Quoc's Web Journal

DATE SOMEONE IN THE PROGRAM?

Journal entry: Sunday, September 18, 2005
10:53PM

Read something on the sticker on a car bumper and got inspired to see the following:
KNOW RECOVERY, NO PEACE
NO RECOVERY; NO PEACE

“Why don’t I date someone in the program?” That is the question of the day and the response I got from the guy I have recently been dating. I was driving home was taking a moment to call him to let him know I was thinking about him and missed him and wanted to see him. I didn’t get a chance to say any of the stuff because that was the initial reaction.

Now I may totally take this any number of ways… I think I can relate to all of it as a matter of fact.

First, I felt as if I made a mistake taking time out of my schedule to call him and say hello. It was the one moment I had to myself and I took it to share with him over the phone and I got no appreciation from that. This is of course not true; I could choose to be a victim here. Thankfully, I didn’t stay in this space for long.

Then I felt flattered from his response… I guess what he is telling me is that he wants to see me some more, but doesn’t really have the opportunity because it feels as if I am dating someone else and that someone else’s name is the “Recovery Program.” He feels that he can’t compete with that…

I didn’t quite know how to respond. What I could have said was that I “heard what he was saying”. That if he feels neglected and ignored by me; that certainly is not my intention and if this is how he feels from my lack of attention to him, then I am very sorry… I would reiterate what I did share with him; that he needs to do what is in his best interest; if he feels he is not getting what he needs from this arrangement, then I am totally supportive of whatever decision he makes. I also would reiterate the fact that recovery must be the most important thing for me. He communicated that with me, but also communicated his frustration and feeling like he is competing for attention with my time spent doing recovery work. That is it…

I wonder if my date knows that he really is the first person I have gone out on an official date with since coming into the program… This is all new to me. I did not intend to date someone who is not in the program. I also have no opposition to dating someone who is in the program.

Anyway, the conversation just got awkward and ended. I didn’t get to share these sentiments with him… C’est la vie! I will pray tonight and ask for continued guidance in living one day at a time and really relishing the blessings that I am given each day.

I don’t have to explain myself to my normie roommate or my date or anyone else for that matter what is important to me. What am I defending? There is nothing to defend. Recovery is the most important thing to me. That is a good enough answer. I don’t have to convince them why I am doing what I am doing. My people pleasing side compels me to do so, but I have been able to resist that and just honor what is important to me without having to explain why I do what I do. Only I need understand that because I am the one who must live with the consequences of my actions. Still, I am still learning to deliver the message to others with more finesse. Perhaps I will realize that I don’t even need finesse to the message across. Just share my Truth. Those who love and support me will not need an explanation. Those that do not support me will find my efforts to answer their questions and confirmation of their suspicions.

Yesterday, I went and purchased an LCD flat panel monitor for myself. I treated myself to something really nice from my hard earned money. It is a challenge each day to move into gratitude for the blessings that I get, because I am adjusting to a much lower income then I am accustomed to. I have always worked more than one paying job and really had a high income. Since coming into recovery, I still have multiple jobs, 2 non-paying and 1 paying: my job of staying sober one day at a time; my job of taking care of my health with my HIV status; and of course my paying job working as the Department Coordinator and one of many talented HIV Testing Counselors with the Prevention & Testing Department. This is a full plate!

Today’s highlight is I got to spend time with my baby sister. We hung out in the afternoon taking care of some last minute things in preparation for her going to college. She will be off and running this upcoming weekend. I am glad I got to spend some time with her. I bought her a new cell phone for a belated birthday, graduation gift. We purchased a couple more last minute practical items to take with her to college. We had a huge steak dinner at a very nice restaurant; then we went to see “Tea at Five” at the Pasadena Playhouse starring Kate Mulgrew (Captain Kathryn Janeway from Star Trek Voyager). It was a very enjoyable experience spending time with my sister. I got to see my Father and wipe his face a couple times coming into the house and prior to leaving the house.



I came home about 30 minutes ago, very satisfied from a very long but fruitful day… I got to stay sober one more day. I called a bunch of people in the program to say hello. I called my sponsor. I got to be a loving, fun and supportive brother and son. I had some money to share for treats for myself and for my sister. I arrived safely to all destinations. I have my health and life saving meds. I got to be considerate and loving and supportive of myself and others. I chose to move into solution and work on being non-judgemental, compassionate, loving, tolerant, patient and merciful with myself and with others. I got to live in the image of my Higher Power. These are the huge gifts of my life today.

It has been another blessed day! I give thanks for that!

Thankfully,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 11:29 PM              E-mail me!