Quoc's Web Journal

ONE MORE "LAM" REUNION…

So, what an amazing week this has been. I have been through the whole emotional rollercoaster with hearing the words of the Doctors sharing that they have done everything they can for my Mom and that now is the time to make her comfortable. Mom is nearing the end of her life on this plane of existence.

Yesterday, Thursday, June 23, 2005, I was there with other family members to witness a very very proud moment. My baby sister Judy graduating from high school. I am sooo proud of her. She was one of the few (less than 10) to receive the highest honors for academic excellence of having a gpa between 4.0-4.49! That is an A++++. She was recognized as #4 rank in a class of over 200 students! She was acknowledged by both the Valedictorian and the Salutatorian for being a great friend, confidante, source of strength, and just great young woman! This is my sister! Congratulations Ms. Class of 2005!!!

Today, in a few hours, the 5 members of my immediate family (Dad, Mom, Chin, Judy, and myself) will be in the same room together for the last time. My sister Chin arranged for an ambulance to pick Dad up so he may say hello and good-bye to Mom. My sister shared that he has a right as Mom’s husband, partner, and soulmate to see Mom one last time. Both Judy and my Father will find out the prognosis of my Mom’s condition for the first time this morning. Judy was not told because we didn’t want this news to ruin my baby sister’s graduation and celebration at Grad Night. All of us will be there to hear the news one more time… That the chemotherapy was ineffective; that there is nothing more they can do to treat Mom’s condition and now is the time to make Mom as comfortable as possible for what little time she has left. I don’t know how Judy and Dad is going to take it. I don’t know how anyone is going to take it in the room to hear that again… I guess I will find out this morning…

These are the blessings that I get to experience by the grace of my loving Higher Power and by practicing the principles of the recovery program one day at a time. One demand I make of myself is not to pick up the drug or drink just for today. The other suggestions to so I may be in the spotlight for receiving “the promises” is to be of service to other people; to continue going to as many recovery meetings as I can and most important to continue building that foundation of my recovery by working the 12 steps!!!

I have been going to meetings and sharing whenever I can and need to. I have cried up at the podium and shared that I can’t do this alone and that I need help. I asked for help and the universe conspired and is doing everything within it’s omnipotent power to help me… Loving, nurturing, sympathetic, empathetic people have reached out in support of me and my family. By sharing, I am helping another person see that one does not have to use or drink or run from seemingly painful experiences. I heard that faith and fear cannot live in the same house. If I am in fear, then I do not have faith that whatever is going on in this given moment is meant to be and that the road has already been paved; I have the privilege of walking down this path and experience it in my own way. I heard that the only truth about the past is that it is not “here” and in the present if I don’t drag it into the present. If “I” don’t drag it into the present! It was suggested I don’t future trip about the current dilemma and to do what is in front of me and to really relish what I have RIGHT NOW! I was also told that whatever I am feeling, I get to honor that and express it to its fullest: cry, sob, and just get as emotional as I need to. I know now that I may start my day over at any time. If I am having a miserable day, I can choose to start it over at 7:14PM right then and there! Who says the day has to start over in the morning? I also get to hear one very important piece that I continue striving towards: to see myself the way that the person I hold to be most important to me sees me. In these past days, my Mother sees me as a loving son, a good man, a good son, a compassionate man, a generous soul, and a sensitive human being. These are Truths of myself that my disease strives to derail on a constant basis…

Anyway, I have to get ready for the visit with the family, go to work, pick up a newcomer from a recovery house and take him to a recovery meeting; we will elect a new secretary (I have been for the past 5-6 months) and rest for the evening… I wake up tomorrow to grab my bag and be taken to the airport where I will be in San Francisco to partake in some of the Pride festivities and march in the Pride parade… Without sobriety and without continuing to diligently work hard for the dreams that I have, I wouldn’t have any of it… I would not be present physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

I give props to my God today… Thank you God… Just for today, please quiet my mind long enough for me to hear the whispers of your voice in my heart. Just for today, please help me stay clean and sober. Just for today, what can I do to be of service to others? Just for today, allow me to feel the feelings and honor them without shame or guilt. Just for today, please bless my Mom with serenity and freedom from pain and discomfort. Thank you for the Grand life that I have today…

Gratefully,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 9:30 AM              E-mail me!