Quoc's Web Journal

I GOT THE F*CK ITS TODAY :-(

The time is now 1:14AM. I came directly home from work in tears... I called my sponsor and a couple other people. I didn't really get an answer on how to resolve the issue. Upon getting home, I ate something, then crawled into bed and slept for the past 6 hours. It was scary how a sensitive alcoholic like myself when triggered can all of a sudden think of going out and picking up the drink or the drug to punish the person "inflicting" this emotional pain on me. God, talk about character defects just erupting from me from these chain of events. I am thankful I get to work on them and also am at least willing to ask for help when I feel like going out and using drugs as a solution to my frustrations and pain.

So, what happened? Someone I called did help by pointing out the beginning of the resentment... Resentment being the number one offender with an alcoholic such as myself. My sister had called me a couple days ago to inform me that we have reached the monthly cap of minutes used on the cell phone and to hold off using the phone until 10/21. I know she has been going over on her share of minutes; she did it to me last month which pissed me off. I have been sooo conscientious about using this phone in the past month. It was reflected in the minutes used for the past month. I already have formed a couple other grievances with my sis' not informing me when my bicycle was stolen by a nurse and not really pursuing that (I was being presumptuous and inconsiderate). I also was upset with her because I wrote a letter apologizing for my inconsiderate response to her just as abrasive e-mail regarding going over minutes used last month(that I was writing with the condition and expectation of a response.... I realize that my motive was not pure).

So, I called Cingular to get the actual minutes being used by each party. Sure enough, more than 60% of the minutes were used by her, 30% by me, and the 10% by the baby sis. I prayed on this the night before and prayed on it upon writing a correspondence that is just direct but not blaming or hurtful. I may have transferred the non-verbalized negative feelings into the message upon sending it. I think I did good with the correspondence. I stated the problem. I stated why I was concerned. What is my sister's motive of calling me to inform me that we're out of minutes and follow up in an e-mail sugggesting that she didn't tell me to stop making phone calls. Stated the importance of why I make phone calls, to keep my sobriety and to be of service especially when I am not the perpetrator of being a minutes hog. There was no blaming involved. Lastly, I made a few proposals as to how to resolve the matter. I believe it was an appropriate e-mail.

I received a reply that was pretty much the exact opposite of what I wrote. From my perspective, it was hurtful; it was blaming. She picked out all the grievances she held and unloaded them onto me in one fat e-mail. She directed her frustrations and used me as the target. After reading it, I was enraged that she pulled the victim card out to justify the use of the minutes... How SHE chosen to take on the new role in the home as if to say I do not have an important role. The part that really hurt was how I chose to take those feelings she shared and wear it on me. I took those interpretted labels and slapped them on me: not compassionate, inconsiderate, not sympathetic, petty, bad son, bad brother, selfish, blaming, greedy, and in essence, damaged goods that has made no progress in the area of contributing to the family.

Talk about how the disease rears its head and uses my stepwork to self-sabotage me. It fears progress and my facing everything and recovering.... So, I just composed a reply to my sister... I will write about what I learned from what all transpired today and then paste my response to my sister for your reading pleasure:

1) What I say does not mean that is what the other party hears; if they choose to react negatively because I pressed buttons in their lives, that is none of my business! I need only worry about keeping my side of the street clean

2) I don't have to hold a grudge and be angry and resentful eventhough the other party may; for me to hold feelings like these feeds my disease and causes me to lose my sanity... Do I want to be comfortable or do I want to be right?

3) I do not have permission to be "ugly" and react when mud gets slinged at me; I get to treat that person like a crazy newcomer by not taking what they are doing or saying personal and furthermore, extend love, compassion, tolerance and mercy to them.

4) I don't have to accept the names and labels that others place on me. Opinions are like assholes, everyone's got one. All they are sharing are opinions. Listen and evaluate whether it merits truth; if it does not, let it slide. It is probably their baggage that they are trying to unload on me.

5) When I am upset at someone or something, it probably means there is something within me that I can identify with and relate to. I get to look at it and either grow or go. F*ck everything and run or face everything and recover. I do not have permission to play the victim. I get to look at why I am upset and work on myself and what I can do to make amends or address whatever that unresolved issue is.

6) I am reminded to be dependent on God for spiritual strength and solution. I get to be self-sufficient; giving myself validation, love, and holding firm on those character assets that I have. I am a loving, compassionate being, deserving of love and compassion. I don't have to be crippled because I did not make everyone happy. I am not responsible for their happiness.

7) I am not in charge of the results. I am responsible for carrying the message, not the newcomer or anyone else for that matter. I am responsible for just doing the work and leaving the results alone. I had a painful experience today, but from it I grew from it. I processed it.... I did not go out and use... I paused and reached out for help from my support group... I shared and listened... I did not react to the person I feel inflicted this pain upon me. Instead, I got to look at my own part and saw the TRUTH, and then responded accordingly and with a clear head. That in itself is a miracle. I am not responsible for making others comfortable and ok with me. I am in charge of making me comfortable, but find balance with sharing the TRUTH about whatever the issue may be.

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My correspondence to my sis.....

Please read my e-mail again Sis. There is no complaint. I am only pointing out how this is the 2nd time this month that you have called me to inform me that minutes are being used up. What is your motive in informing me of that? Please answer honestly.

I know I am choosing to feel hurt by your statements made. They are very hurtful. My head decided to take those to heart. I had my first thoughts of using drugs yesterday as a result. I had some major f*ck-its feeling like someone who is not contributing to the family. Someone who is taking away from the family. Someone who is not being understanding of his sibling doing a damn good job of handling herself with the burden she has chosen to take on. Someone who is being stingy about line iteming a bill and splitting it. I wanted to show you how much you hurt me by going out and using. That really scared me. Just sharing with you how scary being a sensitive alcoholic can be.

Yes, I am annoyed that I have to limit my phone calls because we are out of minutes. I know I can choose to just use the minutes eventhough they have gone over, but will I? You know I won't and that may cost the sobriety and life of someone who may really need that phone call to save his/her life or my making a call to save my own life. You don't have to understand this and I have no expectations of your understanding this; but using the phone is one of the tools that literally keeps my sanity and in turn saves me from staying in my head too long which tells me to go out and use or do something self destructive....

Complaining and blaming? No... I am sorry you took it that way. I am just stating the problem. That minutes are being used up before the end of each month. That you are the one calling to inform everyone when minutes are used up (I do check minutes all the time without your needing to remind me). Thank you for expressing your feelings about not being happy about paying for those services that you don't use. Please do not be angry that I used some of my hard earned money to buy baby sis a gift. All you needed to do was share with me you did not want to pay. I didn't know you felt that way.

It is my own fault for taking your e-mail to heart. That is my people pleasing, guilt ridden side that really took on those things you shared.... Those really hurtful blaming remarks.... I know those were not my intentions, but I certainly feel bad now that those fingers are being pointed at me as perpetrator. I almost went out yesterday over this... THAT REALLY SCARED ME!!!

So, I do not want to have negative exchanges like these anymore. I do not want to have a strained relationship with my sister. I don't want my sister to think that I am not trying my hardest to help the family out; right now, for me, the best thing I can do for the family is take care of my sobriety. I don't want my Sis to see me as less than supportive, sympathetic, compassionate, and loving. I am hoping my sister is proud of me of being willing to share honestly about feelings and trying really hard to share in a manner that carries the message of love and service. Clearly there are needs that you have that you are forming grievances about me over. I am not strong enough not to take things personally especially from those people's opinions about me that mean the world to me, one of them being you. I don't want to do this blame game... I hope you didn't get blaming from this last e-mail I wrote you... I've read it over and over... I really thought about it before writing it...

Sorry about all this digression... I should stick to the point...

Problem stated: phone plan is not accommodating for the demand
Solution options:
1) cancel your cell from phone plan; I will work out details with baby sis
2) keep current plan and split bill evenly (you're really good at breaking it down to the penny per person, so if we choose this, I will let you do it)
3) keep all 3 phones and upgrade to the next phone plan

I need to run this by my sponsor on what I decide. Your input is important to me. Again, really hear why I am upset when you are using lots of minutes, then call to tell me that we're out of minutes just "for my information" without expectations that I won't use more minutes. Then getting a response from my just trying to work out a solution with your dumping your baggage in my lap and then really feeling like I am being blamed for causing some of that pain. I don't mind your sharing feelings, but I am asking you now how hurt I feel to hear you share about what I am interpretting as my being tedious, unfair, unloving, blaming, insensitive, non-compassionate, non-sympathetic, and just a bad brother.

written in the spirit of love and service,

Bro


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PLEASE SHARE YOUR EXPERIENCE AND SOLUTIONS, ANY OBSERVATIONS YOU'VE MADE, OR CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM YOU HAVE TO OFFER... E-MAIL ME... I really need to be in touch with you folks... I feel really out of touch...

Glad to be sober and face life's challenges... I must remember no matter what... remember not to Forget Everything's All Right (positive FEAR).

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 1:14 AM              E-mail me!