Quoc's Web Journal

ARGUE FOR MY LIMITATIONS... POOF THEY'RE MINE

Answer to question why I had painful experiences…

Move into today and right now… I wouldn’t be where I am right now without the experiences that I went through… Don’t question, but trust that there is a reason why I went through what I went through… If I didn’t experience pain, I wouldn’t have anything to compare happy experiences with. Does that help in answering the question… If my Higher Power commanded me to be happy for the rest of my life would I be willing to honor that?

Quote that I like: “Argue for your limitations, and sure enough, they’re yours!!!” – Illusions, The Adventures of a Reluctant Messiah, by Richard Bach

Today…

I spent the evening reading more of Illusions… Yeah, I am getting a lot out of it… It’s all dependent on how much I am going to apply it to MY life. I served as secretary for the first meeting last night at the Friday Round Robin recovery meeting in Hollywood. Things didn’t go perfect, but it went. I needn’t worry about it! I shared about working the 12 steps of the program, not the 12 stand stills! I shared about sharing with my sponsor that I was feeling miserable… He asked if I was more miserable than I felt when I came into the program 20 months ago. I shared about my difficulty with my roommate. My sponsor asked what my part was in contributing to the challenging situation: people pleasing. I shared about obsessing over the TV and feeling guilty about it and my not wanting to do that; he shared that I was doing exactly what I want because I want to feel miserable and my actions show that I want to feel miserable. He reminded me to restate step one in my morning prayer: I admit that I am powerless over my addiction and addictive behaviors (watching TV, sex…), and my life is UNMANAGEABLE. I shared that “it (the situations that are challenging to me)” are causing me to feel the way that I feel… My sponsor says there is no “it.” “I” am the one that is causing these problems and feelings. It’s also very simple; all this can stop if I just choose to stop feeling this way. Or if I am in a challenging situation, for me to take CONTRARY action and do something about it!!!

Other highlights:

Friday morning around 4 AM, I received a phone call from someone I’ve known for over a year; he was drunk and in pain and couldn’t put down his drink. He totally brought me back to where I was when I first came in crying uncontrollably… Feeling completely miserable and not knowing what to do with the “dire” situation. It’s simple, but sometimes as I saw in “J” that we just don’t see the obvious thing to do: put down the drink, go to a meeting, and share, and be of service, and read the big book and not pick up that first drink once it’s been put down. Hm… That really allowed me to move into gratitude about where I am.

During the meeting, a newcomer with 11 days, another “J” asked me if I was available to be a sponsor. I answered yes… He asked if I had a car and already had expectations of me. I didn’t respond by telling him that all I am responsible for doing is to guide him through the 12 steps and be his spiritual guide. I am not a chauffeur, nor a bank, nor a counselor, nor a friend. I can, but that is not my primary purpose. Also, in hearing him share, he shared he has been spoiled and has been served many things with a silver spoon. What do I know now? First to ask the sponsee to call me everyday for a week. Second to be able to answer yes to the following request: be willing to go to any lengths to stay clean and sober (i.e. – acknowledging step one and really throw away any reservations). I felt a twinge that I wasn’t good enough and had to prove that I was by sharing that I was working on a car. I don’t have to. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. He did bring out a sensitive subject because I have been feeling frustrated about not having a car. It’s going to take me at least 1 year of saving up to come close to acquiring a car. Sigh… Patience; trust; and keep doing the work!!!

Today… I took myself out to have Vietnamese food… I went to get a haircut; my barber asked what kind of look I want with my hair, a fellow colleague commented that a good looking person like me would look fine with any hair-do. Wow! She paid me a high compliment for fun and for free. That felt good. I don’t see the beauty on the outside or inside on a consistent basis. Others do! That felt good. I get to work on loving myself; feeling sexy when I look in the mirror… I know what I need to do, now do I want it enough to do something about it?

Ok… there is my blurb for the week… I really want access to a cpu so I may journalize when I am at home and can write in peace; save; and transfer it to the net when I come to work… In due time…. Thanks for your prayers all… Just for today, I am feeling much better!!!

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 6:41 PM              E-mail me!