ACCEPTING BEING HIV POSITIVE . . .
So, I am currently working on my 8th step... I am writing down a list of persons and institutions that I have done harm to and identified the character defects that is practiced as a result of the behavior...In doing so, I have been thinking about past and current behavior. There is one that is just picking at me and bothering me. I have not been honest with other people about my HIV status... Having safe sex, but not being honest with my sex partner is not ok. I acted alcoholically and selfishly to satisfy an immediate and temporary desire. There is that fear of rejection; abandonment; shame; feeling unloved; unwanted; unnecessary; and undesirable... I wish and hope that the guys I will be dating from this point forth will give me the opportunity to get to know me before throwing me away. Either way, what their reaction is and how they feel about my being HIV positive is none of my business... I need only trust that God will allow for me to cross paths with the people that are healthy for me... In the process, I will experience the "ow" in growth; meaning I will be rejected and told that they are not comfortable with being with me.
Truth be told, I probably won't be able to date myself if I were HIV negative... HIV is tricky thing... It can be a scary thing... It scares me even now because I never know when my body will reject the life saving meds I take on a daily basis... I have been healthy almost 4 years. I have been blessed with early detection and early treatment and management of my HIV. Nonetheless, there are lots of fears… These feelings are like layers on an onion…
I feel compelled to pull my own covers and be honest about what is going on… Where I am at with my life… Remember that I am “human” and not “God.” In knowing this, remember to be compassionate and merciful with myself when I make mistakes… And in practicing the spirit of step 8 in preparation of step 9, I am compelled to change behavior that is harmful to myself and to other people.
I ask for God’s help in giving me the courage to face my fears and maintain rigorous honesty to the best of my ability. If I am to maintain my sobriety, I must be rid of selfishness and dishonesty and be willing to change my behavior…. Feeling regret and remorse is not enough… Spiritual connection with my Higher Power, sanity and sobriety demands change in unhealthy behavior that comes sooo very natural to an alcoholic like myself and replace it with healthy behavior that is contrary to my natural reactions and behaviors…
This is a tall order… I ask to remember being human… I ask for acceptance for what I have… I express gratitude for what I have, my health, loving friends, and an opportunity for love, intimacy and romance in God’s time, not my time… I ask for patience, hope, trust and faith in my Higher Power and reaffirm to do my part and work towards honesty, integrity, and authenticity. I am not in the business of delivering results; that is God’s job… I need only be concerned about doing the work…
Life is scary at times when we are asked to accept things that we absolutely despise and don’t want in our lives… In my case, it’s living with HIV.
ANYONE OUT THERE WITH EXPERIENCE, STRENGTH AND HOPE TO SHARE WITH ME? I AM SOOO OPEN TO HEARING YOUR THOUGHTS…
Humbly yours,
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 12:34 AM E-mail me!
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