Quoc's Web Journal

MY 2ND FIRST DATE...

2ND FIRST DATE = First date with the 2nd guy I have "officially" dated in recovery... Here is my take on it; let me forwarn you that it's mixed with insanity and solution all intermingled... It used to be all insanity; I am thankful for some progress... I am doing well considering I am new to all these sober experiences!

I am sooo judgemental and mean... to myself that is... I went on my first date with another normie last night... I met him at a dance club this past weekend. There was a physical attraction... I actually really like his demeanor and the energy he sends out... So, we exchanged numbers and made arrangements to go out...

He took me out to dinner last night... It was a lovely evening... During dessert, we struck up a conversation with the neighboring table who happens to be the star of Poltergeist, Zelda Rubinstein and her very good looking latin flight attendant friend. She is such a lovely woman to talk to, very soothing and calming just listening to her speak.

My date and I decided to rent Poltergeist to watch Zelda in action in the movie... We went back to his place and watched the movie... I really like Dave, but I just feel there is nothing in common between the two of us besides our mutual initial attraction to one another... I am still attracted to him, but throughout the evening, we really didn't hit on anything that we shared... Guess we'll get to show each other a lot of different things...

So, in doing the tenth step or reviewing yesterday, here is what came from it:

I am judging self for not having enough (money, property, prestige), not be successful enough, not having traveled the world, for being in recovery, and just not the sweet, great looking, successful, ambitious, self-sufficient person that my date deserves... The thing is, I am... I am in recovery and discovering who I am and what I like. For goodness sakes, I love myself today; that is great progress! I am sweet and a "foxy guy" as a friend shared with me earlier in the week. I am successful in helping other people in the field of work I am doing. I am very very ambitious and self-sufficient although I am not making butt-loads of money and get to do all the things I want to do... But compare myself right now to when I first came into recovery and boy oh boy have I progressed and do I have a lot to be thankful for! Compare myself to a few months ago and yes I have progressed yet again. I pray and ask for God's help in maintaining that attitude of gratitude.

I am also judging my date and being presumptuous about how he feels about me and what his real message is when he tells me "when do I get to see you again?" Is he just being polite or does he really want to see me again? When we were watching the movie together, did he really want to watch the movie or was that the window of opportunity for me to turn him over, carry him into the bedroom, rip his clothes off and make mad love to him? Is he just minding me whilst we're spending time together or does he really wanna spend time with me?

I forgot to just be available and practice the traditions of recovery and also honor myself and my needs. There are two parties on this date... I am sooo preoccupied with pleasing my date, I am forgetting to ask myself what I like, want and need. I was totally comfortable with all that transpired last night. I look forward to future adventures with him... I am hoping I will be able to take him out on a trip... Why don't I forget about who is paying for what and when and just enjoy the company I am with and the opportunity to get to spend time with someone I am attracted to?

I am complicating and analyzing the hell out of a simple evening out... I remember the comment another sober friend shared with me... "Quoc, take recovery very seriously, but everything else lightly. Have a sense of humor about life and take life lightly and have fun; as with relationships, if I am not having fun and enjoying that moment I get to share with another individual, then I am wasting that moment I am blessed with... For that shared moment is like the waves coming upon shore, they come and go... Enjoy it while I have it and for however so long as I have it and when I am not enjoying it, then it really is NOT worth the investment. Do myself and the other person a favor by not indulging in wasteful living.

Truth... I really like Dave. I don't think we have much in common and I feel like a steerage class citizen in his presence. I want to get to know him better. I would love to share more of me with him. I really like the fact that he possesses similar characteristics as I do... smart, ambitious, competitive, successful, mellow, seems to have a good sense of humor, and just a great guy to hang with... I only hope that my lack of finances will not limit the quality of our visits together... He is the type of guy I would love to take out to Hawaii for a vacation date or take a cruise with or take a romantic helicopter ride with... I would sooo love to do these things for him...

Alas, why don't I stay in the moment and enjoy what I just had with him, a really great date and look forward to when we get to visit with one another again... In the meanwhile, stay present and live the life that I have been granted in this given moment...

Am I an alcoholic? Am I an addict? Hell yes I am! Just looking at the mind chatter above convinces me that I am a recovering alcoholic. Thank God I have a solution that helps me live life on life's terms one day at a time, completely sober and a little more sane.

Regards,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 8:00 AM              E-mail me!