Quoc's Web Journal

RETREAT

I am currently at the Men's Wellness Center. I just spent a whole day at the AHF Prevention & Testing Department 2004 Retreat event. I gained a whole lot of information. I only hope to play a role that is much more than just a spectator that I am for this retreat. There are great things that are going to happen with Prevention and Testing! We have indeed arrived as a department, but moreso, I believe this is only the tip of the iceberg! Anyway, what did I get out of today's event? I had an opportunity to view the vision and mission of the Prevention & Testing Department from a layperson's point of view. This is invaluable as a lot of times, we are sooo caught up in the activities of our jobs and the projects that we forget to look at the program and department in its most simple form.

What kinds of thoughts formed? Well... What is the role that Prevention & Testing Department plays? Well.... PREVENTION and TESTING. The question of whether we are fulfilling the duties and responsibilties that we named ourselves... Ok, we are offering testing, but to what extent are we offering prevention? Also, how does one offer prevention. Via advocacy! Via outreach and education! So, that message I heard real loud.

Also, there is the message of who are target population is... We call it the high risk population: those not practicing safer sex on a consistent basis; those IV drug users; and apparently those in other countries who sell blood! Wow! Again, I was able to think about our mission and what our duties and jobs should accommodate for.... the HIGH RISK population. Are we reaching that population? Those people that are at higher risk of becoming infected with an STD or HIV do not have the mentality that safer sex as a priority or consider the repurcussions of the consequences that may occur as a result of having risky behaviors. That is why it behooves us as a department to go out and reach those people who are not reaching out for help and are not proactive about educating oneself about safer sex etc ...

Ok... this is what happens when one spends a full day being motivated by the President of the organization, the Chief of Operations as well as the Director and supporting members of the organization and department. It's good stuff...

Besides this what all is happening in my life? I am feeling really badly about a forwarded e-mail that was sent to me... It was one of those chain mail hoaxes that I am deathly resistant to and strongly am offended by when sent to me... I got it and had a moment where I was "naive" enough to fall for it and forward the message to all the people that were in my e-mail address book. For those who received this e-mail, I do extend my deepest apologies! I really feel badly about one in particular: Keith!!! No!!!! I have been reading his website for sooo very long and have sent him e-mails with no reply. I kinda have this deep admiration for him and yes I am attracted to him eventhough I haven't met him in person! I am sooo infatuated with how articulate he is, how spiritual he is, how physically attractive he is.... Anyway, of all the e-mails that I get replied to he replied to this one where I sent him this crap e-mail. He replied with "I hate crap like this." OUCH!!! The one time I get acknowledged by him is totally negative! Sigh... He must have blocked my e-mail; gosh darn it I would block me... C'est la vie!

Anyway, talk about having quality problems. About a year and a half ago, I was paranoid over people crawling up walls like spiderman trying to kill me. I was 3-4 months behind on my car payment and had pretty much lost my car. I did not have money to buy gas. I did not have money for food. I was deep in credit card debt. I was homeless. I was 105 lbs. I was malnurished and dehydrated. I was mentally unstable and spiritually dead. No one had any desire to have me around; not my family, friends or other people. I was crazy!

This was my truth. Now I am thankful to really be in touch with the TRUTH of who I am. I am far from recovered. I have a lot to work on with regards to my self-esteem. My therapy session showed how much I still have to work on with my desire to feel physical intimacy and all the other perks that come along with it. Apparently, there are many barriers that come along with that... My fear of being rejected because I am HIV positive. The feelings that I have failed my mother and the tenet of keeping good health. My not being all together with my life by what my surroundings are. All this led to the conclusion with the help of my therapist this is why I am feeling conflicted with being intimate with anyone... I haven't been intimate with another person for awhile now... I really miss that... I really feel badly about that.... I have desires to have intimacy, but there is the feelings that I don't deserve the intimacy that I desire... Yeah.. I am all over the place!

At least I am progressing... Life is getting better...

Ok... I have to refocus on work... Thank you all for being patient, supportive of me and keeping me in your thoughts and prayers.

Love,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 6:30 PM              E-mail me!