Quoc's Web Journal

HEART IS ACHING AGAIN :-(

Man!!! Just when I am least expecting it... WHAM!!! This wave of emotions wells up and erupts from within... It almost feels as if it came from the outside hitting me from all sides with gale force. I broke into tears and hold my hand to my heart as I feel the physical ache of grief, sadness and loss...

So, what happened: My sister held a garage sale this past weekend... She is clearing out the garage and making room for a live-in nurse to assist with care of Dad. I arrived Saturday afternoon to see if there is anything I could do to assist. I am glad I arrived after most of everything was sold. Earlier in the week, I had an opportunity to sift through my stuff, but I did not act on it. Therefore, I don't even know what personal belongings were put out and sold. I managed to salvage a box of practical and sentimental items that were not sold. I can only imagine what I would end up with had I come earlier. I saw all kinds of memories splayed in the front yard for sale; again, this is after most of everything that apparently was practical was sold... It upset to see old shirts that I wore from ensemble or candle votives that I bought for myself on the ground to be sold for coins. Years and decades of memories being sold off for 25 cents or $1.00.

So, between seeing the stuff laid out to be sold, the garden cleared out by a weed whacker, and a nonchalant sister, I felt like there wasn't anyone to commiserate and share feelings with... Eventhough I am a guest in this home, I still feel a connection to this home that I spent 25 years growing up in... We're taking another step in leaving this house behind... My head is projecting sometime in the future that I will be driving by and seeing another family living in that home... It's a part of my past that I am losing... I am afraid that without those things to trigger memories that I will forget... Perhaps, it's ok to forget, that leaves room for more memories to make in the present and future to come. I can say that, but I don't want to own that because I miss Mom... I AM IN TEARS JUST TYPING ABOUT IT... I really miss Mom... I miss what it was like when I was younger...

I am upset and angry.... I am feeling guilt from using my sister as the target of my mental lashing out... I don't mean it, but that is what is coming out. I knew better and steered away from home and keeping from communicating with her. It's not about her... It's about me feeling pain and thinking that she doesn't care because she is able to just let all this stuff go sooo easily... So it seems. I spoke to my therapist who suggested that perhaps this is my sis' way of dealing with Mom's death.

What else is going on? I am feeling fear from possibly getting a job that does pay more but doesn't feel as rewarding as the current job that I absolutely love and adore but am not making enough to even buy food for self on a monthly basis. I love HIV testing and counseling. I want to continue in the fight against HIV. I respect HIV, but I hate HIV. I will fight HIV to my last breath! But, there are times when one is unable to focus on the task and passion at hand because one's personal living situation is precarious and unstable. This must come first and get addressed.

I continue to forge ahead... I will pray to God to continue helping me through this process... I will work on completing more of my 6th step. I have side stepped that matter. I have been really lazy this weekend. It doesn't feel good... Instead of starting the day over from this moment forth, I am wasting more time by beating myself up for being a lazy oaf. My head then continues beating me up for being weak and emotional an unable to pull through this grieving process like my sis is...

These past days have not been good ones... I must remember this too shall pass... I don't have to do it alone... Share and ask for help and stay in the stepwork and reinforce my sobriety and conscious contact with my HP. Then let the rest fall where they may...

Melancholy,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 5:46 PM              E-mail me!