Quoc's Web Journal

F.E.A.R. = False Emotions Appearing Real

Journal entry (enter feelings and behavior; spare the self-labeling)
Monday, March 7, 2005 2:16PM

Feeling frustrated, angry, abandoned, empty, worthless,

What happened: I called to say hello to a friend and get his information. I want to get him flowers, etc… I have these feelings for him because he said some really nice things to me and really rubbed my ego and told me I had a nice body and I am cute… Now, I am all possessive and feeling territorial and not happy about sharing him. Thank God he doesn't know what goes on in my head!!! First and foremost, I do NOT own him. I also need to be mindful of what I need to do to be of maximum service to him. Also, I can forgive myself for these feelings and honor my feelings. Feelings are good!!! I am exactly where I am supposed to be with my emotional maturity; it will get better as time progresses. Just check the truth and what is really going on… Love? Certainly not at this stage… Infatuation? Perhaps, and also I need to check whether I am infatuated with the idea of feeling adored, desired, appreciated and loved or is it with the individual. Also, I need to look at the individual of my affection; where is he in his emotional maturity? Remember what my sponsor said, one moment this newcomer is feeling good and grateful, the next he feels like using, the next he is depressed and wants to die… Am I really attracted to this person or am I attracted to the disease? Certain aspects of course. What is the best course of action given all variables?

So, all this is new. I don’t know how to develop healthy intimate friendships with people. There are a lot of warped misconceptions of where I am. I am glad I am writing about this. I do feel better about my feelings and know that I am just having some very insane thoughts spurred by very impulsive feelings. So, pray for an answer, share my feelings with my sponsor, ask what I may do to be of maximum service to myself and the opposing party. Stay in the moment…

Things for me to remember: I forgive me… I am patient with my progress and not kicking self for not being perfect… I am proud of my progress and my continued willingness not to react when something exciting happens, but to sit still and quiet my mind enough so I may listen to the whispers of the truth… I love myself and continue to affirm and turn my will and my life to my merciful, tolerant, patient, compassionate, and loving Higher Power.

Thankfully,
Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 2:38 PM              E-mail me!