Quoc's Web Journal

NOT STUPID... JUST CRAZY!!!

Ahhhhhh.... Nothing like the relief of one's obsession to use to lift off... This last challening bout lasted over 2 weeks... Lots of it stemming from these unfamiliar feelings from grieving over the loss of my Mom and change in who I am and identify as (a chinese man), and just really being mercilessly hard on myself. I've been feeling better since my prayer followed by a botched get together with someone who wanted to tweak and have sex with me... Talk about placing myself on a slippery slope of relapse... I didn't get a chance to share about it at my recovery meeting.... So, here I am doing this in the public view of everyone... Hmmm... This doesn't feel right exposing myself this much... Alas, thus the nature of an addict aye? So totally telling on my disease and exposing my secret to the sunlight of the spirit... In writing and reading this, I see the insanity of the brilliant ideas that go on in the space between my two ears. As the speaker shared, I am "NOT STUPID... JUST CRAZY!!!" I can sooo totally relate!!!

So, I must remember if I feel Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or Tired... It's a sign for me to "H.A.L.T." and look at what is going on and how I may fill these voids in a healthy manner. Again, I am thankful for having luck in getting away from another possible opportunity to place myself in the presence of the disease. My lust for sex, validation, and just to feel good for a long long time really overcame that part of me that was whispering to me that the consequences of those hours of being high would possibly be oblivion...

Tonight's speaker sealed the deal totally brought me back on my feet again. I am glad that I stayed for one more meeting and stayed that extra five minutes long enough to feel the miracle of sobriety and recovery happen in my life again... I was listening to the speaker share about their sordid past... About using a big torch light (commercial grade) to light up the drugs... that if one put a flame to it and it melted, then they smoked it! I had that experience! About my sitting in the room high and watching for the guys at the place I was staying at coming in through a mirror placed on the floored angled just enough so I could see them come through the threshold of the main entrance so I could pull lubed up high out of my mind self together... I remember how strained my neck was from having to look back and forth from the porn to the mirror totally paranoid about them walking in on me high and jacking off and lubed up and dehydrated and smoking my tweak in their home... AND I HAVE BEEN ROMANCING THE ADDICTION IN THE PAST FEW DAYS THINKING I COULD JUST DO A HIT OR TWO AND NOT END UP WHERE I WAS...

Because I stayed, I got the opportunity to hear exactly what I needed to hear from my therapist and from the speakers at meetings to remind me that I am human; that I have feelings and those feelings don't have to be fixed; that I am an addict who thinks addictively when feeling joy, anger, or sorrow; that my disease has always been with me calling me degrading names and causing me to feel worse than the hardened blackened gum that has been stuck on the bottom of someone's tennis shoes for a long long time...

The speaker shared about some of the wildest dreams in their life finally coming true after many many years of sobriety... And the solution is to trust that I will receive what I think I need when I need it at the time that God knows that I am ready to receive it and appreciate it... What I get to do is trust that everything happens for a reason and in its own way and in its own time... That if I stay clean and sober just for today, then I am a winner!!! No matter how many sober mistakes I made!!! I am a winner because I did not pick up the drug or the drink...

Now I get to work towards spiritual awakening or walk towards relapse if I continue that behavior that is destructive towards others and myself. I heard the speaker share about being on the "groove train." About having been on the pink cloud all these years they have been clean and sober and feeling GOOD... They had felt bad for such a long time prior to coming into the rooms... What is the point of coming into the rooms of recovery to be miserable when I could be high and miserable... It's a choice... Am I choosing happy, joyous and free when I get to choose?

I heard the speaker share about people not willing to identify what happened when a bobble occurred in their lives.... If one is unable to identify what happened when one relapsed or did something inconsiderate, dishonest, shady... or if someone did things that led to ones feeling angry, resentful, sad, and negative... THEN IT'S LIKE A WAR... If I can't identify what happened that led to one's undoing, then it's bound to happen again... Sobriety is remembering of the challenging experiences one went through that led those who did not die or go insane into the rooms of recovery... In remembering these experiences by sharing about it, studying about it, and writing about it, it will keep one conscious enough not to let these chains of events from happening again...

The last thing I heard today from the speaker was the following question which totally sells me on identifying as an addict and alcoholic is: "If you wish you weren't, and you know you are... What is your second wish?"

I will have to write about this in my written journal tonight when I am in bed... I give thanks for God bringing these blessings in my life... I pray for God to continue to help me stay teachable; stay open-minded; stay willing; stay humble; stay in service; stay honest; stay in faith; see myself through God's eyes; respond to life the way God would want me to respond; not beat myself anymore than I would beat a newcomer up for making a mistake; be merciful, compassionate, loving, patient, and tolerant of myself as I would grant my fellow; to expect mistakes for that is what sews character and wisdom into my life; to celebrate this borrowed time that I have been graced with, knowing I should be dead or insane given all the things I did to myself in the past; and to just live on the "groove train" because this is a second chance at living LIFE that recovery has brought me...

What am I doing to celebrate my life today?

Glad to be ok in this given moment...

Quoc

PS - My tonsils are still swollen... I am seeing a doctor tomorrow to check it out... I will keep you posted on the results...

posted by Quoc @ 9:43 PM              E-mail me!