RAIN, WIND, THUNDER...
No, I am not reading from an X-Men script for Storm! :-) It's really pouring out there... I mean sheets of rain. Money can't buy the secure feeling from being in an enclosed vehicle: dry, warm, protected from the merciless elements manifested by Mother Earth. Alas, I don't have such a luxury yet, but I am grateful! I have an extra large umbrella! Granted, I could've been blown away, but I wasn't. I am still wet from the waist down due to the winds blowing the rain into the exposed parts. A water proof trench coat would be nice...So, besides that, how have I been? Challenged!!! I really have the burning desire to secure the computer that is in storage at my friend's down in Torrance. I feel the need to blog!!! I am writing in my journal every evening, but for some reason, I have the need to post these blogs. I am going through a turbulent time in my life. I am trying not to be a "drama-mama" about it. I have been withdrawn, down on the situations surrounding me. I suppose, this would be one medium, I am still a bit more willing to express myself in rather than in the presence of another person... I am doing it... I don't want to, but I am because I know it means doing things that will put me in a position to continue along my path or recovery or RELAPSE!!
So, I have a couple minutes to share what is going on...
1) I am on the verge of making attempts to reconnect with Dad, tell him I love him, forgive him and be of service to him and be there for him. I need to do this while Dad is still around. I had dinner with a friend in the program on Sunday night... He asked me a question. Do I love my Dad? I was surprised and not surprised when I answered, yes I love my Dad. He suggested I read page 99 in the 12x12 and recite the prayer in there. I have been doing that each evening. I didn't take time to do it this morning. I do have it in mind.
2) I am conflicted with Mom's situation. She is blind in one eye and losing her sight in the other eye. Since Dad has been hospitalized, she has no source of income. She is scared, but managing to implement solutions. It's not perfect, but she is doing it. I feel guilty for not being more available for her.
3) Leads into my personal feelings that I am a failure. I am only making a limited amount of money. I am barely surviving on my own... I would like to help with finances with Mom, but I can't. An old timer this past Saturday made an obvious point - I can't do what my Mother would like for me to do, and that is the TRUTH! Why am I trying to twist the TRUTH of where I am? This is the the reality of this given moment; work with what I have. Trust and have faith in my Higher Power. Feel whatever I am feeling, but not for too long... Move into solution.
4) Sucks not to have money!!! Money certainly is not flowing like it used to, but neither am I a surgical technician any longer. I am also not holding down 2-3 jobs. I am doing well in this given moment... Again, things are happening not in the order that I am hoping for; or I am not prioritizing in a manner that would allow for things to happen in Spirit's way, not my way...
Ok... time is up... I am glad I shared. I am thankful that I have progressed in my recovery in learning how to live sober. In writing this entry, I see that I did move into solution and not wallow in the problem. Perfect? Far from it, but progressing? Absolutely! I am one step closer to perfection than I was a day ago, or a week ago!
Conclusion, because I have stayed clean and sober from any mind-altering substances, I get to learn from these mistakes and grow!
Gotta jam... Keep me in your prayers and thoughts folks!!!
Best regards for Happy Holidays and a safe and Merry New Year!!!
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 8:41 AM E-mail me!
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