HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOM (IN HEAVEN) FROM YOUR SON...
Mommy,I had a dream about you last week... I was really sad from the dream because you didn't recognize me... I am thinking you went through that threshold when you passed away and now have forgotten everyone from this past incarnation. I remember in the dream you showed me pictures of me and shared with me that those pictures were of your son... They were pictures of me... You were sharing those pictures with pride. I guess I should feel good... It was nice to see you again in a dream... It's been way too long...
I felt really sad yesterday Mommy... I didn't know how to celebrate your 63rd birthday last yesterday... How do you celebrate the birthday of someone that has passed away... Between the dream and your birthday, I felt really sad... As you probably see Mommy, I have moved into a studio... Don't you love the kitchen? Aren't you proud of me for cooking the oxtail soup and the tomato stew and mushroom and chicken stew? I don't know how to make your lemon chicken soup nor your steamed egg whites... I have been craving your herbal chicken soup... There is sooo much happening... Chin celebrated yet another birthday this past Saturday... The family got to come together and have a meal. We had good laughs and stories to exchange... We're all doing well... Just thought I'd take a moment to let you know I have been sad lately again... I miss you... I wish you were here to cut up some fruit, give me advice on life, share a few proverbs with me, and sigh along with me and just contemplate about the lessons and morals I should be getting from living life...
I have loving friends I am afraid of getting to know for fear that if they really knew me, they would realize I am not cool enough, good looking enough, white enough, tall enough, straight enough, hip enough, young enough, old enough, rich enough, healthy enough, educated enough, witty enough, etc... and end up turning their backs on me and walking away. I have been taking chances in making friends with them... They are amazing... I can see myself loving these people like my brothers and sisters... I am trying to build out this family to try to fill that big void I feel from the fantastic five in the Lam family... I don't think that will ever be filled completely... That saddens me deeply...
Mommy, help me find some clarity... Help me find the courage in continuing to be true to myself, to be true to my decisions in asking for what I want, what I need and go for what I dream for... Help me find the commitment to love and be of service and devote myself to creating a loving space where I can host family (nuclear, familial, and extended) functions where we may come together, laugh, mingle, share stories, eat, drink, and laugh some more...
When I look at the reflection in the mirror, help me find you through my eyes, through my heart and let me love myself the way you loved Grandma, Dad, Chin, Judy, all of your family and me... Help me extend the same love that you extended to me and teach me to pass that forward to those that I get to be with...
I miss and love you Mom... Happy 63rd Birthday...
Your son and friend,
Quoc (Yiao)... "Mom called me "happy when cradled" as my nickname" Right now, I need to be cradled in Mom's arms...
Below are some of my favorite pictures with Mom and pictures from my last birthday with Mom in 2004... I need to scan the other pictures of my family... I need to retrieve them from a friend...
posted by Quoc @ 12:28 AM E-mail me!
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