Quoc's Web Journal

PRE-MOVE IN COLD FEET?!?!

Eek! On the eve of my official move into my studio, I am totally getting some pre-move in jitters... I can't stay out of the negativity of my place and all the reasons that I didn't think of in consideration of moving in... The studio is either getting smaller with every passing day or I am getting fatter! I haven't even moved in yet, I've only unpacked a couple things that was left behind for me from the last tenant and the studio seems filled to capacity already. The sun glares in the evening through those ugly partition blinds. The bathroom is not completely cleaned up... The place is really small! I barely have enough room to place a desk, a bed, and a couple book cases... I am afraid that I am gonna turn this studio into a replica of my old home in Bellflower... cluttered, mismatched...

Suffice it to say, there are some major feelings and frustrations... It goes deeper than that... Yesterday, I caught myself acting like Andrea (Anne Hathaway) in the Devil Wears Prada when she was still new. Instead of just working hard to learn the trade and being professional and patient, she complained the whole time and didn't put her best foot forward. One of my Manager's walked in to check on me because he was distracted by my constant complaints while working on a report that required a lot of tedious work. I was whining, making high pitched squeals, etc... oh God!!! It's sounds worse now that I am putting words into what I was doing! How embarrassing.

It got worse, I then got irritable and a little curt with the colleague who was assisting with building a temporary database system to assist with tabulation of statistics for the report I needed to do. While I was watching him work, I did a quick evaluation and self check in and realized that I was misdirecting my anger and rage toward him because I felt stupid and incapable of doing what he was doing. I was going about things the hard way. I UNREALISTICALLY expected me to be able to do what he was doing even though I don't have the proper training to do what he was doing...

Lastly, I feel I was acting unprofessionally while on a break (after business hours, I should've been off) while a co-worker was trying to work around in my vicinity. I was on the phone and just really distracting my co-worker trying to conduct the busienss of calling people about their STD results!

So, I could nurse on these mistakes and call myself a mistake and beat myself up and berate, belittle, and label myself as being one big MISTAKE! I could focus on all the negativity...

OR I could focus on the perfection of the progress that I made. All the growth I made from yesterday's lessons. In the first instant with my whining... I am whining about doing what I am getting paid to do. I get to check myself and start over with a better attitude.

With the case of my being curt with my co-worker, I was able to catch my actions and stop it from progressing and making matters worse. I was able to recognize and identify that my actions were a result of misdirected anger... I was angry at myself and being inconsiderate of myself and unrealistic with expectations of myself... Instead I get to focus on that fact that I was doing the best job I could've done given the experience, skillset, and knowledge that I had. I could've been grateful and accepting of the help that was offered and that the project was now on it's way to being completed!

With the case of my behavior unbecoming of a manager and co-worker, I was able to catch my mistake after and promptly apologize and follow up with a genuine apology and promise that whatever transpired would not happen again in the future. That is a true amends! Not only apologizing for the inappropriate action, but to take action in changing that behavior! As my hold high school theater teacher said, don't apologize because an apology doesn't do much except recognizing a wrong was done... Just say, "Thank you, I'll fix it." I took the high road and apologized and made a promise to change that behavior.

With all of the above, I should be proud of the progress made that I even caught the mistakes while they were happening or shortly after they occurred! I didn't need someone to bring it to my attention. I was not in denial. I even made amends where amends were called for! I went to a meeting and shared about my feelings and fears with the intention of integrating solution into the message for the newcomer. That's success! These are the growing pains of living life and benefits of staying sober; not the dying pains of someone who can't unwrap his lips around the crystal meth pipe while withering away. This is the hope and TRUTH that my Higher Power hopes that I see.

This disease is cunning, baffling, and powerful... It controls me when I don't recruit the help of my Higher Power and the army of loving, compassionate, tolerant, merciful, and supportive people that are in my life. Today, I affirm to share honestly and reach for help. Today, I affirm not to outgrow human! As much as I want to be promoted to God or demi-god, the likelihood of it happening probably not very high... I don't think God is gonna resign his job anytime soon...

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 9:28 AM              E-mail me!