Quoc's Web Journal

SOBRIETY IN LIFE... NOT LIVING IN SOBRIETY

Journal entry: Sun., 4/10/05 9:52PM

How am I feeling? And why? Short term solution… Long term solution…

The only way I can really interpret it is like having a balloon placed where my chest is and it’s filled up with "fear air!" My chest feels tight; my stomach is churning… I am very scared, anxious, sad, lonely, apart from, dull...

Feelings and Causes of feelings? Why I feel the way I do…

- Lonely, apart from, dull - Eric and his friend talking about good ol’ times and him having a friend to do that with. In these two years, I do not believe I have anyone besides the most recent object of my affection with whom I spent time with just bumming around.

- ST/LT solution – to continue building friendships and appreciate the ones I have right now. Want what I have right now vs. wanting what other people have or feeling crappy about what I don’t have. I get to do first things first right now and that is to work the 12 steps; that is to continue building the foundation of my life. That is to a little at a time to build on the friendship that I have! That is to reach out to people and ask if they want to go out to coffee or dinner or just hang out and leave the results to God!!! Pray for the right thing to do…

- Horny – As much as I am thankful for not having relapsed a couple days ago. I do want to have some form of intimacy with someone. I thought about how attracted I am to another sober fellow. I thought about how attracted I am to the speaker at tonight’s meeting. I am in need of another fix… Just jacking off is not cutting it… I have been doing it 2-3 times daily in the past week or two. Also, I just want someone I can just hang with…

- ST/LT solution – read page 69 and really reach out and be of service. Throw this sexual energy into step work and my recovery. As my sponsor said, I am in the discovery part of my recovery! I am barely finding out who I am. How am I to present a self I don’t even know to people out there. I am fearful, insecure and doubtful of my truths because I haven’t identified them yet or I know them but my perception of my traits are negative and not positive. Also, try posting ads on-line to date… See what may come of that... Try different dating venues that are around. If I want this badly enough, then I will be willing to go to lengths to find the places for quality guys to date besides just on-line and in chatrooms. Pray on this as well… Pray and trust that God is taking care of me right now!!! I will look back on this a year later probably in a relationship and thinking what ever on earth was I afraid of? Pray, trust and do the next thing in front of me. Share, share share…

- Anxious, scared – this is stemming from not doing the fourth step or the reactions that I have from picking up the pen and doing the fourth step. First, how I seem to just drag my feet and not want to do the fourth step. I am afraid that nothing will change after doing the fourth step. I am afraid that I will get better and have not other excuses as my sponsor said with taking responsibility for my actions. I am held accountable. That is scary. I am afraid from the shares of the ladies today at my sponsor’s home step/traditions study… They were sharing sooo many defects of character and challenges in life and just not dealing with it. I am doing great thusfar and making great time. It takes what it takes and I have been very involved with my sobriety. So, I get to start my day over again right now if I want to and move forward from this point forth! What do I want to do? Wallow in victimization and self pity or take action and move towards solution?

- To do and act as if… To move through the fear and trust those that have come before me and also look at all the good that has come of me as a testament of what is to come in the future as I continue doing the work. Again, as I share about doing all 12 steps before judging it; that I what I will commit to! I am growing and doing great… Life doesn’t stop showing up, but it certainly becomes manageable. Yes, if I realize that my inners are mindf*cking with me, then shift the focus to the outside as I am by doing the gratitude list and writing a list of accomplishments that I am proud of in the past day(s). Feel the feelings, but don’t wallow in them and catch myself by taking action in moving towards solution! Pray for strength to swiftly complete step 4… Do my part and make that a priority!

- Dull – I notice that I did not have fun with the sobriety I was given! I didn’t go to the movies… I didn’t call people and invite them to go out with me to the grove for breakfast… I haven’t gone to one of those sober retreats. I didn’t have fun! It’s been rest and staying at home and doing great things with my room; but I didn’t go out and just have fun and dance and go to movies or do what I find to be just fun!!!

- Well, this one is simple. Make it a priority as if it were a priority to go to meetings and to attend my job interviews or to help someone else… Schedule in fun for me as HIGH OF A PRIORITY AS GOING TO MEETINGS!! I came into sobriety so I can live life and not a dull one where I am trapped in my room miserable. I came here to have fun and to enjoy friendship, experiences and just life!!! There is soo much to do! DANCE… MOVIE… PICNIC AT THE PARK… BASKETBALL SHOOTING (DO IT FOR ME)… RETREATS.. LA SHANTI EVENTS… OTHER GAY RELATED EVENTS. So, is this important enough to where I will make and exert effort in finding fun for me???

- Frustrated – I don’t have a car and can’t go places that I want to go or drag people to places… This actually is not really a good enough excuse.

- The reality is I am doing fine and I am getting around to places and I am getting rides and my schedule wouldn’t be that much more different than if I had a car. This would give me a great excuse to continue to touch bases with people. Trust that others will do what they need to take care of themselves and be proud of the fact that I already do have a plan in place to address this matter and I am working towards getting a car. It’s not in my time; but God’s time.

Final notes…
I see there are 3 main sides to sobriety, then there is the 4th side that makes this 2 dimensional sobriety into a 3D pyramid of life… It’s called what am I doing outside of recovery? Am I living the life that recovery has granted me?

posted by Quoc @ 8:33 AM              E-mail me!