Quoc's Web Journal

ON THE CLIFF EDGE OF A CLOUD...

11:06PM, Thurs., April 21, 2005

I feel like I am standing on the edge of a cloud just about to leap off… The cloud spans the horizon… It’s beautiful up here... Doing this will be a leap of faith… I continue inching towards it as I continue with my 4th step, step studying, going to meetings, being available to be of service, doing my commitments, making my phone calls, and just living life and using the other tools of getting in conscious contact with that loving TRUE self of who I am… I have been practicing not complaining for the past few days... I have started over multiple times throughout the day; the lesson I am learning from this is to check myself when I am in a negative state of mind and what my motives are for sharing what I am sharing… Am I speaking ill of other people? Am I just imposing my thoughts and feelings on what needs to happen according to what I think is right or am I being responsible for myself and my own serenity and accepting those around me as just the way they are… To be tolerant, patient, merciful, compassionate and loving and available when they need. Who may I be of service to? Definitely myself, but doing esteemable acts has been boosting my own self esteem.

I didn’t get to share tonight at the meeting. I wasn’t too happy about that because I really wanted to share and I was really uncomfortable but forcing my hand up hoping to get called on, but simultaneously hoping not to get called on. This is what I wanted to share: The best way of making me run away from you is to praise me, compliment me, say kind things to me, and to tell me that I have hope and the ability to be a successful person! I have been minimizing, discounting, or just outright deflecting kind things people say to me.

For example, today, an e-mail was sent by the Director asking my fellow colleagues to congratulate me on my promotion to the position of Prevention Department Coordinator. She commented that I worked really hard in the past year and will not take more of a lead in responsibilities! Cool beans!!! My peers did come up and congratulate me. I didn’t quite know how to react. I did not want to come off grandiose and conceited, but what really came out instead I believe is a reaction that made people think that I am not grateful for the promotion that I was given. I am very honored, privileged and happy for the promotion. I guess I can give myself permission to be a little or a lot ecstatic and excited for the promotion.

I am also discounting the fact that I actually ascertained the certification to do HIV Counseling. Am I perfect? Not by a long shot, but I got to master the surgical art of Mohs histotechnique by bustin’ my butt working and practicing and making mistakes and learning how to process a “difficult” piece of tissue to be perfectly read on a microscope slide. This took me over 1-2 years. I was confident at year 3. So, in just having gained my certificate and gaining these responsibilities that are not even a month old yet, here I have the expectation of perfection.

Ok, I acknowledge that is where I go; this is what I have been doing most of my life. Now, give myself a break and relearn to just be patient and realize as I progress, apply myself, make mistakes, I will get better and better and feel more and more confident with time. It’s like watching a new movie; in order for me not to miss the really good parts not having watched this movie before, I have to sit through the whole thing and pay attention through the boring and not so great parts. My life is like this movie... I don’t get to find out the amazing experience of the whole thing until I take the chance by going through the experience!

Anyway, I am clean and sober one more day! I was willing to go to my meeting; I was willing to go and exercise; I did my commitment; I made my 4 phone calls; my room is 90% maintained! That is terrific! I was promoted today to Department Coordinator. I ate healthy. I took my meds; I am going to brush, shower, and do some studying of 5th step in Jay’s binder, a little more reading of page 30 and 77 in big book to see what those pages are about and turn in for the evening. I give thanks for another day to really live life! I really lived it up!!! I get to do it again tomorrow… How am I going to enjoy it? Am I going to live it up as if it were the last day I have to live? Am I going to honor God’s gift of having fun in life or am I going to slap it away by being a sour puss? I have that choice!!!

Thankfully,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:27 PM              E-mail me!