Quoc's Web Journal

DAD'S FUNERAL...

It's 11:33P... I am less than 12 hours away from the final part of the funeral where we will pray, burn more money (make believe money) and other things for Dad to take into the spirit world, and finally transport the casket with his remains to his final resting place at Rose Hills.

Dad past away at 12:11AM, Saturday, April 15, 2006... Yes, 11 minutes after good Friday. It was quite an emotional rollercoaster to say the least all of Friday, April 14, 2006 until he expired.

Today, Monday, April 24, 2006, we (my two sisters, extended family and myself) prayed from 3P - 5P to send Dad off... There are sooo many rituals, of getting up, bowing, then getting all the way down to the ground to bow, then back up, walk around, light incense, pray and meditate, then pour tea, then hold bowl of food to send Dad off, then more walking around, incense, praying, bowing and kneeling for a very very long time.... It wasn't as emotional as Mom's funeral. There were some people who were very very emotional.

I only invited a couple people to the funeral tomorrow.It was because they made themselves available to attend. I didn't invite any to come today; I thought it was a closed event. I am sure if I asked others to come that they would totally come in support of me. I am satisfied knowing my family and myself are in their thoughts and prayers and do extend support and love. That is a whole lot!!!

Anyway, tomorrow is when I will share a bit at the podium about Dad... What do I say? Remembering the times when my sis and I were very young and heard Dad's stories of the "Bird Goddess." Hearing him tell us stories of tigers and other creatures. Knowing what Dad represents, that which is human, not without his character defects but certainly have qualities that I seek to uphold for the rest of my life: that is unconditional love and sacrifice for his family. He protected us from getting punished by Mom more often than not. He did have a very gentle spirit about him. I find myself hiccuping like him... I find myself burping like him. These are the very things I carry within myself that came directly from Dad. Dad was a simple man and really did't seek a whole lot. He was happy when the family was happy.

We ended the evening with a family trip of 20+ people to a buffet dinner in West Covina... We all gormandized ourselves!!! I literally stuffed myself to the point of having a stomach ache from being sooo filled up with food!!! I sat at the table with my baby sister and young cousins... We acted like kids and laughed and giggled and really hammed it up... We celebrated the unity of a family and comaraderie... I heard the laughter from the next table of my sis, her boyfriend, his parents, and the friends and family... They seem to enjoy the experience immensely... We shared stories and just capitalized on an event that brought the family together again for a moment to celebrate and celebrate unity... It was nice... I enjoyed myself immensely...

In the midst of this loss, there has been tremendous gain and successes in my life!!!

Here are some of them:

1) Within the past couple months, I have noticed my prayers coming true.. "seeing self through God's eyes"... and extending love, compassion, mercy and tolerance to myself and others... having the ability to manage life with grace and not stumbling through it... seeing the "perfection in my progress"... willing to take risks and make mistakes and grow!!!

2) getting to work on replacing my defects of characters with my character assets and noticing the marked difference in myself as a result of taking action that is contrary to my addictive, self centered, self seeking, self absorbed, self loathing, self righteous self! I get to be of service, tolerant, generous, etc (over 40 assets I get to work on every month or so!). What a huge gift this has given me in the past two months!!!

3) in the past week, I was nominated as best speaker and said to have delivered a speech that is competition worthy for Toastmasters! It is as a result of my experience sharing in recovery rooms as well as taking a chance and sharing from the heart.

4) Completing a week long training module that gives me the opportunity to train HIV testing counselors on client centered counseling and application of these tools and skills! After completing this training, being told by a trainer I deeply admire and respect that I have a natural talent for giving presentations and have a commanding presence up in the front of a room when presenting! Wow!!!

5) Getting to manage a program that was going to end and with great leadership and an awesome team, turning the program 180 degrees and capturing the funding providers attention enough to renew our contract for another 2.5 years! I just help secure the jobs of my Staff!!! I am sooo proud to have this success under my belt! All I am doing is suiting up and showing up and being of service and do the best of my ability what I am getting paid to do and being thankful for that opportunity!

6) Getting to interview for a position within the Department that is very high profile and feel confident and ease with my skill level to manage the 3 contracts and 2 programs!!! I felt sooo very confident walking into the interview and showed respect and courtesy for my supervisors and dressed up for the interview. Yes!!! I don't know if I will get the job; either way, I am very very very proud of myself for doing the best job and putting my best foot forward and a genuine foot forward. I am not just making things up to impress people to hire me. I am actually presenting genuine skills that can be applied to running a successful program.

7) Getting to show up for the graduation of someone I am helping walk through the 12 steps. What a huge gift that is!!! I am sooo honored, privileged and humbled to get to be a part of this individuals life and get to work with this person in keeping my sobriety.

These are just some of the HUGE things that have been happening in my life. What has allowed for all these things manifesting itself? Diligently applying all the tools of the program of recovery to my life on a daily basis to teh best of my ability. Really appreciating the gifts of my life today and not just project about things that I want. Being forgiving and merciful for myself and willing to dive in and make mistakes and grow and learn...

Know that a lot of the things I do are not about curing cancer... It is another link in the greater scope of life... But it is not the keystone to anything that will crumble if I don't do it perfectly. The keystone and touchstone that I must maintain perfecttly one day at a time is not pick up the drug or the drink just for today; one day at a time.

I can look in the mirror and see the beauty within myself that sooo many people around me see. Wow! Having the ability to see beauty in myself and in others.

I end today's entry with a quote I heard that resonates really loud within my heart and soul... "SUCCESS IS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT... HAPPINESS IS WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE..." Today, I want what I have and in appreciating the haves, I lend myself more room to receive the gifts from just showing up, being of service, giving very freely what was so freely given to me, and remembering that happy and sad moments will continue to exchange hands throughout the day everyday.. I need only take action that is in sync with my Higher Power.

I love my life today... I am thankful for the opportunity to continue to grow... I embrace the excitement from getting to grow into something that can be GREAT! I can be someone great... I may yet live up to the name my mother gave me... Overseer and Caretaker of a Country...

I wouldn't be where I am without the support of an infinitely loving and powerful Higher Power and support group that circles the bandwagon and loves me loves me loves me!

In the spirit of love and service,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 10:58 PM              E-mail me!