STRAIGHT FOR ONE NIGHT...
So, what an amazing past week... The daily prayers that I have been making in conjunction with willingness to stay in action and do the footwork has afforded me the opportunity to really live a life not just surrounding recovery... I had the privilege of going out to dinner with a co-worker out in Pasadena... That was lovely! Then, I got to go dancing with my lovely friend at a straight club Friday evening... Then, I got to go to a party with a date and spend the night with him... Then I woke to go hang out with a sober friend; we had breakfast, chatted, watched Harry Potter at the theater in Universal City, then headed into Universal Studios and spent the beautiful afternoon riding Jurassic Park and The Mummy Ride.... It was nice...
I have managed to squeeze all this into my recovery and not the other way around... It is suggested that I squeeze my life into my recovery and not my recovery into my life, for it is recovery that has brought me the life and all its blessings.
There have been a couple challenges that I have been facing in the past week... One is trying to remember the perfection of my progress.... My therapist and I worked on discovering my fear of being less than perfect. I have this false belief that I am damaged goods... I strive to do everything perfect the first time, because failing to project perfection in my relationship with my family, my performance at work, my performance in bed with someone, my performance with being a sponsor and sponsee, ad infinitum.... you will discover the truth of what I believe I am... DAMAGED GOODS.
That is why I am sooo fearful of making a mistake; you'll see me as a mistake. That is why I am afraid of doing stupid things; you'll see me as stupid. So, in recovery, one gets to uncover, discover, discard the defects and recover the assets. I am in the uncover stages. There is much work to be done in resolving this false sense of self that I have identified with for sooo many years. Perhaps, I will never be rid of this negative self chatter...
As you probably know, I have been trying my luck with the dating and mating ritual... It has been fun... Alas, I made a big mistake a couple nights ago. Suffice it to say, I discovered yet more character defects which gave me permission to place myself in a position of doing something I did not enjoy, settle for no reciprocation of affection, place self at risk of long term physical harm to my already compromised immune system and see my self worth as less than that of the person I was spending time with.
I am sooo immature and new to this whole dating and mating game... I am still exhibiting old behavior with matters of sex and relationships... I am not walking into the relationship as a whole person in search of someone to share with, rather someone fragmented looking for someone to complete me. I will pray for an answer and help with what I need to do with this matter.
What is suggested in the Big Book is when sex relations becomes a problem, I throw myself harder into helping another person... I get out of self and get into being selfless and service work... I work harder in doing stepwork and completing the 12 steps... I want to get to step 12 so that I do have that "spiritual awakening" as a result of having completed all 12 steps! How can I expect full recovery if I haven't received the full treatment for this spiritual malady, obsession of the mind, and physical powerlessness over matters of that disease that yearns for self-loathing, self destruction, misery, selfishness, victimhood, and blaming the world for the woes of my life then hating myself for being weak and feable willed.
So, tonight I affirm and commit to doing more of my stepwork, then committing to spending my energy exercising at the gym, and of course continue my daily routine of going to meetings, making my phone calls, gratitude list, proud of self list, prayer, meditation, willingness to reach for my potential as a sponsor and sponsee, surround self with winners, continue with the attitude of gratitude... Be gentle with myself; know that I will make mistakes, and to remember as my sponsor says, "what's done is done with." Don't do it again and move forward from this point forth with the lesson that I learned. Take the contrary action next time...
Phew... Pray for me folks... Share your stories with me... Call me... Circle your wagons around me and love me until I can love myself... Please ask for help so I can stay sober by being of service to you... Allow me to express my love to you so I may see that I have it within myself to love others...
With gratitude for one more day clean, serene, and sane,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 10:19 PM E-mail me!
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