHER TEAM MEMBER IN THE WHOLE DEPARTMENT

6) CONSISTENT WORK SCHEDULE (NO MORE THAN 8 HOURS/DAY AND 40 HOURS/WEEK)

7) HAVE WEEKENDS OFF!!!

8) GAY, HIV FRIENDLY!

9) MOST IMPORTANTLY, WORK THAT I ENJOY DOING!!!

I should expect all of the above be met… They are not unreasonable and unrealistic! Now that I have put it out to the universe; let’s see what happens…

The third challenge that I have been experiencing is feeling disgustingly dirty and unsanitary and like a walking disease and puss-bag… As if feeling the pinch of the people at the borders at the airports turning me away from entering their country wasn’t bad enough… I realized in my conducting STD screening at an STD clinic that I may have picked up yet another STD… Tell me about lightning striking twice in a row!!! I am just a walking sh*t magnet… I know I am being a hypochondriac and self diagnosing… I am waiting for my Doctors appointment to confirm or deny my self diagnosis… I am too embarrassed to share what it is… It just sucks that given the limited things that I have done, that I would have picked this up!!! Argh!!!

The fourth thing is that I feel desperately lonely… I suppose feeling dirty, disgusting, and feeling the real consequences of the things I am… asian, gay, HIV positive, an addict/alcoholic, and someone who has not complete done a 180 on people pleasing… Today, this past week, I have not felt particularly proud of all these things I am… I am not dating anyone… I am working my tail off with little compensation and actually adversely affecting my recovery work and with no recognition of my work done… I am trying not to play a victim role and taking a very active role in the other parts of my recovery aside from unity by going to meetings.. I am being of service and really working on my recovery… The negative feelings continue to persist… My head continues poking fun at me being less than rather than equal to and just enough to be worthy of being wanted, loved, appreciated, recognized, and desired as a boyfriend or partner…

I am trying to reach out and take that scary step making myself vulnerable to friends and sharing honestly with them fearing that I will be thrown away and turned away from my sharing my truth. I am trying not to just fall back on just depending on a therapist to dump all my woes and problems to and saving myself from making friends and getting to know them and letting them into me and letting them get to know me…

I have been withholding a lot of information lately… A lot of life has been happening… A lot of joyous occasions… I will now include some pictures of my friends and I on Halloween night in West Hollywood… Some friends I have grown to love… One of them is Aaron, a true friend and brother I am sooo thankful and blessed to have… He is the one dressed up as a hippy in the pictures…

I have a loving sister who is willing to spot me in supporting me to going to Vietnam with the fiance and my baby sister… Only, I find out about all these challenges that lead me to pause and take a step back… My sponsor reminded me yet again to “walk through the doors that are open.” Currently, there are many God-posts that point in the direction of this is not the time to take this trip… To feel the feelings, stay in the moment, move into gratitude, start my day over anytime it goes awry for any lengthy period of time, and to just show up, stay sober, take care of myself and trust that God has not brought me this far down this path to drop me and leave me to tough it alone…

If I am toughing it alone, it’s because I am choosing to do it alone and not reaching for God’s help… Not asking for God’s help… Not asking for Thine Will and Mine to be One… I am trying to find the positive in all this… Right now, the only thing that is positive is my HIV status…

I am sure this icky feeling will pass… Otherwise, things are good… Boy, did I need to vomit tonight… A lot has gone on in my head with no real outlet…

Quoc

Dopey (from Seven Dwarves) and Quoc says Waasup!!!