Quoc's Web Journal

HAPPY "LUNAR" NEW YEAR!!!

Journal entry… 1/29/06 Sunday… 10:26P

HAPPY “LUNAR” NEW YEAR!

I have been saying to everyone that I have seen and called today, “Happy Chinese New Year!” I wanted to stay politically correct while I blog because this new year certainly does not belong to the Chinese alone…. The Vietnamese as well as quite a few other asian cultures celebrate this day! I saw the “Happy LUNAR New Year” on a marquee driving around today... Felt it was appropriate.

Anyway, happy new year everyone!!! It’s been an amazing weekend!!! I really feel I enjoyed this weekend immensely!!! Saturday, I got to sleep in then spend the afternoon with my sisters and extended family and friends at a restaurant… We got to enjoy a hearty meal and more importantly enjoy a hearty laugh! It was nice to recapture the experience of joking around and laughing ‘til we were in tears.

I picked up some friends to go to a recovery meeting that I got to lead! Wahoo!!! What a great way to bring in the new year! Getting to be of service…

I then got to go home and enjoy an evening of respite before heading out and being of service by picking up a Doctor who is visiting from China who is out here to learn about the services the agency I work for. It took him out to Chinatown with me and we watched strings and strings of firecrackers being lit as dragons danced into the temple… We went home early because the weather was a bit chilly… It was such a beautiful evening…

Went to sleep… Saturday evening...

Sunday morning woke up by 9/10A… I felt pretty miserable… I had three really intense using dreams in succession… I proceeded to do my laundry… I called my sponsor and shared about my using dreams… I felt guilty and shame because I woke up enjoying the feeling from the using dream… I literally felt as if I had relapsed! I wanted to be high and have sex while high… I started beating up on myself… My very wise sponsor shared with me that it is not very impressing to see someone not pick up a drink or drug who has not had using dreams and has no desire to drink or use… He is more impressed with someone who did have using dreams, then has the desire to use, but DOESN’T pick up the drug or drink… I immediately felt better and empowered, encouraged and proud of myself for not having acted on my desire or my triggering dreams! Completed laundry….

I heard from Star Trek Voyager that guilt, shame and remorse do not take away from my humanity… Instead, these very things if honored and recognized reaffirm my humanity. It allows me not to repeat the very acts that elicited these emotions.

Went out to visit with family in late afternoon... My sisters (and her bf) were there, Dad was there, my uncle, aunt and cousins were there… It was a lovely little gathering… We visited with one another; had some more laughs; took some pictures and parted ways…

Here is what I shared at the recovery meeting tonight… I wasn’t able to hold back tears:

The speaker shared about the alcoholic having a difficult time speaking two phrases: “Help me” and “I don’t know.” Another person who shared in the room shared about when one needs help, we need to ask for help… Just saying “help” won’t do it because we’ll just end up getting a little hug… People can’t read minds. Ask specifically for what you need help with!

I shared about relating to the speaker’s experience with being a “gregarious loner.” I shared about how I keep people at an arms length and how I am afraid that you’ll really get to know the real me and abandon me. My fear is that I will even lose the opportunity to relate and connect with you superficially; you’ll just see me and not even acknowledge me.

I shared about today being Chinese New Year and how wonderful it was that I was included in the family festivities. I forgot to share that I walked through my fear of what can I get out of the gathering or event to “how may I be of service and what can I do for the family members and the event?” That totally changed everything and made everything enjoyable because I had not expectations of outcomes.

I shared about having the opportunity to go to temple and pray to Mom and ask for her blessings and acting in her stead when Judy and I were down on our knees at the temple with incense in hand asking aloud for Mom and Buddha and deities to help my baby sis do well in school, to make lots of money, to have good health, and to protect us from being harmed, to keep us siblings close to one another, to care for Dad, and just to continue watching over us as she is already doing… We bowed three times and placed the incense into the proper incense holder.

I didn’t share about how much fun it was for my sisters (& her bf) and myself to enjoy a yummy vegetarian meal at the temple, just giggling and eating and laughing and chatting… It was peaceful, not crowded, and just lovely.

I didn’t share about my sister asking me for a favor! What an honor. She trusts me enough to safely transport my baby sister home back to UCLA. I remember when I used to be high… I would be up for 3+ days in a row, dehydrated, suffering from malnutrition, sleep depravation, and just sheer exhaustion from constant movement at sex clubs/bathhouses etc… Now, I have the opportunity to be of service and take my baby sister home…

I shared if she minded my taking her to a meeting with me because that does indeed come first for me. Judy agreed and went to the first AA meeting with me… It was amazing having her there with me. I introduced her to the many many people that I consider my friends, sober brothers and confidants! They had nothing but very very kind things to say about me. I kept hearing them share with my sister how much they love me and what a great guy I am… There was one point when someone shared “we love him” with my sister and she responded with “we love him too.” My natal family and my AA family love me. How can it be that a selfish, self-centered, self-seeking, self destructive, self loathing and self-absorbed individual like myself could be at a place where I am seen and considered someone that is worthy and deserving of “love?” How can I not believe in the program and a power greater than myself and to continue doing what I have been doing?!?! I am sooo blessed…

I shared about how this very room helped me while I was going through Mom’s dying process, Mom’s death, and the pain that I experienced from Mom’s death. They carried me, loved me, embraced me, supported me, shared their experience with me, and just didn’t give my disease the opportunity to take over. I have what I have because I have taken those suggestions and put them into action despite my feelings and despite my intentions and thoughts and best thinking. I am sooo abundantly blessed on this first day in the year of the dog because I am sober today and willing to practice the principles of the program.

My sister, a few other people in the meeting as well as myself were in tears of joy as a result of this share…

I realize tonight that God answered my prayer of feeling neglected and not heard at my Thursday night meetings… I have had the opportunity to lead on Saturday, and on Sunday to be of service, share and read!

What an amazing Happy Happy Chinese New Year day it has been for me. I called my support group, I worked on my defect, I went to a meeting, I was of service, I shared honestly about what is going on with me, I am going to shower, brush and pray and look forward to just another fantastic tomorrow!!!

Today, I realize it is just the first day of feeling sooo abundantly blessed!!! The first and most important one today: I am sober, clean and serene!

Thank you God!!! I love you all… I love loving me…

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 2:03 AM              E-mail me!