ACTION IS THE SOLUTION!!!!
Journal entry: Thursday, February 3, 2005The face of God is my face… The face of God is everyone else…
I want my Father to get better, to be happy, to find peace, to have love, to be forgiven, to be cared for… I want to be one of the people to offer that… I feel I can do that; I understand he is an untreated addict. What would I want for him as I would want ANY individual that comes into the rooms of recovery? I am that person that walks into the rooms. Dad would be a person that walks into the rooms. Why treat them differently?
Do I want me to get better? Why or why not? If I don’t want me to get better, I want God to know that I am a unique person with a flaw… That I was the messed up cookie in the batch… etc… This is the addict speaking, not Higher Power. There is but one all knowing and all powerful Higher Power: God… The addict mires in comparison to God, but depending on who I am letting my life be run by will decide on the path that my life leads…
My purpose… I am given messages shining light on my purpose. I want to interpret for the deaf… for Spanish speakers… I want to become the next Carrie Bradshaw from Sex in the City… Journalizing and getting paid for doing something I really love to do… What am I doing to realize this goal, dream and aspiration… Today, am I setting my goal or am I realizing my goal… Today, am I in thought or am I in action… Action yields consequences and results, prodigious results!
I have been given direction by my sponsor to go to a meeting everyday, to use my gym membership, to start living the “BLESSED” life that sobriety has given to me. I am currently living life in fear and seeing it as constant work to stay clean and sober and the stepwork I do being chores… I am not receiving these gifts of life joyfully and seeing it as a wonderful opportunity to live and do not some of the things, but ALL the things that I want to do. I get to realize my dreams…
I was reminded by my sponsor for the nth time that trying is not good enough for an addict like myself. Doing is what will effect change. I was also reminded by my sponsor that I am not unique and that it is my addict sharing that I am terminally unique and one of the hopeless variety that won’t get better. He reminded me that I didn’t even have money to buy a big book. He shared with me the clothes I buy, the place I am staying at, the new pair of glasses I am wearing, etc… are the things I have ascertained as a result of doing and progressively improving and getting better.
I am not hopeless… My addict mind wants me to feel hopeless, wants me to be apathetic and do nothing to get better. As my Sponsor shared, my addict head is trying to kill me, it always has. So get out of practice and habit of listening to the familiar voice that has been trying to kill me for 29 years and start listening to the song of God and compel myself to realize those suggestions that will lead to a life that is HAPPY JOYOUS AND FREE.
My affirmations and I need your help and encouragement as I “will” act and realize these goals:
1) Finish the 4th step so I may continue on and finish all 12 and be available to give away what I have in order to continue my sobriety, serenity and sanity.
2) Use my gym membership and keep in mind my relationship with*:
a. My body image (do I see my body as a beautiful, perfect just the way it is RIGHT NOW… this is God’s creation)
b. My relationship with food (am I trippin’ over my calorie intake and guilting and shaming myself for eating or not eating foods that are nourishing for my body, soul and mind?)
c. My relationship with exercise and repeat the mantra that I am exercising to live and not living to exercise. Am I exercising as a means to an end? Yes, this is not a long term solution. Am I exercising to look better? Yes, this is not a long term solution. What am I exercising for? To continue having a healthy body that is able to help other people and do activities that I want to do in everyday living!!!
*There is the idea of balance that comes into play with A, B, and C. I realize that there is a delicate balance with all three. If one is off sync, then my embodiment as a whole is affected. I also must be mindful of patience in the process, realize it is progress not instant perfection, and practice via action and not thought that will yield “tangible” results!!!
My disease wants me dead, but it will settle for bringing me misery, chaos, and insanity. What am I willing to do to show my addict that I am serious about staying clean and sober and more importantly, at this stage of my recovery, what am I doing outside of the program in living a life that sobriety has granted me? Take trips to Griffith Park, Universal Studios, dancing, dinner out with friends, Catalina, and anywhere else! I can start dating!!!
I will listen to the people around me and not to my own voice… You share that I am a loving, friendly, caring, considerate, and worthy and deserving of acknowledgement, love, friends, and nurturing. You want for me to do well and succeed and find happiness, serenity and peace. My Sponsor says to listen to you folks over that of my addict self that wants to kill me… It makes sense, but my actions show that I am POWERLESS OVER MY ADDICTION, AND THAT MY LIFE IS UNMANAGEABLE WITHOUT A POWER GREATER THAN MYSELF TO RESTORE ME TO SANITY. Am I going to turn it over or not???
Best regards,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 9:26 AM E-mail me!
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