FEELING INADEQUATE... INSUFFICIENT
I am living paycheck to paycheck. Yes, I am abundantly blessed compared to what I had when I first came into recovery 2+ years ago, but man oh man it ain't easy with the current living wages. I have been taking sponsor suggestion to job search...There is fear of venturing off to something completely new. I have always been in Administrative. I am an expert when I comes to administrative work and customer service. Right now, the path that I am being placed on calls for Sales. I do have the ability to approach, develop rapport and cultivate trust of strangers. I am able to listen, frame and reframe what they is shared so that it may be looked at in a different perspective.
So, the skills are all there. It's a matter of bringing it from my noggin and verbally articulating it in a fashion that is appealing to prospective employers.
I am learning to honor my truth and be ok with where I am and not have others tell me otherswise leading me to second guess whether my current evaluation of my situation is accurate.
- I shared with my sis' that I am living paycheck to paycheck. She started to scrutinize it, but let go of it. I felt judged and criticized.
- My sponsor has been coaching me through the application process of securing a job. He is able to succinctly articulate himself in a fashion that is so easy to understand, direct and allows the opposing party to be totally attracted to whatever is being shared. In essence, with the way he communicates himself, he can sell ice to an eskimo! What is the problem? I feel as if I will never land the job that I haven't even applied for yet because I feel I don't have it in me to eloquently communicate myself the way he is able to.
I have not been totally present for others. I am physically there with him, but the people I have been hanging with lately have been bumming me out! One died a couple weeks ago... A couple have tried to commit suicide... I have a former sponsee who called me who is still using and dealing drugs. It is disheartening. I am thankful that I get to make these 12 step visits and calls, but I can't help but wonder if I am sending out the energy that attract only people who are down and out. I don't know...
It's this whole feeling insecure, inadequate, facing possible change, and fear of failing and instability. My sponsor puts it into perspective: I am tripping over something that is hasn't even happened yet. I know this too shall pass and that feelings are not facts... I am thankful that I am managing to stay in action for the most part and able to take a side step to remember that I am responsible for doing the work and God is in charge of the results... That God hasn't brought me this far down the path to drop me... That I am sooo abundantly blessed... I have been marked and miraculous progress... That growth is indeed the word "OW" with a couple of letters on each side and that growth gives me priceless experience that I may fall back on in the future as well as impart with those I get to be of service for.
I must remember when I am feeling overwhelmed, to get back to basics and do what is in front of me... One foot in front of the other. To remember to have the attitude of gratitude of my true daily mandates:
1) If I have one more day sober than I have yesterday, I am all right!
2) What have I done to be of service to another recovery member?
3) Have I been to a recovery meeting?
4) Have I done some step work to effect more clarity with myself
5) Have I prayed?
6) Have I done a gratitude list?
7) Did I do the things I did that I am proud of list?
8) Meditate and listen for God's message and suggestion for me?
9) When I am overwhelmed, am I praising self on the accomplishment of one more thing?
I remember, the one true requirement for an alcoholic/addict like myself is did I stay sober and clean today? Everything else, I get to work on! I need the support, love and response of you folks... Help get me out of H.A.L.T. (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired).
Help me... E-mail me... Call me... I am feeling crazy... I need your love and support right now... Something just doesn't feel right... It's growing pains... Hold my hand... Remind me that I am doing ok... Remind me that am perfect just the way I am and just the way I am not... Help me through this... Thank you for being a part of my support group.
With much gratitude,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:35 PM E-mail me!
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