Quoc's Web Journal

GREEN, INSECURE, NOT GOOD ENOUGH...

Green, insecure, and not good enough are among some of the feelings that I feel! Now, this is after a terrific day where I spoke to a co-worker who is sooo empowering, motivating and supportive of me. She suggested that I don't need to project my "modesty" and humility. I do agree that I do tend to minimize the importance of the role I play at work, my family, friends and dating life... I don't really think I have a problem with a conceited ego... Instead, my head puts me down and sets a higher standard for myself than anyone else around me. In doing that, I exhibit arrogance...

I got promoted at work yesterday! I was reminded of how I felt when I first came into the position that I have been diligently growing into for the past 1.5 year! I have grown and have pulled it off resiliently! I will go through the same and grow, and learn, and contribute and in the end, it will make me a better man, and much more marketable! Talk about having quality problems! Applying for a job that I felt confident in doing, getting offered the position and then freaking out that I was offered the job for fear that I am going to mess up and get fired! My head went to my doing a poor job and they are promoting me to a position that I totally cannot handle... in essence giving me just enough rope to hang myself. This is probably not the case. As a matter of fact, I am an invaluable employee and team member of the department and agency and have contributed greatly to the growth and success of the department. I have fulfilled my role as Administrative Assistant, then Department Coordinator well!!! I have been growing everyday developing my skills as an HIV Counselor. I would really love to take more training classes and meet to see what tools are successfully implemented by other counselors in their testing sessions...

Lastly, I am volunteering for this group sponsored by the Los Angeles Gay & Lesbian Center. It is called HOT!!! It is a new men's group whose mission is to create and redefine the definition of what it means to be gay and how men meet up and develop those other types of intimacy beyond just the totally overated physical intimacy. Things such as emotional, spiritual, and intellectual intimacy... Creating different venues and activities for guys to experience outside of just the everyday mundane bar and club scenes... Tonight, we percolated such ideas such as miniature golfing, bowling, paintball, square dancing, and creative ways to meet and communicate besides the S&M that guys do at bars... By S&M I mean "Standing & Modeling."

I felt sooo green (meaning inexperienced and new to life) listening to this core group meeting tonight. A couple of the guys were staff who were innovative and ambitious and driven. The one other volunteer had some really great and creative ideas and really put it all on the table... I for one reason or other, ended up staying reserved. My legs were crossed... My arms were crossed. The group seemed too small and cozy... I felt exposed... I felt as if all my character defects were blatantly hanging out like hemorrhoids. Yeah, I know that is not a very pretty visual... All three of the men were affluential and knew people and belonged to groups and organizations... I was sooo focused my not having exactly what they had and that I didn't have great ideas and walking into the meeting defeated to the idea that I might have insight and creative ideas to contribute to this group and it's cause that I totally shut down...

One Staff Member spent a few minutes chatting with me and shared his story of how he used to be shy and kept all his ideas down on paper and couldn't find the intestinal fortitude to verbalize and place the ideas out there... He commended me on my having a web-log and that I am honest enough and courageous enough to lay all this out here for the world-wide web to see... He really was complimentary... I really needed to hear that...

I do have a lot to offer... I am creative... I am part of a great organization, a great HIV testing counselor, department coordinator, very committed member of recovery and of service and dating and just perfect the way I am... I forget to remember when I criticize myself and others, I am telling God that I am not exactly where I am supposed to be and that there is a mistake and that I am a mistake and that I should be somewhere better and should be more successful or more active, or know more people... Where as, I am doing fantastic just where I am in fulfilling my potential as a Man named Quoc!

I must be gentle with myself as well as I probably am feeling the awkward sensation of grief from finding out about the death of a friend just a couple days ago. Remember, each person processes grief differently. I am feeling depressed, languid, and just almost needy... My solution of course is to isolate and then fantasize and beat self up for not living the life that is being conjured up in my head and comparing what my head is manifesting to the reality of what and where I am.

So, I get to rest... I get to keep it simple... For the remainder of the evening, I will spend some of it doing 15-20 minutes of stepwork, shower and brush my teeth, write a card for a co-workers birthday tomorrow, write a card for my counselor's birthday from my recovery house, pray, read a few pages out of the big book and then turn in for the evening...

I stayed sober today! That is a miracle... I got to be of service. I got to put in an honest days work for an honest days pay... I showed up for my commitments, I made a few phone calls to my support group, I am willing to continue to stay in action... I am willing to take contrary action and not beat up on myself for enjoying a couple shows on TV and relax and see the therapeutic value of inertia... Creating that potential energy by resting so that I am rejuvenated and change that into kinetic energy come tomorrow...

I wanted to spend the evening with my date... I want to be there to snuggle with him so I may feel warm and safe and enveloped in his embrace... I get to feel that but realize that I can give that to myself as well... That I should be seeking to be self sufficient and depending on God to give me an answer on what I should be doing, and how I should be acting... How sexy would it be for me to see someone cling to me because he is needy and feels that he needs me to complete him. Or would I be more attracted to someone who is self assured and just comes over to spend the evening with me as company and complements himself as a whole individual.

God sees me as whole and his will is for me to see that within myself on a daily basis... I get to move and progress in that direction... I am going through change again... I am feeling extremes and trying to find the middle road between these extreme events happening in my life... Extreme success of being promoted at a job and staying sober and having more responsibilities as well as the opportunity to do some good directly with clients. Extreme sadness from the sudden loss of a friend who was doing really well and just died... I mean died... I am sooo bumfuzzled...

Not for me to understand... I ask God to continue to help me through this... I ask for Thine will and mine be one...

Quoc

PS - HEY... BLOG READER... WHO ARE YOU... GIMME AN E-MAIL SO I MAY STAY IN TOUCH WITH YOU AND COMMUNICATE WITH YOU....

posted by Quoc @ 11:21 PM              E-mail me!