ORPHAN...
Feeling like an orphan... I practically pleaded with my baby sister to consider hanging out with me in the next week or so... I told her I would burst into tears if I didn't get to see her soon... I am sooo homesick... There is no home to go to... My heart is aching and breaking again... I don't quite know how to mend this... I really really miss Mom... Something feels really really empty and sad...I could either adapt or do self-destructive, self loathing and not so self healthy things... It could be as simple as depriving myself of sleep; gormandizing myself on food; acting out sexually; not letting people get closer to me than just arms length... I don't want to adapt and create a new family... I want my family back and cracking jokes in chinese and laughing til tears streamed down all of our faces and having good home cooked food at home... and just just... BEING HOME...
I feel homeless... family-less... lost because this year I don't get to experience what I have had for over 27 years of my life, the nurture, care, love and knowledge of my Mom and family's presence... It seems extinguished...
Nevertheless, I continue trudging, doing stepwork... Today, I tackled "people pleasing and perfectionism." Yeah, big big ones!!! I get to work on self pleasing and self loving and moderation and progress and appreciating the process and seeing self as no better than anyone else and therefore not subject myself to a higher standard of emotional capability to manage challenging situations or expect perfection doing things for the first time...
I need help... This is going to be a challenging holiday season... It's a month away from being over... I will stay vigilant... I need your help... I need your love... I need your support... I ask for your help, love, and support...
Melancholy just for now, but willing to change slowly... feel the feelings, but stay in action and progress....
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:44 AM E-mail me!
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