Quoc's Web Journal

HARDER NOT TO FEEL THAN TO FEEL....

STANDING IN THE MIDDLE OF THE CRATER OF DIAMONDHEAD IN OAHU... REMEMBERING WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT... AM I ENJOYING THE LIFE THAT I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TODAY?




IN THE MIDDLE OF THE ROAD.... SOMETIMES IT'S JUST NICE TO LAY DOWN AND BE HAPPY WITH WHAT I HAVE... NO NEED TO BE CONCERNED ABOUT THE TRAIL I'VE WALKED NOR THE PATH THAT IS AHEAD OF ME...


So, today is day 3 of my mucking around and sleeping after coming home from work, gormandizing myself with food and then hoping to get some work after a nap and end up napping into a full on sleep session...

I have been really hard on myself... I am trying to be productive... I've been working hard at work and still manage to go to meetings and in between taking time to rest... Inertia is productive because I am producing potential energy to be released. I am allowing my body to rejuvenate and refuel itself with energy so I can be on the go again... I am currently in a new position that is very demanding... I'd like to exercise, do my stepwork, clean up my room, eat healthy, fellowship and be on top of the world... The reality is right now I am doing the best I can with what I have and in the words of my sponsor, it's really arrogant of me to think that I should be doing more than humanly possible... I am setting a higher standard for myself than I would other people...

The truth is I can be doing a little more and pushing myself a little harder. The truth also is that I am doing great! I should be proud of myself... Today, I worked a 11 hour work day... I started at 9A and worked til past 8P. Give me a break that I came home, not go to a meeting, ate dinner and rested...

Better yet, in the midst of my feeling guilty while napping with the TV on, I awoke to a movie that grabbed my attention... First it was the greek guy named Costos that really grabbed my attention... Then as I got the content, I was more and more drawn to it...

It was the premiere of some cheesy chick-flick called "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants." You can look it up if you want to find out what it's about... Point being, I watched more and more and became enthralled with the movie... It totally grew on me... I needed some movie to make me feel, to make me cry, to make me relate, to feel like I am not alone in this world... I was sobbing at points throughout the movie... There were great morals and themes throughout the movie... A few are:

Bailey, a girl dying of leukemia sharing about her being scared and sad of not having enough time to find out who she is and living a life that is full... Also imparting the message to her friend to finish her movie because she can and Bailey can't... I got the message of my having the opportunity to continue on making my movie in life... I get to... Some people are not so fortunate...

Then there is the scene of the girl who's mother died... How she had sex with some hot blond guy for all the wrong reasons to numb out... To feel validated, wanted, useful, and necessary... The truth was that everything she wanted and needed was all there if she only changed her perspective on what happiness meant... wanting what she had.

Then I sighed about the girl who felt insecure about herself but naturally radiated beauty and met a gorgeous young worldly greek guy who fell in love with her and brought out the best in her and named all the beautiful, lovable, and adorable things about her that she knew was there but couldn't name it...

He said a couple really beautiful lines... Some people want you to notice your beauty so you wouldn't look beyond that... Other people try to hide their beauty because they want you to see more than what is skin deep...

She said something to the effect of not knowing who she is but having an idea of what she would like to be...

Ah... These lines are sooo beauty... I was sooo emotional by the end of the movie... I have been beating up on myself for the past few days for things undone when I am not celebrating all the wonderful things I have accomplished. I am sooo afraid of living life and pulling my life together for fear that when I finish cleaning up the tangible visible mess in my life that the end result is that I won't feel any sense of resolution, serenity, or inner sanity...

What I get to do is give it a try and see what happens... Not have contempt prior to investigation... Not admitting defeat to a situation before I even try it... I am bound for failure if I am going into a task believing I will be defeated, the effort is futile and I will fail. If that is the energy I put forth, how else is the universe supposed to respond?

Today, I called my Therapist to inform him that I need a break from him for the month... I want to try this on my own, with my support group, finding friends, working my steps, walking with one hand in God and the other hand in my recovery... Practicing the Principles of each step of the program... of honesty, hope, faith, courage, integrity... I can't name them all yet, but I would like to... I need only continue practicing... Making mistakes and be compassionate and merciful when I find myself being "human."

I get to start my day over at any given moment... Like right now.... I put it out to the universe to remind me why I am working so hard, doing the stepwork, and striving to be perfect in your eyes when I haven't made any investment in self validation, celebrating my perfection in God's eyes, that the most important things to me at the end of the day are:

1) My recovery
2) My family
3) My friends and the relationship and experiences I get to make with them
4) My health
5) Opportunity to be useful and actually FEEL useful
6) Feeling like I belong to something wonderful and amazing
7) Feeling the cool air conditioned air against my warm skin
8) Softness of a fluffy pillow against my cheek when I lay my head down
9) Giggles of glee when my humor crosses paths with another and we connect from soul to soul
10) Warm voice of my sponsor, my friends when they leave messages of gratitude for me...
11) Knowing that I made a difference in someone's world today by listening, sharing my experience, placing a hand on their shoulder to let them know they are not alone, giving them a warm hug as well as receiving a warm hug, to make someone smile, pick up the phone to let someone know I appreciate them...
12) To have a warm and delicious meal that makes me feel warm and fuzzy from head to toe
13) The goosebumps I get from excitement of someone I am attracted to; better yet, the continued goosebumps from the reciprocation of that attraction...
14) The wonderful friends that I have around the world, from San Diego, to Texas, to Chicago to Hawaii to Germany...

Ah... These are the qualities of life from the mundane worries and concerns I have of whether I completed a report correctly, knowing the purposes of pharmaceutical medications, getting the budget for my programs correct and by the requested deadline, appeasing a boss that I feel is unreasonable and incourageable and inconsolable, getting to work on time, coming back to lunch on time, getting all my work done, having a clean desk, making sure my staff are doing what they are supposed to be doing when they are supposed to be doing it, fussing over the state of my messy room, feeling guilty that I am resting and not being proactive about my recovery, not doing my traditions studying for the sponsor sponsee meeting by Sunday, not having enough downtime over the weekend....

I surrender the last paragraph to God and ask God to remind me the listed number of things that really matter... when I am in a place of fret and stress and thoughts of being insufficient, inefficient, not enough time, not enough energy, not enough money, not enough love, not enough friendship, not enough sex, not enough sleep, not enough exercise, not enough meditation, not enough recovery... ad nauseum....

Remember where my feet are... Remember that when I place my head on the pillow each night all the wonderful things that occurred and didn't occur in my life and that I got to be present for each event...

God help me... Friends out there... help me... Hey, do me a favor.. IF YOU ARE READING THIS LINE, THEN TAKE A MOMENT TO DROP ME AN E-MAIL AND LET ME KNOW WHAT YOU THINK... LET ME KNOW THAT I AM NOT ALONE AND TYPING TO MYSELF... THAT YOU ACTUALLY IDENTIFY WITH ALL THAT I HAVE BABBLED ABOUT IN THE ABOVE JOURNAL.... THAT EVERYTHING WILL BE OK... THAT EVERYTHING IS OK! This would mean a lot to me...

Lesson for today again... Happiness is not getting what I want... It's wanting what I have... It's wanting what I have and giving it a name and voicing it and making it tangible... The more I give the gratitude power, the more my negative thinking hopefully will diminish...

Remembering to be human,

Quoc

posted by Quoc @ 12:58 AM              E-mail me!