Quoc's Web Journal

DISEASE WILL SERIOUSLY TAKE ME IF I DON'T TAKE THE DISEASE SERIOUSLY!

April 18, 2005 Monday 9:36PM

I just called my sponsor and spoke to him. I shared a little bit with him… About someone I just met calling and asking me to be his sponsor (work with him). What I did. I shared about my fear of not listening to him like I did with my sponsor this past Sunday. I have a justification behind that; it’s because my sponsor was sharing something really nice about me and coincidentally, the therapist and I just got done establishing that I am very comfortable with DEFLECTING and DISCOUNTING really nice things that are said about me. My sponsor questioned whether I like insanity and chaos in my life. Instead of sounding really grateful for a really peaceful day, I sounded glum yet again. It is as if I am having an interaction with Mr. Fouquette, my old Algebra/Geometry teacher. He was pleased when I shared that I was doing lousy! I got attention and recognition out of it. I felt unique from all the other kids.

Anyway, what else happened today? I got up after not sleeping a lot the night before. I had slept a lot of Saturday and Sunday… I woke up well rested, but kind of not motivated about life and the fact that I GET TO wake up and live and experience another glorious day! I put myself together and walked to meet my fellow carpooling matee! Got to work and had breakfast with the temp. She’s sweet. Then on to work… There is a lot of work. I allowed myself to be distracted by one thing after another! There are a lot of priorities that need to be attended to. I was not assertive enough as my boss requested of me to set boundaries! I worked and took my lunch… I listened to my boss share about her aspirations… it was interesting to hear how even a normie and successful boss may be distracted by the need to be “intellectually” stimulated. I can appreciate and respect that; I can totally relate!

Worked for the rest of the day. I was not very confident in sharing at the Manager’s meeting about creating programmatic sharefolders. So, next time I prepare a little more and deliver a message that sounds convincing. I can be convincing if I believe that I know what I REALLY DO KNOW! I got a ride from another co-worker. I am thankful for the ride because that gave me an extra half hour to treat self to a nice thai dinner. I enjoyed my meal in peace and went to the CA Mon. night meeting.

What a terrific meeting! I didn’t need to share. I wanted to share about my sponsor catching me not listening. How he shared something really nice about me and I totally ignored it consciously (couldn’t accept the fact that I am successful or capable of taking care of self and managing life) or just was wanting to share what I wanted to share and didn’t want to listen to what my sponsor had to share. He stopped me and checked me on that. I am thankful for the individual who called me at 4:25PM to ask me to sponsor him! Wow! What an honor. I gave him an assignment and left it at that. I feel it would be such an honor to be someone’s sponsor! I am just another link in the chain! Me reaching out for my sponsor and now, reaching out in the other direction to the sponsee hoping he’ll reach back and hang on and stay willing!

What did I hear from the speaker tonight? He shared two really great lines… One was for me to take the disease seriously or the disease will seriously take me! Also, to share that a sponsor’s job is not to be my friend; his primary purpose is to share with me the truth of who I am through his observations of me and his personal experiences. If I am acting like an asshole; then it’s my sponsor’s job to tell me that I am being an asshole! The solution to my sponsor not calling me an asshole is to stop being an asshole! It’s simple! Hmmm…

Anyway, I found that amusing! I got a lot out of the speaker’s share. He has 22 years clean and sober. I didn’t agree with everything he said, but my job is to find the similarities, not the differences. I gain if I find tools that have worked for the speaker that I may apply to my own life. Not pick at the things that don’t work for me that still worked for the other individual.

I am sooo grateful for this home group of mine… I love them and they really show their love and affection for me; thus my willingness to travel on bus from Dodger stadium over to La Cienega Park in Beverly Hills! That’s a lot of miles! I got to see my old sponsor for the first time in at least 2 months! Boy do I miss seeing him! He looks terrific!

It’s been a great day… I continue praying to God to give me strength and willingness in honoring my truth and what I love and self pleasing vs. people pleasing and be self-loving by self-forgiving when I make mistakes! I get to gr”OW” each time I make a mistake! Thank you God for affording me this opportunity!

Thankfully,

Quoc

PS - Things I am proud of myself about: the willingness to even share at the Manager's meeting; the willingness to welcome newcomers and listen to my fellow sober buds at the meeting; for being very sweet and sharing my day and being honest; for working hard at my job; for being a friend and colleague with my boss; for asking for help and accepting it when offered; for staying clean and sober one day at a time for 1 year and 11 months today; for treating myself to a nice dinner; for giving generously to the meeting and the members that are saving my life; for really loving me for who I am and doing what I really want and like irregardless of what another person thinks! To seek inner approval rather than outer!

posted by Quoc @ 9:56 PM              E-mail me!