Quoc's Web Journal

IT'S TIME TO MAKE MOM COMFORTABLE...

These are such difficult thoughts to keep... Difficult because of fear that Mom is dying and leaving behind a lot of loved ones... It's not about me and my fears and my feelings. I honor these feelings; what I am reminded is that now is the time to be there for Mom as much as possible and make her as comfortable as possible with what time she has left.

I noticed her hair start to fall out today... Still some effects from the chemo that she was on a few weeks back. That didn't work... The cancer is everywhere. Mom is having difficulty breathing; she is having difficulty eating (swallowing hurts); she is having difficulty speaking; she is coming in and out of consciousness from the morphine, fatigue and whatever else the cancer is doing to her; she is all swollen up from adema; she is unable to move from being bedridden for so long...

She is feeling alone and scared. She asked me to try to hire someone to be with her at night to give her what little sustenance she can take at a time... I hate hospitals!!! I know they are doing the best they can, but I absolutely hate the care that is offered at hospitals. I am thankful I have been able to visit her and spend time feeding her, and just being there with her.

Mom is in pain... This really sucks!!! I continue to honor her by doing the best I can in caring for myself... I continue working on my 4th step, go to meetings, call my support group, reach out to newcomers, be of service whenever I can, go to work, and try to have some fun all the meanwhile. This whole grieving process is very interesting... It's painful, then not so painful, then it goes away, then when I least expect it, it comes crashing down onto my heart like a 10 ton wall... I am irritable and judgemental... I am mentally, emotionally and physically spent. I continue to find balance...

I continue to pray to God that Mom finds serenity and comfort in the coming weeks... I ask you to pray for my Mother... I don't know how to put a memorial together. There is no money for a funeral and Mom insisted that we don't spend money on her for a funeral; she has decided to donate her body to science. Mom asked that nothing be done for her, but a memorial is for the living, not for the dead... Please don't tell Mom. She is not supposed to know this... There is the chinese culture, then there is the american one. I have experience with neither one. I don't know what is appropriate. I guess I have to talk about these things with my sister and find the best one that suits the needs of those that love and care for my mother.

There is a lot more going on... This pretty much takes precedents over everything else. I am sad... I only pray for serenity and freedom from discomfort for my Mom. I am open to healing thoughts and suggestions from you folks...

Solemnly,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 12:08 AM              E-mail me!