I COULD'VE DIED... GLAD TO BE ALIVE...
It is with great humility that I get to share the following information... On Friday night, June 9, 2006 after my evening recovery meeting from 8:30P - 10P... I made my way to a friends place to hook up and play...I was feeling really insecure from a hook up with someone who was in the recovery program with me who imparted with me that being intimate with me was like f*cking Betty Crocker... He equated me to the PTA Parent leader of recovery.... Mr. Recovery and all about solution... He couldn't see me as someone that is sexy and attractive rather someone to turn to if one needed experience, strength, hope and solution to sobriety and recovery... I know now not to take what one person said and label myself as it... Fact of the matter is I did...
Thus, I went and hooked up with this guy who was NOT in the program. My intention to hook up with this guy was to show what a sexy, raunchy, non-PTA Parent I could be... I placed myself in a dangerous place where drugs were involved. I was arrogant enough to think I could say no in the presence of drugs... I forgot the first step of the program which states that "I AM POWERLESS OVER ALCOHOL AND ALL OTHER MIND ALTERING SUBSTANCES..."
Around 1AM, Sat., 6/10/06... Crystal meth was placed in front of me... I couldn't say no... I didn't say no... At 3 years and 3 weeks clean and sober, I said yes and accepted the drugs and took it into my body... I did not hesitate... I did not play the end of the tape... I forgot about the horrific experience that brought me into recovery... I didn't think about all the consequences that would ensue as a result of taking this hit...
13 waking hours of performing all kinds of unthinkable acts... I was exhausted, covered in lube, dehydrated, body in shock from being intoxicated, lack of sleep, and 7 lbs lighter... At 3 in the afternoon, Saturday, I pulled myself together, showered and got in the car and made my way back home...
Driving home, the laundry list of the consequences of my actions...
- Call my sponsor and share about what happened
- Call my sponsees to let them know I relapsed and cannot sponsor them
- Go back to the huge meeting in the evening, stand up and identify as a newcomer
- Place all my 3 year chips that I worked sooo hard for away because they are null and void now
- Feel the shame of having asked those that I love and love me to give me a cake for 3 years and now losing all of it
- Missed my HIV medication dose
- Have to spend some time detoxing and rehydrating and regain nutrition
- Suffer the insane thoughts of being a newcomer again...
- the list goes on... I didn't think of this list before I took the hit...
In calling my sponsor, he gave me some reality checks with his comments... He is glad that I didn't die... Having a body clean of poison for 3 years and then ingesting that into my system, I could've easily died of cardiac arrest... I actually could've... I kind of felt that during those 13 hours... He shared about my behavior shows my complete lack of respect for how powerful this disease is. It is terminal, fatal, progressive... always gets worse, never better... I will have to practice humility and courage by going to meetings and stand up as a newcomer. He insisted on my being very very very careful about having AWAKENED THE MONSTER... He shared it is hard to keep ones sobriety after a relapse... There are people who think that since I've lost my sobriety, it doesn't matter and that I should go on a good run before I come back... Or think of a clever date for a sobriety date... He urged me to stay close, be honest, give myself to be a newcomer, be nice to myself and extend to myself the same amount of compassion and love and support I would give someone else in the program that relapses. He knew that I was beating up on myself and really feeling self-loathe and remorse and regret.
In the past days, I have heard people who have relapsed and took 8 years to come back into the program. I know of people who have relapsed and never made it back... They died of an overdose or complications from being under the influence. I am back by God's mercy, by having worked a program that is consistent enough that the moment I had an opportunity, I saw the path that I have regularly taken for over 1100 days... I stumbled back in step with it.. My body shaking from being weak and in shock and being intoxicated... I could've died... Just from a 13 hour run, I got a good glimpse of what the rest of the path would look like if I kept going... It would end up in disaster and a mess...
So, I have changed my sobriety date from May 19, 2003 to June 11, 2006. I have 3 days clean and sober today... I am completely out of my mind... I have moments of great clarity of sobriety and solution... Then I have moments of wanting to go out and take a hit and have sex and numb out and just be focused on the extreme sexual pleasure of being high... The truth is in doing so, I would end up destroying myself.. My disease wants me dead, but will settle for me miserable...
I am sticking close to the rooms... I have recommitted to going to at least one meeting a day... I am calling my sponsor twice a day... I am calling my support group and sharing as many time as I have using thoughts and thoughts of bailing and not wanting to do this... I am a total newcomer... It's crazy how I am experiencing the same amount of insanity this time around as I was experiencing when I first came into the rooms 3 years ago... It took me awhile before the desire to pick up the drug/drink was lifted... I should expect about the same amount of time... Argh...
I need to do the following this time around:
1) Pick up the phone and share honestly about what is going on and not just about solution... I am as sick as my secrets... Keeping secrets will get me killed... Rigorous honesty is what I MUST practice and apply to my life if I am to stay clean and sober...
2) Remember to have fun and not take life so seriously... find the humor in things... Take my recovery seriously.. but have fun and celebrate the life I have been given in recovery... I hope to have fun and make friends, and really do things a little more differently than just focus 100% of my life into recovery... MAKE RECOVERY MY PRIMARY PURPOSE, NOT MY ONLY PURPOSE.
3) As my friend shared with me, BNQ = BE NICE TO QUOC. Take what the people in the rooms have shared since I have come back... "Welcome back..." I am glad you didn't die. This is not a race. Slip only means my hand slipped out of God's hands... I didn't die and still have limbs; therefore, I can reach back and get ahold of God again... Don't beat myself up for doing what I am by default, and addict/alcoholic. Just be thankful that I didn't go out for any longer than a day... I could've been gone for much longer and may not have come back... I am not a fake and a phony... This is only my self perception of what people think of me...
4) Pick up the phone and call to ask for help and share honestly about what is going on... Pray that God lift the desire to use/drink... remember it is a day at a time program... Go to a meeting everyday... Don't pick up the drug or drink... Not place myself in situations where I would be exposed to drugs/alcohol... Clearly, I have no defense against it if it is right in front of me.
I am sooo thankful for the multitude of phone calls... The constant reminders that you are praying for me... Thank you for not throwing me away... Thank you for reminding me not to throw myself away... I am thankful for another 24 hours clean and sober... Thank you for not judging me, admonishing me, and just shun me... Thank you for reaching out, taking me out and not letting me be by myself for any period of time as it allows my monster to talk me out of recovery and back into the disease... Thank you for your love... Thank you for your love... Thank you for your love...
Here is to one more day... I need phone calls... I am new and insane... I don't want to do this alone... I need your help and support again...
With deep humility and gratitude,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 11:58 PM E-mail me!
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home