Quoc's Web Journal

SUNNY OUTSIDE... STORMY INSIDE

Journal entry: Monday, January 17, 2005 (MLK Holiday) 2 PM

74 degrees, sunny, blue sky, and beautiful on the outside, but on the inside, stormy, dark, rainy, cold, and chaotic… Who put me there? ME! The me that is highly tolerable to pain and is self-loathing… I am still labeling and verbally berating myself because I feel it’s getting sympathy and attention from others… It works, but not as powerful as if I were to be self loving, self supportive and uplifting myself!!! It’s kinda like the Monsters Inc. movie where screams create power, but laughter creates 10 times more power than screams!!! There is a solution!!! There is a transition… I am getting better…. It will be a turbulent ride as I continue on this road… So, I am on a slump, just for today; at least from what I perceive. From examining the evidence, I am doing extremely well and meeting goals everyday. My head tends to discount and overlook those accomplishments and focus on the stuff I haven’t completed; consequently leading to my feeling like an unproductive leech to society!!!

I am at work right now, because I feel like I am first taking on more work than is in my job description what I can handle!!! I am falling behind and feeling frustrated about that!!! I am not doing self loving fun activities for me, but riding the coat tails of others… I continue to stay willing and use the tools by calling people in my support group; going to meetings, and to the best of my ability, turning my will and my life over to the care of my Higher Power (Spirit of the Universe, that which sheds light on the TRUTH of who and what I am).

So, what is frustrating me? This cough that won’t let up and lingering on forever (my health). My room being a mess. My not having a livingroom or dining room to call my own and enjoy without feeling like I am a guest in someone elses home. Not having touched my 4th step for a couple weeks now. My bathroom not being cleaned for over 3 weeks now. Draining my time on watching tv… It’s taking away from my mental, visual, and physical energy reserve; it’s drawing me away from attending to those accomplishing those things that will bring me serenity. I broke out in a sweat last night fretting over what hasn’t been done and all the things that need to be done and how little time I have to complete them…

I was certainly not staying in the moment or moving into solution and as I use the analogy of keeping my eyes where my feet are, on the yellow brick path… I am on the path, but my eyes wander out in the forest and I impose fear and feelings of confusion and being lost and all the dark things that are out there… TRUTH tells me that I am on the path and I am doing well despite how I am feeling, so long as my feet stay grounded on the path… Service via commitments and calling other people and helping another person in recovery. Unity via fellowshipping and going to meetings and reaching out my hand and partaking in the program. Recovery via actively working the steps, reading the big book, 12 and 12, or any spiritual literature, meditating, praying, and turning my will and my life over.

I left my apartment annoyed at my nosey and inconsiderate roomy today. He insinuated that I was keeping him in the dark about my physical health. He asked where I was going today and would make a comment that alludes that I shouldn’t be where I am going. First, it’s none of his business!!! Number two, it’s none of his business!!! Of course I didn’t say anything about it. I am all pissed off at him and serenity all mucked up and he doesn’t even know any of this is going on! Talk about renting free emotional space to another person! Sheesh!!! He didn’t make me feel this way. I did. By not sharing with him how I feel, I am carrying the full burden of this misery. In the words of my sponsor, I am being selfish and manipulative. I am being selfish by not sharing my feelings because I am afraid that he may not react in a favorable manner; therefore, by not sharing I am being manipulative in getting a reaction that I want.

So, my solution was to go to work. I called my sponsor and a few people while I was at the bus stop. Then I saw a car parked 50 feet west of me. There were 3 people waving at me. I heard one of them ask if I wanted to go to the Tropical. I waved them away and shook my head. First I felt like a fool responding to them because they could be talking to someone behind me. There was no one. Then I was thinking man these people are crazy for asking me to go to a place that sounds like a bar! The car pulled up alongside me and they greeted me by my name! Haha… Talk about God doing for me what I need to be doing and not what I want to be doing… They were people I had just met a week ago at a meeting. They wanted to invite me to a recovery meeting they were headed to. I hopped in and went to a meeting!!! I got to listen to the reading of a pamphlet sharing about staying clean and sober on the “outside.” That is where I visualized the first few lines of the journal. It’s beautiful out and crazy on the inside.

I also got to evaluate my excuse of staying indoors on account of the bad weather in the past 2 weeks. The weather has been nothing but beautiful mild and warm and I have still been locking myself in my bedroom watching tv and sleeping and doing nothing but worry about what hasn’t been done and what needs to be done and how I don’t have enough time to do anything. I then feel sorry for myself and go to sleep or watch another movie to distract myself and the cycle repeats itself!!! Sheesh!!! I am thankful to be out of the apartment and out of myself!!!

I better get to work. I am genuinely behind in work. I will repeat the mantra of staying in my moment and keeping my eyes on where my feet are. Exactly where they need to be, on the yellow brick road of recovery. I give thanks for that!!! I will forgive myself for my shortcomings and be patient with my progress, love myself for my continued accomplishments and support myself to move forward. I am a loving, caring and exuberant person deserving love, support, and the best that life has to offer.

Thanks for reading all the craziness from above…

Regards,

Quoc

PS - I have 20 months clean and sober this Wednesday!!! That is 1 year and 8 months!!! Cool!!! One day at a time!!!

posted by Quoc @ 2:30 PM              E-mail me!