Quoc's Web Journal

HIV POSITIVE - WHEN TO DISCLOSE?

So, as you folks have probably been following... I entered the dating pool about a couple months ago... I have not been limiting myself to dating people in recovery or the HIV positive community... Although, I find obstacles and challenges in the few encounters I have with normies (people do not need recovery) and HIV negative folks. I am still trying to find that silver lining in time where disclosure of my HIV status is optimum... Optimum for what I have no idea... In disclosing to someone from the get-go, I get immediately judged and turned away... In disclosing to someone after they get to know me, they find themselves conflicted... They think I am really sweet and sexy, but they are very uncomfortable with the idea of being with someone who is HIV positive... Sigh... It's already tough enough being asian... then someone in recovery... now the big one is getting through hurtle number three - still keeping Quoc around after finding out he is HIV positive.

So, I met this incredibly sexy guy last evening... We just chatted... Both parties were attracted to one another physically, intellectually, and even that shared aura... We didn't do anything but make out... I was invited over to go over to his home this evening... I prayed and asked God for help and ended up e-mailing him and disclosing my status. I had already given up hope that he would call me or consider me... He did... He shared how he wouldn't be calling me if he didn't like me... He just is not very knowledgeable with HIV and the ramifications that come along with being with someone who is HIV. I totally understand where he is coming from. He totally understood why I didn't tell him until today... He shared honestly that if I told him I was HIV before we met, he would have reconsidered inviting me over, but after the fact, he feels conflicted... He shared that he totally gets why I waited to disclose...

He asked me whether there was any risk of exposure from our make out session last night... Upon hearing this question, I know this guy as sweet as he is, as compassionate and open he is to possibly seeing me would not be able to get over the stress factor of self preservation... The "is it even worth going out with someone who is fantastic in every way but HIV positive considering there are thousands of other healthy men out there to date?" I really get it... I really do! He clearly doesn't have enough information to be comfortable enough to move forward... I need to be totally ok with that... I find it difficult, because I really really really am attracted to him... I am not just talking physically, I really sense "THAT" connection with someone...

These are some of the lasting consequences I have to live with from the actions of my past. It pains me that I feel "robbed" of opportunities to fall in love with someone because of this damn disease!!! I hate HIV... I respect and revere it and realize that I probably would not have made it into the rooms of recovery without that experience in my life, but I hate HIV to the core! I don't want to be a slut or whore... I really want what I was brought up with: seeing two loving people come together, raise a family and create a place called home... That is what I want, to fall in love with someone that I cherish, adore and love and find those same sentiments reciprocated.... I want to grow old with someone, play house for real, and co-exist with someone and work through the trials and tribulations of the courtship game... I want to realize that dream of monogamy with someone that totally turns me upside down and makes my insides smile when I am with him at any given moment.

I realize I am certainly not alone in this game... If it's not one stigma (such as HIV, being in recovery, the race card, the masculinity card, or the age card), then it is something else for someone else... What I get to do is share my feelings, ask for help, get grateful for the opportunity to have these experiences and trust that my Higher Power has my greatest good in it's plan. Without these low moments, I wouldn't be able to identify and appreciate the high moments...

It's just difficult to move into gratitude when I am going through a challenging moment such as this... The incredibly hot guy called at the last minute informing me that he was working late, and even politely added I could call him if I wanted to later in the evening.... He is sooo sweet... and it's not meant to be because I am HIV... DARN!!! I wrote him the following e-mail:

"Hey... You're very sweet... You are probably one of the sweetest let downs that I have experienced! You did it by the book and even better!!! I know you are just being genuine... What I am trying to communicate and also stumbling for words with you is thank you for being sooo sweet with considering my feelings while also trying to honor your feelings and concerns. You've really gone over and beyond the call of duty for a guy who is just uncomfortable and inexperienced with intimacy with someone who is HIV positive. It'll make this intro period for me a lot less grim and hopeless...

I am still trying to find the perfect timing in disclosing to a person... I still haven't gotten that down pat yet... I am only a couple months into this whole dating/intimacy realm; very green indeed. Know that I have no intentions of placing you in a position of discomfort or risk of exposure (if we had sex) at all! If anything that I did was out of place or came off hurtful, I extend my deepest apologies. Feel free to ask me any questions as I am very well versed in HIV/STD risk, risk reduction and all that jazz...

Here are a few tidbits to place in that noggin of yours:

1) When engaging in sexual encounter, proceed safely (condom for anal, not having a guy cum in your mouth) even if a person discloses he/she is HIV negative... Statistics indicate that 50% of men who are HIV positive, do not even know they are positive.

2) As un-sexy as it sounds, discussion of past partners and STD/HIV history helps keep you healthier... communication... communication... communication!

3) Yes it is possible to have safe sex with a positive sex partner without risk of becoming infected... HIV is transmitted via exchange of fluids such as semen (cum), pre-semen (pre-cum), vaginal secretions, blood, and breast milk. One is infected when these fluids enter the bloodstream of someone either from a cut, open lesion, or sore. Using a barrier for anal sex will prevent this from happening...

4) a. Unprotected oral sex - very very low risk of getting exposed (couple smart tips - make sure lips are not chapped; one does not brush no less than 2 hours prior to performing oral sex (brushing causes microabrasions to gum giving entry point to HIV - still a low risk); one does not rinse with mouthwash a least a couple hours prior to performing oral sex (saliva and enzymes in the mouth that are inhospitable to HIV are neutralized)
b. Unprotected anal sex (bottom) - highest risk of exposure to HIV if the partner is HIV positive
c. Unprotected anal sex (top) - risk of exposure is to HIV if the partner is HIV positive, but it's lower than with someone who is a bottom
d. Unprotected kissing - NO risk of exposure to HIV

Okay... I need to stop... I am probably giving you more information than you really care to know... Just feel free to let me know if you have any questions... I still think you're incredibly sweet, sexy, articulate, charming, great sense of humor, and now compassionate and considerate! Wowee! What a package!!! I am gonna leave it in your court... I totally dig you... Just listen to your heart and honor that which brings you peace of mind when your head hits the pillow each evening when you sleep; that is the most important thing you can do for yourself! I am 100% supportive of that."

Just trust God... and continue being grateful for what I have so I will appreciate the things I get... God has my back and still continues to conspire to give me everyting I want in life so long as I do a few things: remain honest, open-minded and willing; be of service to others when I can; continue working the steps and find that conscious contact in knowing that every step of the way, God is there...

Just feeling deflated...

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 7:35 PM              E-mail me!