Quoc's Web Journal

KNOWING IS NOT ENOUGH...

Hey folks... Sorry about pulling a disappearing act on y'all for a couple weeks there... Suffice it to say, I've been going through a major roller coaster ride with the Holiday's without Mom... It's not over yet because I typically bring in the new year with my Mom, Dad and 2 sisters... I can't wait for these Holidays to be over with!!!

So, what do I mean by "knowing is not enough..." Well, I know that I am a loving, caring, sweet, giving, friend, brother, son, uncle, snugglebug, etc... I just haven't heard other people share that with me. There is no replacement for hearing someone tell me verbally "I love you," or "you're really important to me," or "I am sooo glad you are in my life," or "seeing you really made my day." I am thankful that I know I have all of the above to offer, but I have been feeling needy lately... In need of some praise, attention, love, appreciation, recognition, adoration...

Well, ask and you shall receive... At the conclusion of my recovery meeting tonight, I had a friend who pulled me aside to chat with me... She took time to share with me about the challenges of her life and felt comfortable enough to be vulnerable around me. Another friend joined us for a minute and shared that no matter how I feel or where I am, I am "someone who springs into action, is action oriented and looks for the solution." What a high praise! I needed to hear that... First I haven't been feeling like a great example for anyone: as a Program Manager, as a Sponsor, as a Sponsee, as a Brother, as a Friend in and out of recovery, and just someone loving towards myself... Anyway, in the midst of this conversation, my Sponsor called to chat with me, joke with me and share with me how nice it was to talk to me and not play voicemail tag, how he is proud of me, and that I am doing great considering it being my first Holiday without Mom.

That 30 minutes spent after the meeting totally made the rest of my evening!!! Last night, I hunkered down and wrote down a few basic things I could do to regroup my withdrawn, self-loathing, self-destructive, languid, fatigued, somewhat depressed self... It is working a little at a time... All I need do is to keep it simple, easy does it, stay in the moment, place one foot in front of the other, pray for Thine will and mine be one, not to forget everything's all right (F.E.A.R.), and just remember that I had a successful day because I stayed sober!

How did my Holidays go? Here is a brief highlight... Christmas morning, I woke up at 5:30A to go to the Van Ness Recovery House and help cook and serve the residents of that house breakfast. We cooked eggs, bacon, sausage, pancakes, french toast and served juice, REAL coffee. That helped get me out of my selfish, self-loathing, self critical self til 9AM. It was very cool getting to be of service! I then napped til 1PM, when I woke and went over to my friend Richard's house (actually it was his friends place), joined by his boyfriend, his boyfriends sister and a couple other friends for a cozy christmast dinner... We watched a movie, drank virgin egg nog, sparkling cider and chatted and laughed... I went back home to sleep (yes, more depression) and went to a 10PM meeting at the West Hollywood Recovery Center. That was my day...

How did I want it to go? I wanted to be home in Bellflower, in the warmth of the livingroom, on the couch, watching Three Stooges or some other Holiday TV marathon event while the aroma of soup and deliciously authentic home cooking permeated the house... The rustling and clanging of kitchen utensils as Mom preps food and does her thing in the kitchen... My sisters would be around either sleeping or just lounging with me watching TV... Dad would just be mopin'around as well trying to figure out what to do with himself when he is not gambling... Then we'd get together for a meal... Now mind you we don't celebrate christmas, but certainly the feeling of christmas was there as the family came together to have freshly cooked seafood with a side of rice, steamed chicken with a side of rice, and delicious seafood broth with a side of rice... Laughing and using chinese play on words to talk dirty and laugh to the point of tears... There is sooo much more to tell, but do you get the feeling of how I have been spending my christmas holidays from as young as I remember up until 3-4 years ago... That is about 20 years of a repetitive tradition that has been broken...

I am thankful for my adopted family and the support group that I have around me, but it is going to take some getting used to and acclamating to these new traditions and new family and a new life... A lot more empty without Mom's physical being here... It's been hard... I have been very hard-headed and not accepting of all the blessings in my life because I want Mom, the family, and have things the way they used to be...

As a Minister shared, the truth about the past is that it is not in the present, unless I choose to drag it into the present. Currently, I am choosing to drag the wonderful past experiences into the present and feeling disappointed that I am not afforded another opportunity to experience the love, care, nurture of Mom's love... I am not staying in the moment and fully accepting of the gift of the present because some of that space is preoccupied and unwilling to let go of the past to make room for today's gifts...

I think I have done quite well considering it being my first Holiday without my natal family, without Mom and with the stresses from being a Manager, supervising some difficult subordinates, some unwilling sponsees, and a very inhospitable, perfection seeking, and unforgiving self... I continue reaching for the solution and in my friend Richard's words: lean into the struggle one moment at a time, one day at a time...

I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. I don't have to do this alone... There is a solution for me... Ask God for help to butt myself out of the way, help another person in and out of recovery, make myself useful to another fellow member of the human race, be loving, gentle, compassionate, tolerant and merciful to myself and others, stay clean and sober one more day, feel the feelings, share the feelings and take action and pick up the tools for there is indeed a SOLUTION!

I affirm to check in before the new year! Lots of love to you all... Thank you for your holiday cards, your phone calls, your e-mails and just amazing love... You are the very bridge that reminds me that I am someone who offers love, care, nurture, wisdom, experience, support as well as deserving of it from you... Thank you for embracing me and reminding me of what a beautifully perfect person just the way I am and just the way I am not.

Quoc.... mixture of melancholy, serenity, resigned, and gratitude...

posted by Quoc @ 11:52 PM              E-mail me!