Quoc's Web Journal

REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION

Hello family... If you are reading this, you probably already know who I am and have some connection with me in the real world... I don't imagine that many if any people that don't know me in the organic world would be reading this... If you are... Welcome and I hope you continue viewing this site... I suppose that makes me a bit of a cyber exhibitionist by inviting and getting off on your getting a peak into the most intimate crannies of my thoughts, feelings, fantasies and experiences...

For those of you who know me... YOU ARE MY FAMILY... I am sooo thankful you are in my life... You play such an integral part of the making of who I am today... You've played a part in sculpting the very being that I am from skin deep to the very core and essence of who I am... You are loved and appreciated...

What has been going on with me? Really amazing stuff... If you are new, I am a recovering addict/alcoholic who has been on a spiritual journey... At last count, I have over 2 years and 9 months clean and serene from any mind altering substance.... That is doing it one day at a time...

There are these things called steps that one in recovery takes... They come in different tiers... Let me share with you the steps in a very abridged version.

Step 1 - 3 are the surrender steps... I get to acknowledge that I am an alcoholic/addict of the hopeless variety and come to terms with the fact that my best thinking got me to the bottom that I was at... If I am thorough about that I am able to turn it over to a higher power... surrender... I can't, my Higher Power can, why not let HP do it...

Steps 4-6 are the discover steps... I get to put pen to paper and write down all my resentments and thoughts and feelings of what is wrong in the world... All the people places and things that just are not in sync with my perceived truth... If only the world were to do it MY WAY, then everything would be at peace and perfect... The recovery part comes from getting to the part where I get to see where I was to blame and where I set in motion the very things that I saw were wrong in the world... I got to take responsibility and see that the very world that I thought was sooo wrong and horrible was only manifested by me... I also got to turn it over to another human being and God and myself by sharing with them all these things...

Steps 7 - 9 are the change steps... It is the point where I take all the defect of characters that I have identified within myself and now take action in replacing them with the opposite of that defect I have been operating on default for sooo many years... I get to be considerate, tolerant, compassionate, unselfish, accountable, loving, non-judgemental, etc...

I am currently working on replacing my defects with my assets... I am on the 2nd cycle of working on replacing the defects... I currently have a list of about 35 defects... In the first cycle, I used the defects to beat myself up and really focus in on the defects without taking a moment to stop and consciously act on the very opposite of that defect... In the past few days, I have been able to replace greed with the spirit of generosity; dishonesty and manipulation with honesty, trustworthy, and authentic; arrogance with humility, modesty; scorekeeping with appreciation for what I have, present, and charitable; sloth with industrious.... These are just some of the defects I have been consciously replacing...

I feel an amazing change come over me... I am calmer... My voice doesn't go sonic as often when I get excited... I can be excited and happy without being overdramatic and over the top... I can appreciate the gifts in my life without needing another person to see and be proud of the accomplishments I have made... I can be proud of my accomplishment for myself and draw validation from within...

Things have been happening in the past few days that I have grown deeply from... I have just taken another step up in the spiritual wrungs....

- I am managing a program with confidence and grace... I am entrusted to make decision in the best interest of the program and to maintain it's integrity within the department

- I had the extreme humble and honor of speaking at my home group meeting... A home group is a meeting that one goes regularly to and gets to know the people... These people as a result of getting to know me will be able to pull my covers if I say I am ok when in actuality I am not... These are the people that will call me to check in on me if I go missing from the meeting... I have been going to this recovery meeting on a weekly basis since I have had less than 30 days clean and sober... these people are my surrogate mothers and fathers, brothers and sisters, friends and trusted confidantes... I got to share with them my experience strength and hope... In my sponsor's words how I went from base to grace... I have felt sooo uplifted after getting to speak at the meeting this past Monday... I remember 5-10 minutes into the share I felt myself listening to my share and no longer in my head and preparing what I was going to say... I was able to just let me be the vessel by which God could channel its energy through me... I prayed that God to quiet my head long enough to hear and speak its whispers in my heart to my fellow alcoholics and addicts... It was amazing!!! I am sooo abundantly blessed!!! I shared in a group with people who had 15 - 20 - 25 years clean and sober! HONORED, THAT IS HOW I FELT AND FEEL.

- I purchased a flight and hotel to Hawaii and made arrangements to take two weeks off in March to go on vacation to Hawaii... I have just enough to go on the trip... I am trusting God that this is a good decision... It's a sober decision... Everything else will work itself out... So, now I get to be excited about going to Hawaii and spend 7 days and 6 nights of doing whatever in Hawaii... I welcome anyone who wants to come and visit Hawaii with me... Todd... I will be contacting you... *wink*

- To keep it simple today, I am grateful for my sponsee calling me and sharing his gratitude for my being a great sponsor. I am grateful for 3 guys contacting me wanting to be intimate with me. I am proud of myself for being able to say no because I am not in the mood for physical intimacy today and that turning the offer down won't mean I won't ever have it again. I am grateful for the opportunity to be able to enjoy a wonderfully self-home cooked meal while I enjoyed the Olympics of women ice skating... Mom would have really enjoyed watching the olympics.. I miss her gasps and shrieks of excitement as she watched the athletes perform... I am grateful for having a warm bed to sleep in, my health and life saving meds, a wonderful and loving sponsor, amazing support group that calls me to share with me their appreciation for me and their love for me... I am grateful for the ability to accept this love and appreciation as well as reciprocate genuine love and authentic appreciation for them. I am grateful for the willingness to exercise and see and feel the results of my hard work in the past month. I am grateful for one more day clean and sober from ingesting any mind altering substance into my body. I am grateful for having the attitude of gratitude... I am soo grateful for the countless number of prayers that are being said for me; the people who think of me and in doing so send me jolts of good vibes.... I am grateful to know that when I am making a mistake that it's an opportunity for me to grow and learn from it.

So I conclude with addressing the title of this journal entry... Rejection is God's Protection... I met a guy a few weeks back from on-line... I shared that I was gay, asian, HIV positive and in recovery. He did not throw me away and continued to express interest in me. We got together for a work out at the gym... I got to run on the treadmill with him and swap stories... I was really attracted to him physically, emotionally, intellectually, and spiritually... He seemed a bit immature and arrogant. That's ok... I haven't really dated a younger man... Well, we made plans to go out on a date Saturday at 12 noon... I was sooo very excited.

I had just completed a 2.5 hour work out at the gym and headed back home to shower and get ready for my date with him at 12 noon... Along the way, I stopped by a flower shop to buy some roses... I asked the only other guy in there to offer me a suggestion as to what to buy for my first date... He looked strangely familiar; very nice guy... He suggested I pick out something red and so I did.... When I went to purchase the flowers, I looked down at the invoice for the gentleman who helped pick out my flowers... It turns out being Quentin Tarantino! Cool beans!

Being being trivia retarded did not realize he directed Kill Bill 1 & 2; the reservoir dogs and I am sure a plethora of other movies and creations... Wow... I got to introduce myself, be honest that I should know how famous he was but didn't and wanted to extend my appreciation for his artwork on behalf of my friends... I patted him on the shoulder and left.... Oh yeah, if you want to know who he got flowers for after a successful first date... Write me.... Oh I feel like such a papparazzi! Her name was quite beautiful!

Anyway, I went home, showered, dressed and laid out the flowers for my date.... He called at 11:40 to let me know that he had to go into work for an emergency and wouldn't be any longer than 1.5 hours after noon... I waited... I waited... It was 1:30... then 2:30... then 4P... I was sooo bummed... Thank goodness for my support group calling me... One talked on the phone with me for 30 minutes giving me the do's and dont's of first dates. The 2nd one I shared with was my sponsee sister... She met me at a recovery meeting later in the evening... She bought me these beautiful flowers and a lottery scratcher in hopes that I would get lucky.... How utterly thoughtful... During the meeting and sharing, another friend shared the phrase... REJECTION IS GOD'S PROTECTION.

If I truly trust God and if this was meant to be, then God would not have intervened and made the path the way it did... Disappointed? Certainly... Better? Absolutely! I know I am sexy, intelligent, romantic, charming, successful with a huge heart and sooo much love that there is another match out there for me. I needn't settle for someone who doesn't respect me and appreciate me the way I would for the other party... Let it go...

Yayee!!! These are but a few highlights of what has been going on in my life... I am gonna be broke for a few months from this Hawaii trip, but I really think it is well deserved and God has me covered!

I get to just clean house, stay sober, be of service by helping someone other than me, work hard, and play hard and live the life that recovery has given me... All this time I am enjoying right now is indeed borrowed time and time over and beyond what I was supposed to have been given, considering all the wreckless things I did to myself and those around me....

I am sooo thankful today... I hope to have enough for a digital camera... I REALLY WOULD LOVE TO GET SOME PICTURES ON A DAILY BASIS TO SHARE WITH YOU ON MY DAILY JOURNAL BLOGS.... THAT SHOULD BE A LOT OF FUN!!!

Cheers,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 12:43 AM              E-mail me!