12/4/05 CHECK IN
Sorry folks... Not feeling very creative today... Lots going on internally and externally... I caught myself doing something consistently: lying... Basically, what I have been doing in conversations with my sponsor and other people is to say what I think you want me to say and will make me look good/better than I really am... I affirm to tell the truth and if I don't tell the truth the first time around, to be willing to catch myself and correct myself promptly after telling my lie...I burst into tears this past Friday at my recovery home group meeting. Apparently, I felt safe enough to share exactly what was going on... The fact that I am mourning over my mother's loss once again; that I was beating myself up for wanting to trade a moment with my mother for all the people in the fellowship who have come up to me and supported me and loved me... The fact that I feel like a total loser for a sponsee and a sponsor... It's frustrating getting sponsees who are unwilling to do the work... I feel responsible for not being clever enough to say something that will motivate my sponsees to do the work with fervor and diligence and excited about the prospect about getting better.
This weekend, I completed my list of character defects along with the opposites and listing the current examples of defects that I carry and being able to see and act on the opposite character asset!
I picked up another commitment... I now have 5 firm commitments... I feel a bit overwhelmed actually and almost feeling recovery burn-out... I may have to take a step back... My car is full of recovery literature... I am committed to 5 meetings from my 5 commitments... I haven't really made time to make friends but instead I go to meetings and stay on the outskirts of saying hello and giving hugs and not really taking time in hanging out with people and getting to know them and allowing them to know me....
I had a great visit with my therapist today... We talked about how I take blame and responsibility for EVERYTHING (especially when anything and everything goes wrong). I also am afraid of telling the truth for fear that the truth will lead you to believe that I am worthless, unwanted, undesired, and unnecessary... I will be abandoned and thrown away... We got to talk about why I am having a difficult time working through the steps.. I have this feeling that the more I work the steps, the more I am revisiting with the same feelings and experiences as what I have in the past... The feelings of disappointing those I idolize; the feelings of taking blame for everything and being responsible for everything that goes wrong; the feelings of things really are not getting better despite all my efforts.. That I am still in pain...
My therapist also brought up the notion of why not just accept things as exactly the way they should be and that I am not the effector of all consequences and results... That there isn't necessarily a point of origin (especially not from me) when something goes well or doesn't go well... It just is and that is all there is to it as opposed to my obsession in finding the origin of all things and allocating accountability to them...
It's been a very very very very difficult holiday... on Saturday, as I was watching people take cakes for their sober anniversaries, I thought of what I would say in 6 months when I take a cake for 3 years... I would dedicate my sobriety to my mother, who is there in spirit to give it to me, my friends who have passed on, Dalton, Roland, Steve, and others who have died as a result of this disease...
I heard the very thing from the main speaker share... "We are not saints..." That if I messed everything up today, but managed to stay clean and sober, then the day was not lost because I have an opportunity to make amends to it and learn from the mistake in the next day to come. I have to remember to appreciate the progress that I make one day at a time... That if things are a little better than they were the day before and if I did indeed learn from my experiences in the day before, then that in itself is a success!!! I don't have to do everything perfect... I don't have to do everything the way my sponsor says it should be done... I have to remember that I am doing all this work to save my own life and my sobriety; no one else! That as much as I am mad at my sponsor, I must remember he is also another recovering member with character defects and a sponsor as well.... That he is human prone to mistakes!
I am responsible for taking care of myself.... Sharing honestly about my feelings... Not beat myself up for making a mistake... To be able to see the message and look beyond the attitude and personalities and really listen and watch for the message and the principles and lessons behind each communicae that I am in touch with....
It's been hard for many people besides myself... I remember how blessed I am for having food in the refrigerator, life saving meds, my health, a car to drive, some money to spend, loving support group who extend and accept love and support, willing self, loving, tolerant, merciful and compassionate God, my sobriety, arriving to all destinations safely, opportunity to be of service to those in need of rides to their homes and kept out of the blistering cold weather, a warm bed that I can sleep in, and another day full of wonderful lessons and messages that I may use to apply towards trudging through another glorious day. Finally, I am grateful that I have a venue where I may feel safe enough to burst into tears and receive love and support and the attitude of I am not alone and I don't have to do it alone mentality...
Thank you God for bringing sooo many gifts of life and today, the clarity to see these things in my life... To feel the feelings and share the feelings and reach out for help and stay in action...
Just for today...
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 11:03 PM E-mail me!
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