ENVY IS SUCH AN UGLY WORD!!!
So, step six says that I am entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character... I am currently doing the work in identify these "character defects" or survival skills... My sponsor has listing defects of characters identified on my part of step 5... After listing these words... I have about 50+ character defects, I get to define what each of these words mean... This has been a very very interesting exercise! I am able to see in living color how destructive and unhealthy I can be by how I verbalize and communicate... One such word that I use sometimes is "envy." I tell people that I envy them for traveling or having something or doing something they really love...Here is the Merriam Webster's definition of the word envy: a feeling of discontent and ill will because of another's advantages, possessions; resentful dislike of another who has something one desires (having ill will or hatred).
Wow!!! There is some powerful stuff resonating from just that one word! I never realized the connotation by which I used that word! Also, I do have moments when I do feel envy... They are moments when someone shares good news with me and I am not happy for them and their successes, but feeling sorry for myself for not having what they have. Sheesh.
So starts the change in behavior via identifying, defining and now changing that behavior that no longer serves a healthy purpose in my life! Someone else asked me to sponsor him last night. It was much easier to lay down the foundation of what my role is in his life. That I am doing this to save my life and to stay sober. That I am not a social worker, counselor, hotel, therapist, bank loaner, or taxi. I am here to share tools that I've learned to stay sober and reach for sanity one day at a time and to guide that individual through the steps. As someone shared with me, a sponsor is someone who does not hold my hand and take me through the steps. He is someone who has been down my path and now has the privilege of holding a flashlight and points it in the direction for the sponsee. The sponsee walking in the dark may choose to take that path that is lit, or choose the other one and stumble into the unknown... When I feel unworthy of being a sponsor, I am reminded that God brought the people that were meant to cross paths with me. So he is allowing me to cross paths with these amazing guys I get to sponsor. When the student is ready, the teacher appears... Now that I am sponsoring, I am learning, when the teacher is ready, the students appear!!!
I've been having a hard time with willingness to go to the gym and work out. I know how important exercise and caring for my physical well-being is. My stubborn mind doesn't want to move in that direction... Frankly it's upsetting and depressing me. I feel fat and unattractive... I feel unhealthy... So, I get to pray and ask for God's help... Then do my part and take those steps in ascertaining my goal one step at a time!!! I can't microwave my physique as I used to want to microwave my recovery. Pretty much no true blessing comes instantly like a microwaveable meal. So, I remember to treat my life like a crockpot.... Slow cook it to perfection!
Gratitude today... I have been doing this in conjuction with a proud of self list and also a prayer list and self affirmations on a daily basis... So, today the 10 things I am greatful for:
1) Sobriety
2) Life saving medication
3) My health
4) Arriving safely to all destinations today
5) Great car that transports me efficiently to where-ever I go
6) An amazing Sponsor that continues to teach me how to live sober and more sane!
7) Continued willingness to extend love, compassion, tolerance, mercy and patience with myself and with others
8) Food to eat
9) A comfortable bed to sleep in and privacy of my own room
10) A job that values the work I do there
11) Amazing friends in my support group
12) Great sponsees that help keep me sober and allow me the privilege of being of service
13) Opportunity to be of service to another person
14) Some freedom from fear of financial insecurity despite my financially insecure position
15) My own bathroom
16) Starting to shift from spiritual belief to having a spiritual experience
17) Opportunity to learn and grow one more day
I am very blessed and thankful for the life that I have been given...
Thank you all for your continued support via comments and e-mails!!! It means oh sooo much to me!!! Keep them coming! Share this site with your friends... I encourage and welcome their responses and experiences with their lives!!!! Share! Share! Share!!!
Warm regards,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:23 AM E-mail me!
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