POST THANKSGIVING DEBRIEFING
Gotta be brief... It's late... I am tired... There is still much to do... Wanted to check in with you lovely people! Here is a brief debrief:Had a really depressing Thanksgiving... I slept 1/2 of it away... I spent the rest of the afternoon at a couple recovery houses then at the West Hollywood Recovery Center... and concluded the evening with my regular meeting at the recovery house. That makes 10 hours spent with my adopted fellowship family. No natal family celebration... It was most difficult celebrating my first Thanksgiving without any of my natal family members...
I have been acting out sexually... It has not been healthy... I have been placing self and others at risk... I am glad I caught that and got back to basics of praying twice a day; throwing self harder into helping another recovering member; doing stepwork; going to meetings; really staying active while at my meetings; and saying yes to any recovery related request so as to quiet the imperious urge to answer that call of desire for insatiable sex to just numb out... I think I am ok again...
This weekend, my visit with the therapist yielded the conclusion that I am afraid of people getting close to me because you'd abandon me... I am learning to redefine and rediscover who I am without my Mother there and honoring my feelings and intuitive feelings and thoughts and experiences... I doubt my ability to be of service rather that anything I conjure up in my head will be damaging... I am no longer that newcomer that knows nothing about recovery.... I do have experience about how to manage a host of challenging issues in life, from grief, to job searching, to romance, to interpersonal relations at work and in my personal life... I know what action needs to take place in order to stay clean, serene, and spiritually fit one more day... These are just a few of the invaluable experiences that I can share... Alas, I doubt my ability to articulate it in a fashion that would be beneficial to the party that is asking for help or may need that pointer...
I withdraw from speaking from my heart for fear of being judged or fear of causing harm rather than help... There is a lot of insecurity going on...
Part of it is the Holiday season without the family... Another part is my continued growth through the steps... Another part is the change in responsibilities with my job... Another is my challenges in playing the dating and mating game... Argh... I am sooo green!!!
God says I am exactly where I am supposed to be and that I have grown from each experience and that makes each experience no matter how painful or undesirable to have merit... I hopefully will not repeat that action that is harmful to self and others and also find that I may repeat some things that are helpful, hopeful, and loving to self and others...
I have been "disconnected" and "distant." My sponsor suggests that I stay vigilant. I understand... To my friends and family, thank you for your phone calls and e-mails and thoughts and prayers and just good vibes... I am receiving them... I need them... I am thankful I have the opportunity to receive and accept the love you offer me and I hope you will be patient with me in accepting and embracing the love and appreciation that I have for each and everyone of you...
I am not doing anything perfectly... There are people that I owe amends to because I haven't called them; and they have been nothing but completely there for me when I needed them the most... Thank you for your patience...
I will keep you posted with more... I am doing ok today... I want to give back to the world... I want that peace of mind within myself knowing that I have been of service and of value to someone somewhere each and everyday...
Just here,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:32 AM E-mail me!
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