Quoc's Web Journal

I SEE WHAT I LOOK FOR

"I see what I look for; I hear what I listen for." That is what my Sponsor shares with me. Lately, since completion of step 5, I am beginning to shift from spiritual belief to having a spiritual experience. These theories and concepts of blessings of recovery, sanity, serenity, manageability (with the help of God), and just a way better attitude of gratitude for the life I have are really happening to me! I can't explain it... I can feel it... It is very very real!

So, just checking in; I just completed the first assignment of my 6th step which is to generate a list of my character defects. My sponsor helped identify a whole bunch that I didn't see myself. It certainly is not limited to just the basic five of where was I: dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, fearful and inconsiderate. Also in relations with others, where did I arouse jealousy, bitterness and anger? It goes way beyond that. The beautiful thing is now that I can identify the defect, I can start working on changing that behavior. Heck, lately, just identifying that character defect has been enough for me not to do it anymore. Cool!

So, I am embarking upon the change!!! Finally!!! Steps 1, 2, & 3 are the surrender steps... Steps 4 & 5 are the discovery steps... Steps 6, 7, 8, & 9 are the change steps. I am changing... Layers of the onion are coming off; I am beginning to discover the Quoc that those that love and care for me see in me. I am a loving, compassionate, tolerant, patient, generous, sweet, handsome, healthy, young man deserving of love, compassion, friendship, and all the gravy on top that comes with the blessings of life!!!

I am in the beginning stages of truly sponsoring someone. My Sponsor and my support group are teaching me the my purpose as a member in recovery and my role as a sponsor to carry the message... NOT THE ALCOHOLIC. To communicate the message of singleness of purpose: to stay sober one day at a time and to help another alcoholic stay sober one day at a time. I am being taught that I am not a cab, hotel, therapist, bank, or social worker. My role is to help those interested in learning how to stay sober one day at a time by sharing my experiences. It has been most difficult because I want to help those newcomers who are homeless, penniless and hungry. My tendency is to help another person at the expense of myself; I am learning that I don't have to do that. By enabling another person, I am robbing that person an experience they can reference should there be any reservations about where they came from and whether they want to experience this "bottom" again. I hear that. It still is very difficult to resist helping that person... As my friend says, I must resist taking on the role of Captain Save-A-Whore!!!

I continue to stay willing... I continue to use the tools of recovery... service (helping another alcoholic, commitments at meetings), unity (going to meetings and reaching out to an old-timer and a newcomer), recovery (doing the stepwork in finding a spiritual experience that will liberate me from bondage of years of practic in arguing for my limitations). Most importantly, I am beginning to have fun in sobriety!!! It is suggested I take my recovery seriously, but I take life very lightly!!! I am sooo much more willing in depending on the infinite powers of my Higher Power rather than my finite human self. I am tapping into a resource that is really keeping me charged for the life I am given....

My health is good... At last count, my t-cells are above 600 and my viral load is undetectable. My job is going well... I am a valued and trusted member of the department and organization. I have taken some initiative in making myself available for romantic encounters. I am doing daily affirmations, prayers, proud of self lists, and gratitude lists. That is really helping!

So, today, I have arrested just for today, a living a breathing disease that is greater than myself and wants me dead. How? By turning my will and my life over to the care of a Higher Power. In looking for God, I hear God's message and suggestion that I live a happy joyous and free life just for today...

On August 19, 2005, I will turn 30 years of age... I am not celebrating so that I may be forever in my 20s!!! Most importantly, on August 19, I will celebrate 2 years, and 3 months clean and sober! That is the best birthday gift I can ever receive. On August 23, 2005 I will have celebrated 3 years living positively with HIV!

With gratitude,

Quoc


PS - I still miss Mom.... I forgot to ask her to give me the recipe to a vietnamese soup that Mom used to make all the time; the oxtail soup; and a few other dishes... I miss Mom's philosophical chats with me about life and living a moral and honorable life... I miss calling home to let Mom know that I am coming home and to have some food ready for me... I miss going to Sam's Club with Mom... I never got to take Mom to places like Amsterdam, Hawaii, and Europe... I miss Mom's love bites... I miss Mom's laughter... I miss having that birthday meal that Mom has prepared for me for 28 years of my life... I miss hugging Mom, kissing her, telling her I love her, rolling my eyes when she is just babbling on about proverbs, and just being in the presence of a woman who exemplifies unconditional love, compassion, devotion, diligence, ambition, tolerance, infinite patience, and unyielding commitment in the care of those people she cares for. I am honored and privileged to have been Anh Truong's son... That in itself is one of the greatest gifts I am realizing any person could ever receive. I am sooo lucky... I am sooo thankful...

posted by Quoc @ 12:10 AM              E-mail me!