GROWING ACHES?
So, my inners are aching... It's nothing that is tangible that is aching like my muscles, skins, organs, etc... There is a part of me that is aching and yearning to shift into a new space, a bigger space, a different level of seeing things. Perhaps, it's resulting from this "change" that is taking place from identifying my character defects and working to counteract them with acting in opposite of that defect of character...So, what is it do I want? Maybe it would behoove me to define this further and have an action plan put into place... I feel like I am stuck right at the fork of a road; I should just pick a road and start walking down it... Rather than just standing there bum-fuzzled and scared... I am scared in a way of the unknown... I will pray tonight for God to help take away my doubts of whether I will be taken care of or not. As it is said, God brought me to it, so God'll bring me through it. God didn't bring me this far down the road just to drop me.
I heard a great share in my recovery meeting last night... The speaker shared of her definition of Higher Power. She envisions speaking to herself, but 20 years from now. I really love that example... This helps me, because I love to compare myself with other people. In seeking guidance from other people and hearing a solution, I beat up on myself for not thinking of the simple solution in the first place. This example allows me to pray to a wiser and older self, 20 years from now... What would the wiser, sober and hopefully more mature Quoc say to me? What would he suggest I do?
Tonight, I will try writing a letter to my older self and then write a response letter from my older self to me and see what comes out of that. I will share my frustrations of being at a company I love and am proud to be a member of, but am living paycheck to paycheck. I am going on vacation and don't even have the money to take a trip anywhere. That really sucks. I am a valued and appreciated member of the Department I work in. I adore the people I work with. My boss totally rocks and has a wealth of wisdom and experience that I hope to continue to learn. In the midst, I am struggling financially, unable to help anyone but myself... I realistically don't even have the means of taking someone out on a "nice" date. I have been praying to God in taking my financial insecurities away as well as my fear of financial instability.
Along the same lines of my job, I feel that all my talents are not being used to it's maximum potential. I really want an opportunity to interface with people and not the copy machine, the computer, the fax machine or any other mindless automaton. I feel really stuck; really appreciated and valued, but stuck. I don't quite know how else to describe it. I find great appreciation when I do testing and counseling. I am of direct service and can feel the immediate effects of a good job done. I realize that my current position is very important as well. I am effecting change in a more indirect fashion. I am assisting with keeping the maintenance of the infrastructure. I am good at it, but I am drowning in the paperwork that I am working with... Some days I do literally am drowning in paperwork.
I am begining to see that I am great with people and building rapports with people and breaking down defensive people. I believe there is a very creative part of me that is dying to be discovered and polished up... It has been suggested that I try auditioning for parts as a voice-over. I personally want to interpret for the deaf or teach elementary school or be some sort of a motivational counselor. I love journalizing and can see myself doing that... I have a love for interfacing with people and listening to their stories and doing what I can in guiding them towards find their own Truth. Would I make a good psychologist? All these aspirations require higher education.
This is just a mini blurb of why I feel stuck... I am making effort to stay in the now, to stay in gratitude, but at the same time, I am also giving that part of me that wants more to voice itself. So, I continue doing the work and stay in action. Check my motives, act honorably and stay out of the results... Trust that I will be taken care of. I have been given a huge gift just from coming into recovery, a second chance at life, at re-building relationships, self-love, and appreciating the things I have in this given moment.
I must remember that this is but the beginning of change for me... At 2 years, 3 months and 3 weeks sobriety, I am but a baby learning to walk...
I appreciate your comments and response on your experience or how you can relate to the above... In sharing, you'll help me not feel so alone... you may have a solution that I never thought of trying...
I INVITE YOU TO POST A COMMENT!
Warm regards,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 8:00 AM E-mail me!
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