Quoc's Web Journal

Are my rocks in order?

First, I would like to extend my apologies for those who continue to read this site and keep me and my family in your thoughts and prayers. I haven't been the best in taking time out in blogging. That is not to say nothing has been going on. Far from!!! As a matter of fact, sooo much has gone on since the last time I blogged...

So, what has prompted me to take a minute to just check in? Because I am not taking time to check in... In the words of a wise minister, are my rocks in order? Am I addressing the big rocks and allowing the smaller pebbles and stones find their way around the big rocks and fit in? Well, clearly not... I am an alcoholic/addict. I behave alcoholically!!! That means my thinking is warped and my actions without having bounced it off someone else end up being done back-asswards!!!

So, what are my big rocks? 1- my sobriety 2- my health; which is broken down into my spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical. Then comes everything else... Am I taking time out to rest when my body calls for that? In writing my daily gratitude list, am I including myself in the gratitude? Am I giving gratitude for a very loving, caring, nurturing, diligent, compassionate, patient, considerate, and merciful self? That is a lot coming from someone who used to (and even now and then) identify as self-centered, self-seeking, and self-serving, and selfish!

In the past months, I have been learning the lesson of balance... Making time and making myself important enough to do nice things for such as go out to a movie, buy something nice for myself without guilt. It's a constant battle switching from self-conscious to God-conscious. Self-conscious is self abusive and dismissive of those things that are important to me such as rest and fun. Self-conscious manifests feeling of guilt and shame when I am doing self-loving actions; moreso, self-conscious further agitates feelings of guilt and shame when I am already being of service telling me that I am not doing enough.

Today, I called Mom who asked me to go over and bring some more vietnamese vermicelli for her. I shared with her I had to work. She asked if I could bring it over in the morning or the evening. Again, I reiterated my unavailability. Guilt set in that I am being a bad son by not honoring the wishes of my ailing mother. Now, the insanity, is that I am feeling bad for saying no because I can't do it, as opposed to I can, but I don't want to. If I could I would.

My disease is exactly like a radio tuned into KFUK, with the tuning knob and the "off" switch broken. I can only tune out by focusing on my recovery, my work, being of service, going to a meeting and hearing the solution, doing stepwork, calling other friends and sharing the Truth of where I am. There are days when the volume seems quieter than others; it's not a coincidence it is times when I was given the opportunity to help a new comer, to be of service at a meeting by greeting people to the meetings or leading the meeting or just putting away chairs.

My disease in this given moment does not bring up thoughts of using as often as it used to. Step 1 in the Big Book says that "I admitted I am an alcoholic/addict, that my life is unmanageable." Okay, I really get part two of step one. My life is managed by my own devices and own will brought me to the doorstep of recovery. I have to remember that...

Anyway, I think I am trying to avoid sharing what is really going on by sharing all that spiritual stuff... It's all good and fine, but it's not checking in with what is really going on and what I want to do and what you probably want to know... WHAT IS GOING ON IN QUOC'S LIFE!!!

Well...

1) I have 2 years and almost 1 month of sobriety
2) I am a certified HIV Counselor
3) I am Department Coordinator for the Prevention Department
4) I am working on the 4th column of the 4th step which is basically an opportunity to see the patterns of warped thinking and action that I brought into the table of resentments I have against other people places and things... This is a biggy and a toughy!!! Very repetitive, but painful just the same because I get to see in black/blue ink on white paper my part in being inconsiderate, dishonest, selfish, self-seeking, acting out of fear, meddlesome, holding onto a grudge, expectations, lackof acceptance, lacking in gratitude, and just all these things I used as ammunition to blame YOU for causing my lack of serenity, happiness, and freedom. I get to see my part... OW!
5) I am calling 5 people as requested by my sponsor (a newcomer, an old-timer, same-time, my sponsor and the world service center) In calling the world service center, I got to hear from the lady on the other line that the journey I am leading is one of a hero!!! Very few people have the intestinal fortitude to go through with RIGOROUS HONESTY, this fact-finding and fact facing process. Most people bolt, so I feel compelled to feel proud of myself!
6) I am driving again, but literally living paycheck to paycheck as the expenses of life is just barely meeting my income. God is giving me just what I need, and not more for now... I try to be greatful for what I have....

Ok... tonight is not one of those evenings where I feel very eloquent and articulate... My thoughts are scattered. I better get going... I hope you got some things as to what is going on with my life... I will make a bigger effort to focus on the big rocks of self-care and self-love so I am available to others who need my loving, radiant, and wanted presence.

Greatfully,

Quoc

PS - thank you sooo much for your thoughts and prayers!!!! I look forward to continued e-mails from you... I really read and apppreciate them!!!

posted by Quoc @ 11:48 PM              E-mail me!