MET A REAL GEM!!!
Wow... I just got off the phone with a guy I spoke to for over 40 minutes... Did I project a lot of ambivalence? Yeah... I don't even know how to talk on the phone with a guy that I really dig... We did talk for 40 minutes though... Do I know him a little more? Yes... Does he know me a little more... Yeah... Is he going to run for the hills because he knows I am HIV positive, someone in recovery and also very very new to dating? I have no idea... I really don't have to worry about that... I just spent the best 40+ minutes today talking to someone that I really like and I feel good talking to... What a gift that is! Stay in the moment and share gratitude for the living moments of my life...So, I am really scared... I don't know what to do! Just be myself? Well, I am still getting to know me more and more... I have been developing this relationship with myself for a few years now... Now that I get to socialize and share my experiences with others, I feel like a total virgin again!!! I need to just ask for help from those who have experience... I have to remember that relationships should be fun and enjoyable... If it isn't, then it's not worth keeping around! That is not to say that there aren't bumps along the road... Anyway, I am just gonna really enjoy myself... I am hopeful... That is all I can be...
I have been dropped by the last guy that I thought was going well after a couple dates and a snuggle night with him... Obviously it didn't work out because he hasn't called me for over a week... He just totally flaked... Again, a little part of me is disheartened by the flakey games that people play...
I walk into this relationship with shakey legs because of my insecurities that he will drop me at any moment for concerns of being with someone who is HIV positive... I am carrying his fears with me... I don't have to! I know what can and can't be done to get HIV positive... So, accept and love self and carry self in that fashion and let those that are drawn to all of me and enjoy those moments... It's easier said than done... I haven't really felt this good with meeting someone since my ex Joe... I will just enjoy this and be available for me and be present for the moments that I get to spend with this new guy...
Have I shared with you he's charming, witty, great sense of humor, wise, and incredibly sexy?!!! He is!!! So, stay in the moment... Ask for what I want... Take it as slow as I need to... Be available for me first, then for him... Appreciate the moments that I am blessed with spending with him... And just live life...
Now, I must get back to my 6th step and continue to identify my character defects and work on living the opposite of each defect... I know not to have any expectations, but I really hope things work out with this guy and me... Just for today, it has... The relationship has developed way beyond my own expectations! He is still open to seeing me... Thank you God for allowing me to see what he sees in me and smile about it and not doubt the tomorrow or question the past...
I must continue to practice being rigorously honest but also to remember the perfection of my progress... Speaking of that... last note... I made my first bobble as a Program Manager at my job... I won't go into the details of what happened, but here are the first lessons I learn as a result of this whole new experience of management that I am blessed with... In dealing with Staff:
1) When there is a problem, address the Staff in person; e-mailing or other indirect contact is inappropriate
2) To be careful not to tell a person how they should behave or identify what I feel is right or wrong... Just address the issue at hand when it arises and share about my concerns. Stick to the facts... It's condescending, creates a rift between me and the team member I am working with and just causes for all around bad karma.
3) To go into a new relationship with a clean slate... To dispose of anything that I know of that person prior to my relationship with this individual in my new position... To do so would be unfair...
What I did was done with the best of intentions, but the results turned out terrifically terrible! Some of the worst things have been born from acts with the best of intentions... One of the really experienced members of the organization gave me a great piece of advice that mistakes are expected and that is how we grow and learn... from these mistakes... She asked me if anyone died from my mistake. I said no... She concluded that all will be fine then because amends may be made... It's sooo simple and really assuaged my feelings of the terrible thing I did... It was not terrible at all... Just another learning experience.
Today I give thanks for the opportunity to connect with an amazing man and also let myself be a little more vulnerable with another man and find that he didn't run away from me... There may be hope for me after all... God must be smiling today for the victory in my siding with his will today.
Regards,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 9:19 PM E-mail me!
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