Quoc's Web Journal

DO YOU SEE ME? DO YOU HEAR ME?

The past couple of weeks, I have been praying for an answer regarding finding truth of the mixed feelings I've been having about feeling at dis-ease with where I live and also with where I work... The past couple days, I have been getting more "clarity" with where I am and what I need to do. I had a talk with my boss about why and where I am... I was frank with her about where I am. It's amazing how I don't have to worry about remembering what I said and having to recall it and keep it consistent with the story I tell in the future... Solution? I have been telling the TRUTH! Perfect? Far from! Better? Yes! Progress? Yes!

So, what came out of the past few days? Insight on the importance of feeling recognition, acknowledgement, and existence; to feel wanted, needed and having a sense of purpose in another person’s (group of people, organization) life. The chat I had with my boss brought out the following questions: where am I? Where would I like to be? What do I need to do to ascertain what I would like.

Also, remembering to honor myself and my needs. Multitudes of people have pointed out how people tend to take advantage of my generosity. Those very people that point this out sometimes are guilty of taking advantage of my people pleasing side. What I get to do is look at my part and what I need to do. Other’s who take advantage of my generosity are looking out for themselves and thinking for themselves. My people-pleasing supports their efforts and enables them to continue this behavior because I give them permission to overstep boundaries and use me as a doormat. I am speaking on extreme terms, but there lies the potential for any situation that I act in a manner that is dishonest by doing what they want and not honoring my needs and desires and end up being a “doormat.” I am learning to say yes to myself and speak up and act up to get my needs addressed and filled. I am proud to have progress in this area.

Anyway, just having that conversation with my boss allowed me to feel heard. It was also shared with me that I am a valued member of the Department and I am “needed.” Today, the agency held a leadership forum for anyone interested in participating. I am very shocked and surprised how gatherings like these are not mandatory. The great thing is the people who choose to attend are attending because they want to! What I got out of the pow-wow among the few people with members of senior management is recognition and acknowledgement. This forum was educational in teaching me the difference between management and leadership. What was discussed allow knowledge and experience I already have be brought into the spotlight to be looked at. I saw the importance of having a balance of management skills and leadership skills. As they shared, management is asking “how can this be done?” where as leadership asks “why this should be done.” I envision a hybrid human of Borg Management skills crossed with Cheerleader/Activist leadership abilities! Very interesting!

I digressed, what I really got out of the chat was a sense of being heard first and foremost, a few moments to express my personal views on challenges I have as a member of this organization. In watching Sr. Management take notes, I feel they are not just hearing me, but listening to what I am saying showing me their interest in the people that work sooo very diligently in this very very amazing organization with a great cause, to treat those living with HIV, care for those dying of AIDS, prevent those from picking up the disease and ultimately push to find a cure one day in the future! I am just trying to find a place in life where my skills and abilities are being used to it's fullest. I also want to be somewhere where I am appreciated for the work that I do! The one I trust and listen to and watch for guideposts is my Higher Power. I trust that I will be placed where I am of maximum service and find maximum gratification and compensation for what I do. I am proud of myself for being willing to just speak up and share… The only way to get better is by practicing. I have to start somewhere!

I am proud to work here, it’s just difficult sometimes to focus all my energy and talents that is within me to the mission of the organization if I am worried about paying this months rent, having enough money for food, getting to enjoy a little trip for vacation, and keeping my car maintained and having enough gas in my car so it can get from one destination to another. Anyway, after yesterday and today, I am feel a lot more empowered and motivated to continue staying with the organization. The stage is set, the voices of the people are speaking and now we wait for the powers that be who seem to take interest and are listening to what we are saying to respond. Only God knows what will follow... I hope for the best that "leadership" will effect change...

Either way, I am sooo proud and honored to work with the people within the Department that I am in. We boldly step forward with enthusiasm to do work in advocating and educating people about HIV and how to care for themselves by protecting against infection and if one is positive protecting their partners from getting infected and themselves from getting reinfected. Each and every member of the Department exhibits this kind of passion... My co-workers sometimes are the very cement and glue that keep me where I am. They share their appreciation for me... Just hearing those words warm my heart so. I will remember to honor those I work with when they do great work!

Any views and comments made above are only my opinion and does not represent that of my colleagues and that of the agency... The great thing is, I feel ok with sharing my opinions and views. This is after all Quoclam.com... Not quoclaminconsiderationofotherpeoplesfeelingsandviews.com. So, my motives are pure and yes I am willing to accept the consequences of my actions... I get to make amends if I make a mistake.... I get to learn from any mistakes I make... Today, I feel like taking a stand and stirring things up a little and share exactly how I feel!

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 7:33 PM              E-mail me!