ALONE IN A STAR-STUD CROWDED ROOM...
Setting: The very very chic Abbey Bar and Restaurant in West Hollywood, California...Time: 6P - 9P
Event: Frontiers 25th Anniversary party (gay magazine)
Who is there: Invite/RSVP VIP only
So... I left work to get to this event by 6P... This will be my first official invite only RSVP star studded event ever... It wasn't really star studded, but there were several stars there...
The restaurant was elegant and beautiful!!! I received a VIP wrist band upon arriving at the door... When I walked in, to my right was a fireplace with flames emanating from a pile of translucent crystals.... Very very posh looking!!! To my left a rows of martini glasses filled with a pink liquid (I presume alcoholic) ready for the taking and of course all compliments of the host of this party... There weren't that many people there... Luscious bartenders (3 in total behind the bar directly to my left) tone and like adonis' and with very very gregarious personalities greeted me awaiting my order of a beverage... "Coca cola please," was my response... Ice was scooped and the hose with the spigot went into the glass to be given to me via very very sinewy and tone arms fizzed with coca cola as it filled... I thanked the bartender and left a dollar for a tip and walked away sipping...
I stood literally in the middle of the first room... There were 2 big rooms reserved for this party... and a fully staff restroom that served you paper towels, cologne, an assortment of sweet treats among other items I didn't care to look at because I did not have the means to tip the person to provide me with that kind of service... Clearly other people were very very well off because I saw 5s and 10 dollar bills in the jar where the bathroom attendant was...
I sipped and became nervous as beautiful people and dignitary looking couples dressed in nice clothing enter and go to the bar to pick up the pink martini glasses... I was sporting a pinstriped suit with a red dress shirt underneath and kenneth cole shoes... My hair was parted to the left.. I wasn't looking so bad myself... Thank God I dressed it up because 90% of the people that arrived dressed up as well in very very formal attire...
As the evening progressed, people that had too much botox injected into their lips, foreheads etc... were clearly noticeable... I am indeed in the presence of the bold, beautiful and rich and superficial!!! There were many non-profit members that purchased ads from the magazine to come and celebrate and enjoy the endless trays of hors d'oeurves carried by brawny and very gorgeous men in tank tops... Oh my goodness!!! Alcohol flowed generously from many bottles creating the concoctions by the hungry masses of people demanding for the effect produced by the liquid that loosens peoples stress and tongues...
People were pairing up and people were forming groups toasting one another and laughing disengenuously while sipping one alcoholic beverage after another... I stood there frozen... Very very uncomfortable... I tried to tell myself that I am no different than they are... I am no better or no worse than anyone in that room. I tried not to judge myself or other people in the room.
The more people came in and the louder the chattering went and the louder the music grew to match the volume of social intercourse between the people, the more uncomfortable and alienated I felt... I felt sooo out of place... I was certainly not identifying with the group.. I was comparing... I was single and didn't know anyone in the room... I could've focused on the fact that there were other single people who just took a chance and mingled... Plenty of people were there mainly to network and promote whatever work of art or talent they had to sell and share. There were non-profit and profit oriented individuals there... There were friends of the host and members of two degrees of separation or less from the Staff and family of Frontiers. I wanted to have a beautiful man like the beautiful couples that pranced around hand in hand adorning martinis in their hand...
I was gonna give myself about 5 - 10 more minutes of this discomfort and hoping and praying for God to bring someone familiar to me or some hottie to approach me and flirt with me or just anyone to strike up a conversation that I was able to hold.... ANYTHING...
Then someone waved at me… I heard him say to his friend that he knew me from somewhere… I reciprocated the wave and he came towards me and introduced himself… Conversation arose and I felt better… He shared with me he met me in the rooms of recovery and remembered and appreciated my kindness and generosity. It took me a couple more minutes before my memory engrams matched his… It was a sober hit… I sighed a sense of relief that I was no longer alone and had someone to chat with and hang out with… My friend took me around to say hello to many people… He was quite the gregarious individual… Then he took me across the street from the event to say hello to his co-workers.. Back to the event we went at which time I ran into my co-workers! What a pleasant surprise…
To keep it brief, for the rest of the evening, I bounced from co-workers to my friend in recovery to a couple people I had just met… I am sure there were eyes that expressed interest in me but I was too clueless to pick up on them… My eyes wandered over a quite a few incredibly beautiful men with kind faces and seemingly docile demeanors… There were sooo many beautiful people there… Sheesh!!! Welcome to Hollywood and better yet West Hollywood, home of not just the beautiful, but the even more beautiful class of human, the GAY MEN!!! Primped, pruned, pumped, and sweeter looking and smelling than a bed of rose petals floating in sweet virgin water falling from the falls in Hawaii…
Did I score? No… I tried not to look and be on the prowl for a man, then I gave myself permission to look for fun, then I reminded myself when I don’t look is when I will find someone for me… I couldn’t help myself… I had quiet moments to listen to myself and it spoke to me… I heard the spirit of someone who is not fully developed and ready for a relationship yet… I also heard a spirit that complained that there are plenty of people who hook up and develop relationships and grow spiritually with their partners… I also heard that it may not be my story and to continue staying in the moment and be ok with whatever I do so long as I don’t pick up the drug or the drink….
The evening concluded with me staying til a little past 9P when the multi-tiered cake was lit and blown out by the Los Angeles Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence as well as the Editor of Frontiers. I took a piece of cake and ate it without a fork… I felt desperately lonely as people (from my perception) left in pairs and groups probably to have sex among other intimate relations since most of them left intoxicated… I walked over to the West Hollywood Recovery Center (just a few hundred feet from the less than sober event) to see if I could attend a meeting… There wasn’t one available… I proceeded to my car and drove home safely…
So, what a gift that I had the courage to walk into the event alone… I called my friend and kept him on the phone with me until I got in line and walked into the bar/restaurant… I stayed and enjoyed myself and had 3-4 coca colas and immersed myself in the company of many incredible people… I got to identify defects of character throughout the evening against myself and others: judgemental, self-loathing, assumptive, intolerant, discounting, withholding, people pleasing, not present, ungrateful, shallow, having expectations, cowardice, entitlement, envious, immature, playing the victim..
I also exuded character assets of forgiveness, and immediately replacing the above defects with the corresponding assets… Most importantly replacing perfectionism with appreciating the progress and how much courage I had to do as much as I did tonight and getting into practice of being in a social environment and “socializing!”
Anyway, these are just some of my thoughts from an evening feeling totally alone while sharing a room full of people…
Quoc
posted by Quoc @ 10:09 PM E-mail me!
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