Quoc's Web Journal

CHECKING IN... MOM IS NO LONGER IN PAIN...

Hey folks… I have been experiencing extreme spirituality, gratitude, serenity, acceptance, love…. But simultaneously the extreme opposite of what was mentioned in the past week and half.

I will keep this brief. I am sure I will be more grounded in my mind and my life will get back into more of a routine as time progresses…

Thursday, June 23, 2005… I get to be a part of Judy’s graduation ceremony. I am sooo proud of her. I go to recovery meeting at Van Ness Recovery House.

Friday, June 24, 2005… I get to show up at UCLA Medical Center where all 5 of us convene in the same room…. Dad, Mom, Chin, Judy and myself. Judy dons her graduation gown and takes a picture with Mom. All 5 of us pose for pictures being taken by the social worker and the Doctor. The Doctor shares Mom’s prognosis… that there is nothing more that can be done for Mom and now is the time to make Mom comfortable in the weeks that she has left to live. Judy and Dad hear this for the first time. Mom gets transferred to the hospice care in West Covina… I drive out there as well… It’s a long 2 hour haul out there in traffic!!! I stay for about 30 minutes to feed Mom soup… By 6:46PM, I have to depart to pick up a Van Ness resident to a recovery meeting. Elections are held and I pass the secretary torch onto the next individual. I drive 3 people home after meeting. I pack and prepare for tomorrow’s flight to San Francisco to assist with the Pride festival... Sleep…

Saturday, June 25, 2005… My friend David picks me up… We go to breakfast and he takes me to Burbank airport for my 11AM flight out to Oakland. During breakfast, I all of a sudden become very aware of the passing of time and how swift and kinetic it is…. I am very conscious of the presence of time. I rendezvous with AHF crew and we fly out to Oakland… Arrive to chilly and hazy Oakland and await taxi to San Francisco. I call sponsor and a few friends just to check in. I enjoy the rest of the day with the crew of AHF. Saturday evening is crazy with social gatherings…. I notice that one does not enjoy the environment as much without being a part of the majority of the folk on the street who are either high or drunk. My friend/co-worker and I stroll and get back home. I meet up with a couple of guys and dance til 2-3AM at a local asian bar… It was a blast!!! I felt sooo attractive and had sooo much fun!

Sunday, June 26, 2005… Wake by 7:30AM to breakfast and to assist with setting up for the Pride March… It’s a lot of work. I work diligently and have a lot of fun while I am at it! Pictures are taken… the experience was amazing! Apparently over a million people were there. Just before we marched, I receive phone calls from Lilian (cousin) about 10:50AM trying to find Mom’s hospice to visit her. I give them directions to the hospice. By 11:30AM, I receive another phone call from Lilian telling me that Mom is bleeding out of the nose and the blood looks black… Mom is having a hard time breathing. She encourages me to visit Mom. I share that I am in San Francisco… I immediately call Chin at home and on cell to ask her to check on Mom. I worry… Something bad is about to happen… At 1:30PM after the parade while I am assisting with taking down the banners etc from the march, I receive a phone call from Chin… Chin shares that by the time she arrived, Mom had no pulse.. She passed away at 12:51PM… The nurses said peacefully and as if she went to sleep… I fall apart upon hearing the news. My recovery friends are there to support as are the normie co-workers… They spring into action and arrange for a flight home for me; to transport me back to the hotel ASAP. I call oodles of people to share of my loss… I am sobbing uncontrollably…. I am in shock… I am angry… I am sad… I feel guilty…. I feel ashamed.. more anger… more extreme waves of sadness hits me… It was all sooo very sudden…

I get to hotel to pack… I talk to Chin some more… She tells me that I do not need to go home immediately… Everything is being taken care of…. I really don’t want to go home… I want to wake up and realize this is all but a bad dream… I don’t want to go home and face this… I finally get to talk to sponsor who tells me to 1) stay sober 2) find somewhere quiet to just be with self 3) be gentle with myself 4) focus on task at hand… I walk to pool and sit and journalize…. I cry and sob into my knees…. It’s sooo beautiful…. The whole city of San Francisco right in front of me… the sun is out… Mom had just died hours ago and I am hundreds of miles away... I go back to hotel and sleep…. I wake up to walk to Burger King and eat… Then I go to a recovery meeting in San Francisco… I cried... People cried with me…. I am receiving phone calls from people who received my desperate cries for help… I will not have checked them until I get home Monday afternoon… My cell phone is not charged and dying... I go to Castro to honor self and desires and goals I made when coming to pride. Suffice it to say, I had some fun...

Monday, June 27, 2005… I wake to have breakfast with coworkers and get ready to be picked up by limousine back to Oakland airport… That was fun… Ride back… I really do not want to go home and face the music… So many feelings… Back on plane and on the ground by 3:40PM. My Friend David picks me up and takes me home… It’s nice to see him again… I get home… I immediately drop my bags and head out the door in my car to visit with my sis to see what needs to be done… We meet at a Funeral Home… Plans are being made…

Ok… I am going to have to finish the timeline at a later time.. I am very sleepy right now… Suffice it to say, there is plenty of drama that happens throughout the week…. What I am mindful of is sobriety is my primary purpose. I went to a meeting every day after Monday flight back home…. I am still on my everyday meeting since… I have thrown myself into the program even harder… I am being of service, I am sharing, I am crying, I am calling people… floods of people call in support of me… It’s been an amazing journey… I will share more when I get a chance to sit at peace….

I will take time out to write a special thank you to all those who have supported my family in this time of loss and Mom’s transition…. I am free from worrying as to whether Mom is in pain… I get to speak to her every night when I pray. I am sooo proud of Mom… I love Mom sooo much. Because I stayed sober, I got to show up and hear Mom share her gratitude, her fears, her finally saying that she has no regrets and share her last requests for me to honor in her passing…

Good night for now….

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:51 PM              E-mail me!