Quoc's Web Journal

GARGLE WITH WARM SALT WATER...

Yes, I have swollen tonsils... I have had swollen tonsils since Thursday... It's very painful... As my sponsor told me, it must be really difficult deep throating with tonsils that big... I guess if you want a tight fit! Ok! Ok! I won't go there!!! Anyway, I don't know where the hell this came from... Of course I am a total hypochondriac so I go immediately to the worst case scenarios... that I have an oral STD. I did indeed have an oral sexual encounter with someone this past week (Wed.). My symptoms popped up Thursday evening... I dunno if the incubation time for an oral std such as chlamydia, gonorrhea, or syphilis is that quick. The likelihood that it is an STD is probably not likely. It's probably me picking up some sort of throat infection from kissing or hugging or just being around someone who is sick... My co-worker is sick and I have been nervous about her unsanitary habits... I better just focus on getting better and not judge how I got it, otherwise, I can really start a good resentment... Anyway, my sponsor turned me away from his home and the sponsor sponsee step and traditions study because of the fact that I am sick and may be contagious. I really needed that meeting too! It's been a couple months since all of us have come together. Sigh...

Anyway, how have I been? I am sober today... I saw my therapist who helped me explore the fact that I don't have to do anything about a painful situation that I am going through.... I am feeling a lot of pain and disconnection from my natal family as a result of Mom not being around... I want a fix... I want to feel better... My therpist asked if I have given myself permission to be angry and feel sad without judging myself or needing to have a fix to it... Feeling the feelings when they arise is probably the best thing I can do when a feeling comes up with regards to this... He pointed out how I redirected myself to recovery work and stepwork and helping other people when feelings about my Mom and my family came up. My therapist suggested that possibly one may not be connected with the other... It's ok to just feel sad and angry and miss Mom and feeling a void because a long standing tradition of the 5 members of the Lam family (Mom, Dad, two sisters and me) coming together at big events like the American New Year and Chinese New Year hasn't been broken for 27 years or so! It has become a fundamental part of me, having a family to be close to and connect with and laugh with and just hear the chinese language spoken...

It's been 5 months since I've uttered any words of chinese because Mom is not around for me to talk to her. I imagine in a few years, more of my chinese will probably be lost due to lack of practice... I am sooo very saddened by this...

Things are going to be different. A whole legacy is gone just like that... Life is indeed sooo very very fragile. I am having a very very challenging Holiday. Just this past week, I have tried to fill that void by acting out sexually, sleeping, but I've managed to balance it out with work, my meetings, working with my sponsees and my sponsor and being of service.

I remember sharing with my therapist about the garden at Mom's former home (now Chin's house). I shared about how the plants in the backyard just won't stop growing... I smiled because I know that growth can't come from nurture and care from my sister... There has been no attention given to the garden since before Mom got hospitalized (about a year now). The growth of all these eatable vegetables comes from years of care and nurture from Mom... She has nurtured this garden since 1979/1980 up until late last year. That is 24 years of nurture and care... The love and care that Mom transferred into the plants and the earth that she worked and walked on continues to thrive and grow... I believe it's the spirit of Mom that wills the garden in continuing to grow and thrive and persist and resist being extinguished.

The therapist related the garden to me... That I am also another object of Mom's affection, love and care and that is where I draw strength from to persist and resist extinction and self destruction... I made plans to relapse this past week. I spent a moment praying for God's help in lieu of the plan being made real. Yet another miracle happened... I was spared another opportunity to get high, awaken the Lion's Den, the craving of the body for drugs, a few moments of possible sexual bliss, and then oblivion.... I am thankful for yet another reprieve from that fate just for today...

So, I continue to heed and honor my sponsor's words of staying vigilant in this difficult and challenging period of my life... I am thankful I continue to find the courage to be rigorously honest with myself and tell on my disease when it has a plan to sabatoge my life. I am thankful that I have a power greater than myself and my disease to maintain sobriety and my continued efforts in residing in that space where I see myself through God's eyes and the eyes of those people who love me, care for me as well as accept and embrace the love and care I have for them...

Progress not perfection, just for today....

Quoc

Sober 2 years 6 months and 3 weeks...

posted by Quoc @ 12:16 AM              E-mail me!