Quoc's Web Journal

GETTING WHAT I WANT MAY KILL ME...

Hey guys... Here is a brief update... It's almost 2AM and I need to be up for work... I am dying to share about what is going on though...

So, last night, I was completely miserable... I had totally set myself up to relapse by hooking up with that guy to get high and have sex. Instead, I took my sponsor's direction and took someone with me to go to a meeting. Then I went home and cleaned up my room til about 3 or 4 in the morning. I couldn't get the obsession to leave and get high out of my head. I couldn't sleep; so cleaning was a way of staying busy...

I didn't feel better... In fact I felt worse and worse... I was tempted to call my sponsor... I came this close (holding fingers very close apart) to relapsing... I prayed; I wrote; I should've called someone to share about it. I wanted to go out and get high... I finally tried to go to sleep... I tossed and turned and fantasized about getting high... I purposely stayed up sooo late that it wasn't worth getting high and be able to have a productive day and be able to make my evening recovery meeting looking somewhat sane; then leave to pick up my sister and her fiance from the airport.... I PLAYED THE SAME GAME ON MY DISEASE AND SABOTAGED IT!!! I am sure this was divinely inspired!!!

Anyway, I finally fell asleep and woke up by 10:30A... I had received multiple phone calls... God there are sooo many people that love me.... There are sooo many interventions that are going on and sooo many people reaching out to me to keep me from listening to the gorilla in my head that has broken out of its cage and is running amuck in my head wreaking havoc!!! My connection with my Higher Power has one cingular bar if at that!!! Somehow some way it's getting through just enough for me to get by...

I spent the morning and afternoon just moping around and feeling really depressed and upset that I couldn't get high... I had called my sponsor to check in with him and let him know that I stayed sober overnight... He is actually the only person I called today... I was not feeling it! I did not want to talk to anyone...

Anyway, I was able to make it through the day and go to my meeting feeling really really cruddy! I totally have the F*CK ITS! I am pissed that I can't have tweaker sex. I am upset that people see me as Mr. Recovery and not an object of desire. I resent my unreasonable boss at work. I resent a subordinate that is totally being insubordinate. I resent the guy who called me Betty Crocker. I resent myself for letting something like this be enough to go out and relapse over. I resent losing the 3 consecutive years sober... I need to do another fear inventory. I need to do another sex inventory.

Anyway, I made it to the meeting... I shared honestly when people asked me how I am. I received sooo many hugs and people taking a moment to spend with me. I don't quite know how to transition from one person to the next without making the last person I am talking to feel dismissed. There were so many people who wanted to say hello... Eventhough I was feeling sooo crappy... I think they wanted to love me and support me because I was feeling this crappy!!! Someone whispered to me while hugging me... "Quoc, let us love you until you can love yourself... Are you practicing self forgiveness?" Another very special person came up to me and reminded me to continue with the "BNQ." BNQ = Be Nice to Quoc...

I took a seat close to the back because someone had removed my card and took my seat up front... Sheesh!!! I stood up and took a chip and hug and identified as a newcomer. I have 14 more days of this if I keep staying sober one day at a time. There were a lot of people who identified as newcomers tonight... There were relapsers. I got some numbers and will be calling them to ask them to share their experience, strength and hope on how to stay sober after a relapse and continue with relapse prevention.

I raised my hand to share... I shared about how I felt... Really crappy. I shared about hating to stand up as a newcomer... I shared about the monster that has been awakened and wanting to go out and get high... I got to hear myself share that I need to stay and feel these feelings and experience this crappy space so I have motivation and incentive not to relapse again, because if I do, I will have to do this all over again IF I make it back into the rooms of recovery.

I shared about solution that I get to value this experience to pass along to someone who is planning on relapsing or has relapsed. Those who are planning to not relapse because "RELAPSING SUCKS" I protested. Those who have relapsed like me, I get to extend love and tolerance to them and not judge them because they are not bad people who made a poor choice or decision... They, just like me, are alcoholics who have a disease that is cunning, baffling, and POWERFUL! It's not about will power... If it was just will power. I am POWERLESS! I am standing at the turning point. I must ask my Higher Power for his protection with complete abandon...

I was sooo emotional... I forgot to mention that I need help. I need their love... I need to hear their experience... I need them to stay sober... I need them to just STAY.

At the conclusion of the meeting, I really verbalized the Serenity Prayer with vim and vigor!!! I really meant what I prayed. People came up to me at the end to hug me, offer solution, offer their number, extend an opportunity to fellowship with them, and to just be supportive of me. In essence, to love me until I could love myself. No one tsked me or shook their head or frowned upon me. There have been a few. I am choosing to let those people go and remember it's not about me. I am embracing the ones who are supportive and loving...

I then cleaned up my literature commitment and went home for about an hour... I felt sooo much better. I cooked food for the rest of the week and watched some TV with my roomie... Then I left to pick up my sis and her fiance from LAX... I got home about 1:15A... I had just realized upon driving to LAX that the obsession had been lifted for a moment...

For now, the weekend is over... The obsession has been lifted for now... I feel good about having 15 days clean and not so serene, but CLEAN! I have been granted a daily reprieve from the obsession, from going out and relapsing, from the craving to get high and have sex to fix and escape. I felt good about having the opportunity to be of service and pick up my loved ones from the airport.

For now... I am doing ok... I just have to make sure my weekends are structured so that I can survive the weekends without relapse until I have completed the 12 steps, until the obsession has been lifted and until I reintegrate and reinforce that conscious contact I had with my Higher Power. I must forge a strong connection with Higher Power. I need to review my steps 1-3 and do some brushing up with 4 and 5 and really continue working 6 & 7 while continuing to complete 8 so I can really make amends so I may look the world square in the eyes and feel any sense of need for atonement to be lifted.

It can be done... For now, I breathe a sigh of relief that I made it one more day... With the love and support of my sponsor, my support group, my family, and my infinitely POWERFUL Higher Power.

More to come...

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 1:30 AM              E-mail me!