Quoc's Web Journal

RE-EVALUATION OF LIFE...

I spent today, Wednesday, April 26, 2006 recuperating from the past week's activities... I took time to take care of myself and just to regroup and recharge myself... I don't know if that was a good decision... The time is 9:07P... I am hurting really bad right now... I feel frustrated, lonely, alone, unattractive, less than, undesirable, hopeless, restless, melancholy, helpless, desparate, and flat out ungrateful...

I spent one full day with me!!! Wow... There is still some work to do, because man am I down on myself from spending time with me... I had a good day, met someone for breakfast by the beach, ran some errands, and went to watch a movie... Either it's just not a good idea for an alchoholic/addict like myself to spend a full day with/by myself or this is a good indication of where I am with how I think and feel about myself... Not all that great yet... Thankfully there is room to grow...

So, the subject of my parents passing away came up for a brief moment.. I commented on how each death changed my perception and projection of how to live life...

When Mom passed away so suddenly, I immediately felt compelled to work really hard to be successful and to just be of service and go go go like the energizer bunny... I had the mentality that I don't know when I am gonna get sick and drop dead at any given moment with no warning whatsoever...

Then this past week with Dad passing away, my interpretation of how to live life changed. Now I have the feeling about what activities and feelings I am bringing into my life with each passing moment... Dad was ill for a long time and was not autonomous... For the lack of a better phrase, he literally couldn't scratch his own ass... I have been feeling like I have been working really hard for months, but what for??? Am I taking that moment to pause, breathe, look around at the world around me and smell the roses in a garden or the coffee before I slug it down? Am I enjoying the life and living it the way I want to so that there are no regrets if and when it is my time to make the transition from living in the human embodiment to something/somewhere else???

In spending today alone, I gave myself an opportunity to take in all that has happened in the past week, past month, past year... What a year it has been! Unfortunately, I went downhill.... Perhaps this is exactly what I need... I have been sooo into solution and sharing solution in the meeting rooms and staying in gratitude and being of service that I didn't take a moment to take a reality check... To genuinely ask myself how am I feeling in this given moment? Not how should I be feeling or what should I be doing about the feeling, but honestly, HOW AM I FEELING RIGHT NOW ABOUT EVERYTHING THAT HAS GONE ON?

Honestly, I am sad, a little scared, lonely, and feeling very very helpless and small and frail... I will continue taking the action, but I really feel it behooves me to check in with someone about how I authentically feel at any given moment without feeling judged or told what to do or how I should feel or worst yet, them turning the tables and making this moment about them... Currently, I have my therapist who gives me an opportunity to share what is going on...

I would love to have a friend who will listen and give me "client centered friendship." :-) I don't know if this is a lot to ask for... I guess if need be, before I share with someone, I need to preface by asking and requesting that I need them to lend their shoulder and ear and not their mouth and mind. What am I willing to do to take care of myself? I work really hard at honoring others.. I really forget about me...

It's ok to say no to others and yes to me. It's ok if they choose to take it personally and read it the wrong way... It's totally ok... Their reality and reaction is not about me.... My own reality and perception and reaction is my responsibility and is all about me...

So, I am at a crossroads... Perhaps there is a lot of clarity going on right now, but I am just not seeing it through all the smokescreen that I am creating... Perhaps the answer is yes to the reactions for both my parent's deaths. To work really hard and be diligent and ambitious, but also to take a moment to smell the roses and apppreciate the beauty around me.

It is sooo very appropriate to bring up the quote that I heard from a speaker a few weeks back: "SUCCESS IS GETTING WHAT YOU WANT. HAPPINESS IS WANTING WHAT YOU HAVE."

I need only stay sober one more day and moreso to stay HONEST about where I am and how I feel; to be OPEN-MINDED to solutions outside of myself and trust that there is a greater picture that I don't quite see yet for why what is happening to me; and lastly to have the WILLINGNESS to take action, suggestion in being of service to other people as well as myself... HONEST, OPEN-MINDED AND WILLING... To Thine Own Self Be True... SERVICE, UNITY AND RECOVERY. The Serenity Prayer. These are the things that are on my 2 year chip... These are the things to remember when I start losing sight of myself and my purpose...

Thank you all for your continued love, support, thoughts, prayers, phone calls, hugs, and kind words for my family and myself... We wouldn't have been able to walk through these challenging weeks without the communion of love.

Thankfully,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 9:07 PM              E-mail me!