Quoc's Web Journal

DEATH OF FRIEND... MOMENT OF SILENT MEDITATION

I just found out someone who helped me when I was new in recovery died. Apparently, they found his body this afternoon in Long Beach. There is speculation of suicide. I don't know the details... All I know is that "King Alcohol" and that insidious disease of alcoholism may be a factor in taking his life... As they say in the program, if I am a true alcoholic, and I don't get treatment, what I look forward to is jails, institutions and DEATH.

I met this man when I had less than a week of sobriety 2 years and 4 months ago. He came to the Van Ness Recovery House to be of service and facilitate step study meetings. I only met this man a couple times in the first month of my sobriety. I ran into him again a few months back at a recovery meeting. I introduced myself to him; shared with him what a positive impact he made in my life carrying a message of hope for me when I was just scared and very ignorant of many things as the newcomer I was would've been. I asked him for his number so I may keep him in my support group. There have been many times these past few months that I scroll by his name and unwilling to call and just say hello... I kept thinking, "what do I have to talk about with this man? I barely know him." or we probably won't relate to each other with me being just 2 years free of all mind-altering substances and him with a whoppin' 18 years! Because of my selfish and self-absorbed thoughts, I never had the opportunity to get to know this man and hang out with him. Another beautiful child of God.

So, what led to my finding out about this news in a recovery meeting? I had come home from work with the intention of pulling my medical records together so I may continue receiving my expensive life saving HIV meds for free... I also had the intention of doing more of my 6th step work. I ended up eating some food and end up wanting to take a nap convincing myself that I would take a short nap and wake up by 7:30/8PM to get going with the night... I ended up napping 'til after 9PM. I felt horrible... I felt like a failure, a sloth, unwilling to do work, and will reap the consequences of my actions. My room is a mess and needs to be organized!!! God willing, I picked up the phone and started calling people. Perhaps to stall from doing my stepwork or the medical records compilation. I ended up calling 10+ people sharing about where I am.

All it takes is that one phone call. I called a new friend who shared that he was going to a recovery meeting at 10PM. I reluctantly agreed to meet him there. I immediately regretted doing that all of a sudden feeling like I should've said no and use the time doing the medical record compilation or work on my 6th step and conclude with exercising... I am taught to honor my promises and commitments. I left 10 minutes before 10PM and hauled ass down to West Hollywood to the meeting. I get there as the meeting is starting...

It is a step study... The guys are gorgeous because it is West Hollywood after-all... I did not identify as someone who is attending this meeting for the first time. We launch into reading step 10. "Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it." Again, I am reminded that I am not in charge, God is. So long as I am willing to choose to show up for my sobriety whether it be go to a meeting or do step work, something amazingly good will come out of it. In this case, I get to hear about looking at the stuff I didn't do today and then follow up with affirmative action or wallow in the failure of my apathy. I also get to look at the progress that I have made today however small that step forward may be. In hearing about the death of this man, I immediately remember how precious life is and what am I doing RIGHT NOW with the gift of life that I have been granted. Am I fartin' it away or am I seizing it...

So, let's do a 10th step right now...

Gratitude:
1) I am sober today.
2) I am ALIVE and have the opportunity to LIVE the life I have.
3) I have life saving meds.
4) I have an amazing support group (friends that really care for me)
5) I am blessed with willingness to use my sober tool box and stay in action despite my feelings and self-destructive thoughts.
6) I arrived safely to all destinations traveled today.
7) I have 2 amazing sisters that I love soooo much.
8) I have a safe and warm place I can come to and call home.
9) I have enough money to meet my needs.
10) I get to choose to change what didn't work today and try again to make a difference tomorrow.

Affirmations:

1) In light of hearing about my friends sudden death, instead of feeling sad, abandoned, think selfishly and inwardly, being a drama queen, regret that I never called him, beat myself up for not being grateful for my life today, feel guilt for sleeping tonight when I have a chance to LIVE... I get to honor my feelings, be REALLY grateful that I am alive and actually don't have that bad of a life. From this moment on, I get to choose to make those phone calls to people that I hesitate whether I should call or not. I get to choose to be with people that I like being around. I wake up remembering that I am alive breathing and healthy and get to live life today! I get to see how fatal alcoholism may be and act promptly to appreciate the simple things in life, breathing, feeling cool air on my skin, satisfaction from a good meal, gratification from helping someone else, living in sunny California, enjoying the beautiful sights around me, fellowship with those friends that are around me.

2) After the meeting, I realize how selfish and inconsiderate I have been lately in my blogs and shares... How I have not been practicing restraint of tongue and PEN or in this case, restraint of keyboard. I have been just lashing out and blaming my sister and others for pain that I chose to wallow in. I beat myself up for feeling anger and not fully understanding this continued process of "grieving" for the loss of Mom. I apologize for everything that I shared about my sister and anyone else. It was not my intention to cause anyone to feel hurt or offended. I was only sharing my feelings the best I can given this is the first time I am grieving for the loss of someone I love soooooooooooooooo much! Again, please accept my deepest apologies. Let me know what I can do to make right what I did or said this past week that may have been hurtful to anyone.

3) I remember to just start over from this point forth. The past, it touches me not, if I don't drag it into the present. I can start fresh and DO SOMETHING about whatever needs my attention. Clearly, it's not too late, cuz I still have an opportunity to do it!

4) I remember to recognize and give myself props for the great progress that I have made... Despite my little lazy nap, I woke up and called people and shared honestly and asked for help. I was willing to go to a meeting even late at night to hear some solution and to share some solution. I did good today! I stayed sober today; that in itself is a huge triumph.

5) I remember if I don't pick up the drink or drug, all I am guaranteed is sobriety. If I want sanity, peace of mind, balance, and what is shared in "The Promises," then I must work the steps, I must be willing to do the work to possibly receive the rewards of the work I put in... It works if I work it... Not it works if I know it... Not it works if I think it... IT WORKS IF I WORK IT. What kind of common sense do I have if I do nothing, but expect change to happen. IF NOTHING CHANGES, THEN NOTHING CHANGES. It is soooo darn simple.

Ok... It is really late... I must pull my medical records together. Tomorrow, I will recite affirmations and share gratitude for what I have and pray for God's help to continue helping me along this journey of life... Thine will, not mine be done!!!

Thank you for an amazing day... Some people didn't get to wake up today to experience what I got.

Deep gratitude for my life,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:37 PM              E-mail me!